unsure of what the balance held.

The fall is short but hard.

It's often in the dead of night.

When I am alone.


I am comfortable that way.

I can deal with it alone.


Today was different.


It was 7:23 when the bottom dropped.


I was on talking with my mum, doing everything I could to get off the phone and end the conversation.


It was happening.


When it comes I can't control it.



My cell phone rang and gave me the excuse I needed.


My friends 3 year old son called, as he sometimes does.


To tell me how much he loved the duck game we gave him for his birthday.

His sweet voice gave me a few seconds of calm but it wasn't enough.


Why is it never enough.


The bottom dropped and I could no longer hide.


I could hear the distinctive rustle of his mum grabbing the phone.



"Are you o.k?"


"You need to tell me what's wrong"

"Please"



Those questions seem so simple seeing them.


"Are you o.k?"



Over and over again she asks.


I finally tell her no.



I break the silence that has sat still inside me for months.




I tell her no.




Over and over again.


No.







She tells me she will be here within thirty minutes.

With wine.







I don't stop crying.



I still haven't stopped crying.



In the last five months, I have watched by dad be diagnosed and deal with having cancer, I have watched my grandfather die and I was easily convinced I had found something real to love... only to realize it wasn't.


It's clearly too much.





4 hours later.


I feel my feet on the ground.



I feel stronger.

More hopeful.



For two reasons.



One is the friend.



Who berated me for not calling her.



For reminding me they don't need to know, they want to know.






Secondly, for the txt from my dad at 10:24 that read "Love you"


It's enough.

Enough to end today and start tomorrow.


Enough to get me into my bed and make remember that my life is patiently waiting for me.

The Morning.

It's the nights that seem longer now. 

Nothing I do seems to change it. 

I crave sleep...but my mind fights it at every turn. 

I remember waking up after the morning he left, and thinking... this is the worst it would ever get... that some how that moment would be the lowest of my life. 

It wasn't. 

How could it be. 

When I tell people my father has prostate cancer they say the following.. 

"Don't worry it's the best cancer you can get" or " I know so and so and they said it wasn't a big deal"

Let me tell you...

It is a big deal.. and it is fucking horrible. 

No part of this has been easy for him. 

I watch mostly in silence as the man I love more than anything else suffers. 

I focus on the dates the doctors give us. 

Believing that somehow that will give my mind the relief it so desperately craves. 

As each date passes and a new date is given I have started to understand that quite simply,,,,,

This isn't over. 

It is a time that alone sinks in more than ever. 

I am so god damn alone at this point it feel worse then before. 

I have one thing to hold on to.....

She is four, and doesn't understand why mummy cries when we talk about when pops will be better. 

My normal coping methods no longer work. 

I can't pretend this isn't real. 

I can't pretend I won't lose him. 

As I got her ready for bed tonight she asked me "When can I go to stay with Nanny and Pops for the whole day?" 

I tried my best to explain. 

But the tears flow easily these days. 

She cradled my face in her little hands. 

"Let's just be brave moma... like when the monsters come at night.. and you tell me I gotta be brave"

I tell her it will all be ok. 

But her eyes are so filled with questions, just as mine are. 

So we wait, and hold each other... tighter then before. 

For a date and an answer that never seems to come. 

 

Just a Wednesday.

It was the knock on the car window that made me understand how bad it had gotten.

I was in my car after work when I was jolted back to reality.

My first thoughts were of Apple..

Had I forgot to pick her up? Where was she?

Quickly I remembered it was Wednesday and she was with her father.

Then, I had some explaining to do. The man that runs my parking garage was staring at me through the window.

Instead of rolling down the window like a normal person, I opened the door with such force that it made him jump backwards.

He didn't say a word.

But I did.

I began to explain why I was sitting in the car crying.

I told him about my Dad.

I told him my Dad had prostate cancer, and I was scared.

He just stood there.

I thought I should continue.

I told him I wasn't normally like this and how strong I was.

But that it's my dad.

I went into great detail about how close we were.

I explained how I talk to him everyday, and that if he hasn't heard from me by lunch.. he'll txt me, but how he doesn't really "get" txting and that sometimes he just txt's "?" or "ng" or "w"

When I finally took a breath he asked me a very simple question

"Was it you who dumped a coffee all over the floor this morning?"

"NO... uh, it wasn't"

Even though it totally was.

(I was trying to balance both of my coffees, talk on the phone and put my mitts on at the same time... )

He stared at me.

I stared back.

He walked backwards away from me. Slowly.

As though at any moment I may start to tell him more about my life.

I got back in the car.

It always hits my like this....

How long have I been like this?

How did I become so numb without feeling it happening...

When was the last time I was o.k?

I spent the next hour scrambling to remember the last few weeks.

Trying to piece together what had happened and how I let it get this bad.

It comes to me in waves, as though my brain is being kind to me because I wouldn't be able to deal with it all at once.

She rushed in the door like a storm shortly after.

I felt the blood rush back to my body, and the strength return to my brain.

I am always stronger when she is with me.

But tonight as I sit here alone I can no longer compartmentalize the pain.

I can't pretend like this isn't happening.

His diagnosis has hit me like nothing else ever has.

My parents are a lot of things to a lot of people.

But to me they are everything.

A life without either one of them is not something I have ever imagined.

A long time ago, I wrote about a day that everything changed.

A day that I started to heal.

It was him.

It was my Dad.

Well, really it was both my Mum and Dad.....

But It would be the pain in his face as he looked at me that would turn my sadness into an anger that I had never felt before.

An anger that would carry me for the next year, until I was ready to let go....

I would later learn that he had told those around him

"Just wait until she gets mad..."

Like he knew all along that is all I would need.

But my anger can't fix it this time....and it's killing me.

I would do anything in this world to take this away from him.

Anything.

But I can't.

That devastates me.

My relationships with my parents are equally special.

My Mum, is without a doubt the strongest person I know. She is the glue that has always held us together. She is so perfect in my eyes, it is hard for me to imagine I am her daughter.

My Dad, is the reason I'm funny.

He's the reason I have to keep going even on my worst days, he pushes me probably without even knowing to be patient, kind, and balanced.

My parents are the most amazing people I know.

When I am at worst, they are beside me.

When I am at my best, they step back and let me enjoy it.

All I can do now is hope and pray for the best and that feels painful.

Please do the same for both of them.

The one when you can finally say goodbye.

You'll remember each time you see me, the time when you found me laying there.

You'll remember my loud laugh and optimitsic attitude about life.

You'll remember the times that only I could make you laugh, and how I must have looked waking up beside you each day.

You'll remember that day I told you she was coming, and the day she arrived.

You'll remember.

How could either of us ever forget.

I know you see the changes and want to be a part of them, and for the most part you are.

Please know you were the catalyst that set this plan in motion. You helped me get here more than you will ever know.

You often seem so in pain, and I worry for you.

I worry on your darkest days you can't find light.

I worry that your misery made you lose all you ever wanted.

Know that I look back fondly now, I don't regret any of it. Not a minute.

Know that I don't reach for you at night anymore.

Know that somehow I was healed.

Please know that I am sorry for any pain I caused you, I just couldn't see an ending.

Please know that I forgive you.

Finally.

For it all.

This moment.

Time off.

Lots of it.

It is hard to believe that I have not said a word since January.

It has always been my intention to write, and I have... and those posts will come but right now I can tell you this.

The last time I published a post... something changed inside me.

I let go.

Of all of the anger, the resentment, the sadness but most of all the pain.

I accepted my fate and became grateful for it.

The same week I published that post I was driving on a very cold winter day down the street with apple. I had just picked her up from daycare and we were heading home.

I happen to glance out the window and saw a young mother around my age standing at the bus stop with a child around apples age.

The mother rubbed the child's hands in hers to warm them up .

The child's coat did not look warm enough and the mother was glancing up and down the road.... wishing and hoping that the bus would just get to them faster.

I looked away to focus on the road, and like a tonne of bricks it dropped on me.

The words that echoed in my mind were clear...... more clear for than ever before.

"that's not me"

I thought about all that apple and I have, and what a charmed life we lead.

We have more then I could ever ask for.

We have never had to stand at a bus stop in the freezing cold.

With the family and friends I have in my life.... we never will.

For what seems like forever, I was just"existing" in my life.

I would wake up each day and focus.

Focus on nothing but getting through the day and getting home....having dinner....getting her to bed...run...get myself to bed.

That was it.

Everyday, for so many days they all blur together.

Just "existing".

I was trying so hard to get from one day to the next that I forgot to live in them.

I forgot that it would be OK to just be OK.

To start to live again.

Really live. Without the guilt. Without the shame. Without the pain.

The same day we got home after seeing that mother and her child waiting for the bus we made play dough out of orange jello. Then I let her throw glitter on the floor just because she wanted to.

We stayed up late and watched Toy Story 3.

I was happy.

She was happy.

And finally;

It was just gone.

All the bullshit that I had been holding on to had finally left me.

From that day on.... right into today.... I can tell you that I will be eternally grateful that he left.

Maybe it wasn't in the right way and maybe it could have been easier on both of us, but I can't get over the feeling that it might have been the only way out for either one of us.

But the truth is, I have never known this kind of happiness.

To wake each morning and feel grateful for the day ahead is unreal... and a long time coming.

I feel so much sadness that I wasted so much of my life never knowing this kind of happiness was out there in the world just waiting for me.

But, without all that wasted time... I would have been without all that gratitude I have now.

Things have been amazing in the last few months.

Apple and her father and I have been able to spend some time together.

Just the three of us.

I know.

I find it hard to believe as well, but it works... and works well.

For her... I know the two of us will do anything.

Working together as a team, as parents to show her that we are a family.

One that looks a little different..... but one that is stronger living apart then together.

Apple has just turned a huge corner in life.

The last four weeks have been some of the most memorable to date.

Everyday she makes me beam with pride about something that she has said or done.

She is compassionate and kind to others.

Her sense of comedic timing is unreal.

She loves with her whole heart.

Her temper is the same as mine. (this scares the shit out of me)

And she is beautiful.

So beautiful.

I can't tell you how lucky I feel.

Mostly, that I get to be her mum, but also for this second chance at a life filled with glitter on the floor and late night movies on the couch.

People often ask me "when does your happy ending come?"

I got it.

Here I sit.

So much time has passed, but here I am... coming back to where it all began.

Something happened way back in the middle of October that paralyzed me.

I heard her name out of my little girls mouth.

It happened so quickly and with such innocence in our nightly bath.... but it blindsided me and sent me in to a place i wish to never return to.

It happened on a Sunday night, after she had just gotten home from a visit at her dads.

She told me stories of the weekend with a big smile on her face.

Told me about the fun they had, and the games they played and told me about her.

I was caught off guard but attempted to keep my face smiling even though the bile was in my mouth. I could not escape the situation or get away.

So i grinned and listened and told her how great it all sounded.

As I dried my beautiful little girl and put her cream on her I could only imagine that "someone else" was doing it when I was not.

In that moment I wanted to scream at Apple. I wanted to tell her what they had done to me. I wanted her to know what kind of person this was and what they were capable of.

I put her to bed and as we said our good nights I held her extra tight

"are you ok moma?" "you sad?" her little man voice asked me....

"yes baby moma is fine...."

That night was long and sleepless.

So were the next weeks.

The images that were always in the back of my mind had now become a reality.

I had been able to fool myself this entire time not letting the thoughts of her with my daughter ever become real.

But there I was.

It had become real.

I am a very high functioning depressed person.

Although as I have said before I push people away, I have learned that the more I take on and the more I busy myself the less room there is for "reality" in my brain.

October and November are a blur.

It was not until close to the end of November I finally called my councilor.

We talked about how I was feeling and what techniques I could use to feel better, but then I got real with her. I did not need to learn how to breath deeply.. I needed to get this bullshit out of my brain.

My real problem was having my child like or maybe love this woman.

My real problem was thinking of them playing house with Apple.

My real problem was the fear of someone being better than me.

That was it.

That was the route of the problem.

In my brain still somewhere, I had convinced myself that this woman was better than me because she was the one living with the man that I had married.

So what if... this little girl of mine wanted her over me as well.

It was haunting. Even typing it makes me feel sick.

As the weeks turned to into months... and the pain was still as fresh as that day in October we would again.... end up talking about the other woman in the bathtub.

This time it was early December.

As I was drying off Apple she said her name again, I must have winced..... because the next thing out of Apples mouth was " No mummy you're the greatest" *( i will explain the greatest game later)

I was stunned.

The bile was there again.

This time for another reason.

How was it possible that without a single negative word about this woman that Apple would say something like that?

It was simple, she could see the pain. She had probably been feeling it since that night in October.

That was enough. That was it.

When I put her to bed that night I told her how much I loved her, and we said goodnight to everyone we love like we always do.

But this time I said her name-- I said it, just in case Apple was afraid too.

I sat that night and thought about it a lot more rationally than ever before.

Apple and I are lucky.

It seems to me, that this woman loves her and cares for her.

The alternative to this would be horrible. I can not imagine having to worry every time Apple was to go to her dads that someone would be cruel to her.

We are lucky...

It was late December when Apple got sick.

She woke up from a normal Wednesday nap and was miserable.

Her dad was coming to take her out to dinner that night... so I got her ready and off they went.

About 35mintues into the visit I got a phone call telling me that she wanted to come home.

As I stood in the doorway waiting it occurred to me that it must be painful for him to know that I am who she wants.

As Oprah would say "light bulb moment".

I am who she wants.

She came in the door and we hugged for what seemed like hours. He stood there, recapping the last 35minutes and her eyes never left mine.

"moma" she repeated over and over again. I rocked her back and fourth and told her again again that she was home.

I got it.

I get it.

Over the next few weeks we would take turns being sick, her with ear infections, colds and maybe a touch of the flu and myself a cold that led to pneumonia.

But I can officially say that we are both back to normal in every way possible.

I have so many amazing stories to share over the next few weeks. Some that will make you laugh and I am sure some that will make you cry.....

So keep checking in.

Thank you for your patience with me, your kind words sent to me and all of your love and support.

*the greatest game is a game my dad and I play with her.. we ask her "who's the greatest" and normally she will say the opposite name of the person who asked her... we act all heart broken when she doesn't say us... in hindsight probably not the greatest game ever created.

That something.

I sat down last week and began to write about a relationship being surmised in "eight pages".

How odd that all of the things that you did and said and had can be summed up in "eight pages".



That is what I had titled the blog, "eight pages".


Then just as it always does, life got busy and I didn't hit publish post.


But as fate would have it there was a reason inside me that I just didn't understand yet.





Some of the most important relationships in your life will end, and you won't get "eight pages".

They will just end.

With no pages.




For whatever reason you might wake up on a Wednesday morning and realize that you aren't that close to "so and so" anymore.

When and how did it happen?

Why at one point in your life did they feel like your everything, and on this morning... you can not even remember the last time you talked to them?


Relationships evolve.

They change.

They end.



You might not want them to, but it is inevitable.


For me, the strangest part in all of this is that my heart can still ache the exact same way as it did two years ago.

For people that I will get no pages from.

People that I love so deeply, but can drift from so easily.

When we chose to let people into our lives and give them all of ourselves we are taking a risk....

We are trusting that they are always going to be there, that they are always going to pick up the phone when we call, or show up when we need them to.

We are trusting our hearts with them, trusting that they will never do us wrong, trusting that they will always just stay the same.

That things will always remain as they had been.

Somewhat perfect if you will.

But then...

It happens.

Life happens.

We are all busy with work, family, commitments and things that are beyond our control... and sometimes things that are in our control.


So we drift, not always easily but we drift all the same... away from each other and closer to others.

It is change.

I fear change.

It makes me feel alone and scared.



But maybe along with evolving, change and ending... there is something new around the corner.

That "something" is what keeps me sane today.