This weekend marked the two year anniversary of this mess starting.
Regardless of the time that has passed, anniversary's of events still get to me.
It is not as consuming as it used to be, but it weights on me. Like when you get a bad case of the chills that you can't get rid of.
I know how much things have changed in the last two years, and I am grateful for how far things have come.
But somedays.... well somedays it still hurts.
Some times I still lay awake at night and wonder how or why.
What upsets me is that i will never ever know the truth.
Recently I heard, you can't find peace until you find all the pieces.
I'm searching.
I am trying to fix what was wrong with me then, and what's wrong with me now.
I am coming to some sad conclusions about who I use to be.
That is the piece of the puzzle that I can fix-- the piece that I was never knew that was broken until two years ago.
I am working on this daily, sometimes by the minute, and when I have it sorted in my head, you'll be the first to know.
That chill that followed me around this weekend was warmed by that beautiful girl of mine.
We enjoyed the sun, and the rain but most of all our time together.
It's full sentences and meaningful conversations on a daily basis here. She likes to pick her own shoes and tell me the colour of elastics that go in her hair.
Lately when I am laughing or smiling Apple will look at me and say..
" look mommy...... your happy"
She sees it, which pushes me to not just look it, but to be it.
She can see my happiness even on the days I can't.
