Here I sit.

So much time has passed, but here I am... coming back to where it all began.

Something happened way back in the middle of October that paralyzed me.

I heard her name out of my little girls mouth.

It happened so quickly and with such innocence in our nightly bath.... but it blindsided me and sent me in to a place i wish to never return to.

It happened on a Sunday night, after she had just gotten home from a visit at her dads.

She told me stories of the weekend with a big smile on her face.

Told me about the fun they had, and the games they played and told me about her.

I was caught off guard but attempted to keep my face smiling even though the bile was in my mouth. I could not escape the situation or get away.

So i grinned and listened and told her how great it all sounded.

As I dried my beautiful little girl and put her cream on her I could only imagine that "someone else" was doing it when I was not.

In that moment I wanted to scream at Apple. I wanted to tell her what they had done to me. I wanted her to know what kind of person this was and what they were capable of.

I put her to bed and as we said our good nights I held her extra tight

"are you ok moma?" "you sad?" her little man voice asked me....

"yes baby moma is fine...."

That night was long and sleepless.

So were the next weeks.

The images that were always in the back of my mind had now become a reality.

I had been able to fool myself this entire time not letting the thoughts of her with my daughter ever become real.

But there I was.

It had become real.

I am a very high functioning depressed person.

Although as I have said before I push people away, I have learned that the more I take on and the more I busy myself the less room there is for "reality" in my brain.

October and November are a blur.

It was not until close to the end of November I finally called my councilor.

We talked about how I was feeling and what techniques I could use to feel better, but then I got real with her. I did not need to learn how to breath deeply.. I needed to get this bullshit out of my brain.

My real problem was having my child like or maybe love this woman.

My real problem was thinking of them playing house with Apple.

My real problem was the fear of someone being better than me.

That was it.

That was the route of the problem.

In my brain still somewhere, I had convinced myself that this woman was better than me because she was the one living with the man that I had married.

So what if... this little girl of mine wanted her over me as well.

It was haunting. Even typing it makes me feel sick.

As the weeks turned to into months... and the pain was still as fresh as that day in October we would again.... end up talking about the other woman in the bathtub.

This time it was early December.

As I was drying off Apple she said her name again, I must have winced..... because the next thing out of Apples mouth was " No mummy you're the greatest" *( i will explain the greatest game later)

I was stunned.

The bile was there again.

This time for another reason.

How was it possible that without a single negative word about this woman that Apple would say something like that?

It was simple, she could see the pain. She had probably been feeling it since that night in October.

That was enough. That was it.

When I put her to bed that night I told her how much I loved her, and we said goodnight to everyone we love like we always do.

But this time I said her name-- I said it, just in case Apple was afraid too.

I sat that night and thought about it a lot more rationally than ever before.

Apple and I are lucky.

It seems to me, that this woman loves her and cares for her.

The alternative to this would be horrible. I can not imagine having to worry every time Apple was to go to her dads that someone would be cruel to her.

We are lucky...

It was late December when Apple got sick.

She woke up from a normal Wednesday nap and was miserable.

Her dad was coming to take her out to dinner that night... so I got her ready and off they went.

About 35mintues into the visit I got a phone call telling me that she wanted to come home.

As I stood in the doorway waiting it occurred to me that it must be painful for him to know that I am who she wants.

As Oprah would say "light bulb moment".

I am who she wants.

She came in the door and we hugged for what seemed like hours. He stood there, recapping the last 35minutes and her eyes never left mine.

"moma" she repeated over and over again. I rocked her back and fourth and told her again again that she was home.

I got it.

I get it.

Over the next few weeks we would take turns being sick, her with ear infections, colds and maybe a touch of the flu and myself a cold that led to pneumonia.

But I can officially say that we are both back to normal in every way possible.

I have so many amazing stories to share over the next few weeks. Some that will make you laugh and I am sure some that will make you cry.....

So keep checking in.

Thank you for your patience with me, your kind words sent to me and all of your love and support.

*the greatest game is a game my dad and I play with her.. we ask her "who's the greatest" and normally she will say the opposite name of the person who asked her... we act all heart broken when she doesn't say us... in hindsight probably not the greatest game ever created.

That something.

I sat down last week and began to write about a relationship being surmised in "eight pages".

How odd that all of the things that you did and said and had can be summed up in "eight pages".



That is what I had titled the blog, "eight pages".


Then just as it always does, life got busy and I didn't hit publish post.


But as fate would have it there was a reason inside me that I just didn't understand yet.





Some of the most important relationships in your life will end, and you won't get "eight pages".

They will just end.

With no pages.




For whatever reason you might wake up on a Wednesday morning and realize that you aren't that close to "so and so" anymore.

When and how did it happen?

Why at one point in your life did they feel like your everything, and on this morning... you can not even remember the last time you talked to them?


Relationships evolve.

They change.

They end.



You might not want them to, but it is inevitable.


For me, the strangest part in all of this is that my heart can still ache the exact same way as it did two years ago.

For people that I will get no pages from.

People that I love so deeply, but can drift from so easily.

When we chose to let people into our lives and give them all of ourselves we are taking a risk....

We are trusting that they are always going to be there, that they are always going to pick up the phone when we call, or show up when we need them to.

We are trusting our hearts with them, trusting that they will never do us wrong, trusting that they will always just stay the same.

That things will always remain as they had been.

Somewhat perfect if you will.

But then...

It happens.

Life happens.

We are all busy with work, family, commitments and things that are beyond our control... and sometimes things that are in our control.


So we drift, not always easily but we drift all the same... away from each other and closer to others.

It is change.

I fear change.

It makes me feel alone and scared.



But maybe along with evolving, change and ending... there is something new around the corner.

That "something" is what keeps me sane today.

turn the lights on.

What happens now.

What happens when your heart feels full of love but your brain still fades to that dull dark place that feels impossible to shake?

What happens when your surrounded by the best kind of people there are, those that want nothing else but to love and care for you, but you repeat the words "you are alone" over and over again as you get ready for bed?

What happens when you commit to everything, but want to do nothing?

What happens when every smile you give feels forced, unless it involves her?

What happens when everything is going right, but you still want to go left?

What happens when the days start to lose light, you feel the light inside you flicker as well?

I don't know.

I just don't know.

Andy.

I am shy.

Have I said that before?

Seeing those words written make me shake my head at myself.

I know those of you that have met me are thinking what in gods name is she talking about?

But, I am shy.

Painfully so.

I am loud. I have been loud my whole life... I am often told to quiet down at Christmas, Easter, birthdays, BBQs and any other family gathering because I am so god dame loud.

My loud covers up for the fact that I don't say much.

I don't want to say anything half the time, I just don't want you to ask me anything.

I'm loud... So you can't.

It is too hard for me sometimes to come up with the answers that you want to hear or the stories you want to be told.

So, I'm loud.... because I can't.

Not many get past this. It can probably be too much.

I am most likely a hell of a lot of work to get to know.

I have felt my guard slip recently, having a conversation with someone I didn't really know all that well....

I heard myself talking about things that I only really share with the closest of the close.

It scared the living shit out of me.

I don't know how to deal with letting it out without feeling like I am giving too much of myself.

Like if I say it all out loud, I'll lose part of myself.

I'll lose it and I won't get it back ever again.

So, I am a painfully shy... and painfully loud girl. Who often says inappropriate shit at the most inappropriate times.

I have almost grown to accept this, Now... It's your turn to.

Apple is doing amazing.

She is so much like me that at times my future seems very difficult.

She is so strong willed and very temperamental, but by far she is one of the funniest people I have ever met in my life.

Last week we had heat lightning. She had woken up from a bad dream so I opened up her blinds and showed her what the sky looked like.

I said " look it's heat lightning"

she said " grease lightning?"

I said "no heat lightning"

She said "NOOOO MUMMY, Grease Lightning"

I asked her how she knew what "grease lightning" was, and told her that Mummy hates the movie Grease... ( I know she is a little young to be told that... but come on.... I hate the movie Grease and I am silently judging those of you who lllloooovvveee it)

She said "uhhh the wiggles mummy"

I told her that was fine and put her back to bed.

She stayed up for the next 45 minutes singing the god awful grease lightning song.

I went in and finally told her to stop and she had the largest 2 year old shit fit I have ever seen.

She even got the "fists of furry" going... which means she means business.

She said " I won't stop, I won't stop"

I left the room and rolled my eyes and shook my head at what the next 18 years have in store for me.

Today was a huge milestone for us.

She started at her new day care.

I have been worried about this day for weeks.

I think I probably slept for 3 hours last night.... All I could do was imagine the worst.

I ended up with the largest stress zit (some may call it a goiter) on my face that my co workers and I gave it a name.

Andy.

It was super fun all day to say things like "Andy and I are headed for lunch" or "Andy has a lot of paper work to get done this afternoon"

Andy came for no reason though.

She killed it at day care today.

Not one cry, Not one 2 year old shit fit with "fists of furry"....

Nothing.

Just a great report from her new friend "Caffee".

She was loud.

I could hear her as I walked up the drive way to get her.

It made me smile.

My girl is loud.

importance.

The word shots being screamed at me from across the room used to mean something different.

It used to mean get "get your ass over here, we are going to drink something that is going to make us sick later"

Now, it means "get your ass over here.... you need to get in the net so I can take shots on you with my pink mini stick"

I will willingly admit, that my life had been about christian louboutin shoes and my gucci purse.... about the nice things I had or the nice things I wanted.

Now, it has become about the ways I can make her life better, the things I can do to make her happier.

My girl is demanding. My girl is impatient. My girl is the 3 foot version of me.

Before you have kids people constantly tell you "having a child changes you". They warn you how tired and how busy you will be....

But no one warns you about what happens to your heart.

This girl has changed me from the inside out.

Some where along the way it happened, I can't pinpoint the time exact time......

all I know is it did.

From a distance I witness love differently now.

I see it so clearly in the smallest things... that I would have never noticed before.

As I sat and talked to a friend of mine she described to me how her husband took two hours to shave her head before her first chemo treatment.

Her hair is curly, and he took so long to do it because he didn't want to hurt her.

That is love.

It is strange to me that it took this little girl in my life to change my perspective on just about everything.

Things that I never would have noticed before seem so important now.....

She is the answer to the questions I have always had in my mind.

She is the answer to me.

The one about the polysporin

Months ago before I had moved back home, there was a moment.

A moment that stopped me dead in my tracks.

Apple took a small fall.

It was nothing major. All she had done was scrape her knee.

I went to grab the polysporin... and realized that she was too young for me to use the adult kind... I would have to go get some of the kids kind......

and with that, I was done for.

That was the moment.

The first moment in my life that I could not just go to a store and buy what I needed.

Financially, it was over for me.

I had used every ounce of savings, I had used every credit card.... I had used everything.

I had nothing.

I sat on the step in my living room and cried.

My brain told me to call my parents, to tell them.... to ask them for help.

But my pride as usual got in the way.

They had no clue how bad it was. No one had any clue how bad it had gotten.

I was carrying the weight of the bills on my own most months, with no job and no source of income.

Things with my support had not been going easily, and I was not receiving regular payments.

I had already started to work part time at my new job, but it wasn't enough.... I had yet to miss a payment but I knew that would only be a few short days away.

That night I laid awake in my bed for hours, hoping for a miracle.

Wishing that something would change.

Words he had said to me earlier that day echoed in my mind..... "no ones coming to save you"

"no one" he kept repeating.

What he said lit some sort of fire in me.....

I started to think to myself.... No one might be coming.... but I will save her and I.

I will fix this.

No one would ever again tell me I couldn't.

The next morning, I went through my normal routine--- but two huge things happened.

I got an email from a friend, just a random forward that I would normally delete, It was one of those email this to three people and something good will happen.... but that is not what caught my eye.

It was a line at the end that read... "You must be the change you wish to see in the world"

I thought about that for a long time... that I had to become the change.

I realized that you can't just sit back and wait for the change, you have to take charge and see what you want out there and go and get it.

That morning I decided that for good, I would be in charge of what was going to happen to us.... and that the best way to do this was easy.... to simply DO IT.

Get out there and get it done.

I did not forward the email for the "good thing to happen"

I just knew it would.

Minutes later I did what I always do, and checked my banking online.

There had been a rather large deposit, from my former employer.

I checked and re checked and called human resources to make sure it was mine.

It was.. infact mine, Some holiday pay that had gotten lost in the shuffle... something that I had not been expecting.

I could breathe.

For the first time in weeks.

I got myself and my best girl ready for the day and we headed out to shoppers.

Where I bought 2 tubes of polysporin, the kids kind.... that we probably didn't need at that point, but I needed it to feel safe.

I still have the two tubes of polysporin.

Each time I use one, I remember.....

I remember that I had to stop wishing for a miracle and make one of my own.

I'll Promise you this.

There are cracks in my mind formed from all of this.

Cracks where one story starts and another begins.

Cracks where I have pushed a memory so deep inside me that it is hard to recall. But it is there, waiting patiently until I am ready.

Day three of being left by him I got myself to the doctors.

I was a mess, I had not slept in days, I had not eaten in days and all I could do was sob uncontrollably.

He was kind and immediately gave the guidance that I so desperately needed.

Since I had yet to tell most of the people in my life, he encouraged me to reach out..... the help I was going to need with apple beyond important.

I needed rest, and I needed to eat.

I could handle most of that.

It was rational.

I could still be rational. I just needed a plan.

We put a plan in place for the next few and agreed to meet up the next week.

It was going to be ok.

When I stood up to leave... he quickly with one hand on my shoulder sat me back down.

Looking me dead in the eyes, he said " you are both going to need to be tested for stds"

I shrugged it off and told him, " I will, but you will have to talk to him about getting one for himself"

"No, not him he said... Apple. You will have to get Apple tested for aids. She was breast fed"

A whole new kind of rage filled up inside me.

It was never something that crossed my mind.

Ever.

I fought him on it.

I rejected the very thought of it.

No, No way would I do this to her.

No way would I put my baby... my beautiful 9 month of baby girl through this.

But he reasoned with me. He explained to me that it was what was best for her, that without question it would need to be done.

I told no one.

I said nothing.

But we went.

I held my daughter down for more than 4 minutes while they drew the deepest purple color blood I have ever seen.

It took 4 minutes.

4 minutes that felt like 6 hours.

She screamed and cried and stared at me with her big worried eyes.

She would try to them stop by rolling on to her tummy and reaching out for me... all the while I could do nothing but hold her down.

It killed me.

I put my head next to hers and told her over and over again how sorry I was.

I promised her .... that this moment would be her worst.

That everything after this would be better, everything after this would be ok.

When they were finished we sat together on the chair.

I stroked her hair, and she slowly settled.... when she became calm enough to get back home

I put her in her car seat and sat in the parking lot of the medical clinic and sobbed.

Our tests came back clear of any problems.... and for that I am grateful.

Those 4 moments broke something in me that will never be fixed.

They changed me.

But those 4 moments also gave me the strength I needed to complete the rest of the journey,

To keep the promise to her.

"That moment" will be her worst.