Starting over with everything and nothing

The one when you can finally say goodbye.

2011-08-29T22:01:00.004-04:00

You'll remember each time you see me, the time when you found me laying there.

You'll remember my loud laugh and optimitsic attitude about life.

You'll remember the times that only I could make you laugh, and how I must have looked waking up beside you each day.

You'll remember that day I told you she was coming, and the day she arrived.

You'll remember.

How could either of us ever forget.

I know you see the changes and want to be a part of them, and for the most part you are.

Please know you were the catalyst that set this plan in motion. You helped me get here more than you will ever know.

You often seem so in pain, and I worry for you.

I worry on your darkest days you can't find light.

I worry that your misery made you lose all you ever wanted.

Know that I look back fondly now, I don't regret any of it. Not a minute.

Know that I don't reach for you at night anymore.

Know that somehow I was healed.

Please know that I am sorry for any pain I caused you, I just couldn't see an ending.

Please know that I forgive you.

Finally.

For it all.

This moment.

2011-06-02T22:43:00.003-04:00

Time off.

Lots of it.

It is hard to believe that I have not said a word since January.

It has always been my intention to write, and I have... and those posts will come but right now I can tell you this.

The last time I published a post... something changed inside me.

I let go.

Of all of the anger, the resentment, the sadness but most of all the pain.

I accepted my fate and became grateful for it.

The same week I published that post I was driving on a very cold winter day down the street with apple. I had just picked her up from daycare and we were heading home.

I happen to glance out the window and saw a young mother around my age standing at the bus stop with a child around apples age.

The mother rubbed the child's hands in hers to warm them up .

The child's coat did not look warm enough and the mother was glancing up and down the road.... wishing and hoping that the bus would just get to them faster.

I looked away to focus on the road, and like a tonne of bricks it dropped on me.

The words that echoed in my mind were clear...... more clear for than ever before.

"that's not me"

I thought about all that apple and I have, and what a charmed life we lead.

We have more then I could ever ask for.

We have never had to stand at a bus stop in the freezing cold.

With the family and friends I have in my life.... we never will.

For what seems like forever, I was just"existing" in my life.

I would wake up each day and focus.

Focus on nothing but getting through the day and getting home....having dinner....getting her to bed...run...get myself to bed.

That was it.

Everyday, for so many days they all blur together.

Just "existing".

I was trying so hard to get from one day to the next that I forgot to live in them.

I forgot that it would be OK to just be OK.

To start to live again.

Really live. Without the guilt. Without the shame. Without the pain.

The same day we got home after seeing that mother and her child waiting for the bus we made play dough out of orange jello. Then I let her throw glitter on the floor just because she wanted to.

We stayed up late and watched Toy Story 3.

I was happy.

She was happy.

And finally;

It was just gone.

All the bullshit that I had been holding on to had finally left me.

From that day on.... right into today.... I can tell you that I will be eternally grateful that he left.

Maybe it wasn't in the right way and maybe it could have been easier on both of us, but I can't get over the feeling that it might have been the only way out for either one of us.

But the truth is, I have never known this kind of happiness.

To wake each morning and feel grateful for the day ahead is unreal... and a long time coming.

I feel so much sadness that I wasted so much of my life never knowing this kind of happiness was out there in the world just waiting for me.

But, without all that wasted time... I would have been without all that gratitude I have now.

Things have been amazing in the last few months.

Apple and her father and I have been able to spend some time together.

Just the three of us.

I know.

I find it hard to believe as well, but it works... and works well.

For her... I know the two of us will do anything.

Working together as a team, as parents to show her that we are a family.

One that looks a little different..... but one that is stronger living apart then together.

Apple has just turned a huge corner in life.

The last four weeks have been some of the most memorable to date.

Everyday she makes me beam with pride about something that she has said or done.

She is compassionate and kind to others.

Her sense of comedic timing is unreal.

She loves with her whole heart.

Her temper is the same as mine. (this scares the shit out of me)

And she is beautiful.

So beautiful.

I can't tell you how lucky I feel.

Mostly, that I get to be her mum, but also for this second chance at a life filled with glitter on the floor and late night movies on the couch.

People often ask me "when does your happy ending come?"

I got it.

Here I sit.

2011-01-23T21:39:00.002-05:00

So much time has passed, but here I am... coming back to where it all began.

Something happened way back in the middle of October that paralyzed me.

I heard her name out of my little girls mouth.

It happened so quickly and with such innocence in our nightly bath.... but it blindsided me and sent me in to a place i wish to never return to.

It happened on a Sunday night, after she had just gotten home from a visit at her dads.

She told me stories of the weekend with a big smile on her face.

Told me about the fun they had, and the games they played and told me about her.

I was caught off guard but attempted to keep my face smiling even though the bile was in my mouth. I could not escape the situation or get away.

So i grinned and listened and told her how great it all sounded.

As I dried my beautiful little girl and put her cream on her I could only imagine that "someone else" was doing it when I was not.

In that moment I wanted to scream at Apple. I wanted to tell her what they had done to me. I wanted her to know what kind of person this was and what they were capable of.

I put her to bed and as we said our good nights I held her extra tight

"are you ok moma?" "you sad?" her little man voice asked me....

"yes baby moma is fine...."

That night was long and sleepless.

So were the next weeks.

The images that were always in the back of my mind had now become a reality.

I had been able to fool myself this entire time not letting the thoughts of her with my daughter ever become real.

But there I was.

It had become real.

I am a very high functioning depressed person.

Although as I have said before I push people away, I have learned that the more I take on and the more I busy myself the less room there is for "reality" in my brain.

October and November are a blur.

It was not until close to the end of November I finally called my councilor.

We talked about how I was feeling and what techniques I could use to feel better, but then I got real with her. I did not need to learn how to breath deeply.. I needed to get this bullshit out of my brain.

My real problem was having my child like or maybe love this woman.

My real problem was thinking of them playing house with Apple.

My real problem was the fear of someone being better than me.

That was it.

That was the route of the problem.

In my brain still somewhere, I had convinced myself that this woman was better than me because she was the one living with the man that I had married.

So what if... this little girl of mine wanted her over me as well.

It was haunting. Even typing it makes me feel sick.

As the weeks turned to into months... and the pain was still as fresh as that day in October we would again.... end up talking about the other woman in the bathtub.

This time it was early December.

As I was drying off Apple she said her name again, I must have winced..... because the next thing out of Apples mouth was " No mummy you're the greatest" *( i will explain the greatest game later)

I was stunned.

The bile was there again.

This time for another reason.

How was it possible that without a single negative word about this woman that Apple would say something like that?

It was simple, she could see the pain. She had probably been feeling it since that night in October.

That was enough. That was it.

When I put her to bed that night I told her how much I loved her, and we said goodnight to everyone we love like we always do.

But this time I said her name-- I said it, just in case Apple was afraid too.

I sat that night and thought about it a lot more rationally than ever before.

Apple and I are lucky.

It seems to me, that this woman loves her and cares for her.

The alternative to this would be horrible. I can not imagine having to worry every time Apple was to go to her dads that someone would be cruel to her.

We are lucky...

It was late December when Apple got sick.

She woke up from a normal Wednesday nap and was miserable.

Her dad was coming to take her out to dinner that night... so I got her ready and off they went.

About 35mintues into the visit I got a phone call telling me that she wanted to come home.

As I stood in the doorway waiting it occurred to me that it must be painful for him to know that I am who she wants.

As Oprah would say "light bulb moment".

I am who she wants.

She came in the door and we hugged for what seemed like hours. He stood there, recapping the last 35minutes and her eyes never left mine.

"moma" she repeated over and over again. I rocked her back and fourth and told her again again that she was home.

I got it.

I get it.

Over the next few weeks we would take turns being sick, her with ear infections, colds and maybe a touch of the flu and myself a cold that led to pneumonia.

But I can officially say that we are both back to normal in every way possible.

I have so many amazing stories to share over the next few weeks. Some that will make you laugh and I am sure some that will make you cry.....

So keep checking in.

Thank you for your patience with me, your kind words sent to me and all of your love and support.

*the greatest game is a game my dad and I play with her.. we ask her "who's the greatest" and normally she will say the opposite name of the person who asked her... we act all heart broken when she doesn't say us... in hindsight probably not the greatest game ever created.

That something.

2010-10-02T10:03:00.004-04:00

I sat down last week and began to write about a relationship being surmised in "eight pages".

How odd that all of the things that you did and said and had can be summed up in "eight pages".

That is what I had titled the blog, "eight pages".

Then just as it always does, life got busy and I didn't hit publish post.

But as fate would have it there was a reason inside me that I just didn't understand yet.

Some of the most important relationships in your life will end, and you won't get "eight pages".

They will just end.

With no pages.

For whatever reason you might wake up on a Wednesday morning and realize that you aren't that close to "so and so" anymore.

When and how did it happen?

Why at one point in your life did they feel like your everything, and on this morning... you can not even remember the last time you talked to them?

Relationships evolve.

They change.

They end.

You might not want them to, but it is inevitable.

For me, the strangest part in all of this is that my heart can still ache the exact same way as it did two years ago.

For people that I will get no pages from.

People that I love so deeply, but can drift from so easily.

When we chose to let people into our lives and give them all of ourselves we are taking a risk....

We are trusting that they are always going to be there, that they are always going to pick up the phone when we call, or show up when we need them to.

We are trusting our hearts with them, trusting that they will never do us wrong, trusting that they will always just stay the same.

That things will always remain as they had been.

Somewhat perfect if you will.

But then...

It happens.

Life happens.

We are all busy with work, family, commitments and things that are beyond our control... and sometimes things that are in our control.

So we drift, not always easily but we drift all the same... away from each other and closer to others.

It is change.

I fear change.

It makes me feel alone and scared.

But maybe along with evolving, change and ending... there is something new around the corner.

That "something" is what keeps me sane today.

turn the lights on.

2010-09-20T23:07:00.003-04:00

What happens now.

What happens when your heart feels full of love but your brain still fades to that dull dark place that feels impossible to shake?

What happens when your surrounded by the best kind of people there are, those that want nothing else but to love and care for you, but you repeat the words "you are alone" over and over again as you get ready for bed?

What happens when you commit to everything, but want to do nothing?

What happens when every smile you give feels forced, unless it involves her?

What happens when everything is going right, but you still want to go left?

What happens when the days start to lose light, you feel the light inside you flicker as well?

I don't know.

I just don't know.

Andy.

2010-09-07T21:48:00.003-04:00

I am shy.

Have I said that before?

Seeing those words written make me shake my head at myself.

I know those of you that have met me are thinking what in gods name is she talking about?

But, I am shy.

Painfully so.

I am loud. I have been loud my whole life... I am often told to quiet down at Christmas, Easter, birthdays, BBQs and any other family gathering because I am so god dame loud.

My loud covers up for the fact that I don't say much.

I don't want to say anything half the time, I just don't want you to ask me anything.

I'm loud... So you can't.

It is too hard for me sometimes to come up with the answers that you want to hear or the stories you want to be told.

So, I'm loud.... because I can't.

Not many get past this. It can probably be too much.

I am most likely a hell of a lot of work to get to know.

I have felt my guard slip recently, having a conversation with someone I didn't really know all that well....

I heard myself talking about things that I only really share with the closest of the close.

It scared the living shit out of me.

I don't know how to deal with letting it out without feeling like I am giving too much of myself.

Like if I say it all out loud, I'll lose part of myself.

I'll lose it and I won't get it back ever again.

So, I am a painfully shy... and painfully loud girl. Who often says inappropriate shit at the most inappropriate times.

I have almost grown to accept this, Now... It's your turn to.

Apple is doing amazing.

She is so much like me that at times my future seems very difficult.

She is so strong willed and very temperamental, but by far she is one of the funniest people I have ever met in my life.

Last week we had heat lightning. She had woken up from a bad dream so I opened up her blinds and showed her what the sky looked like.

I said " look it's heat lightning"

she said " grease lightning?"

I said "no heat lightning"

She said "NOOOO MUMMY, Grease Lightning"

I asked her how she knew what "grease lightning" was, and told her that Mummy hates the movie Grease... ( I know she is a little young to be told that... but come on.... I hate the movie Grease and I am silently judging those of you who lllloooovvveee it)

She said "uhhh the wiggles mummy"

I told her that was fine and put her back to bed.

She stayed up for the next 45 minutes singing the god awful grease lightning song.

I went in and finally told her to stop and she had the largest 2 year old shit fit I have ever seen.

She even got the "fists of furry" going... which means she means business.

She said " I won't stop, I won't stop"

I left the room and rolled my eyes and shook my head at what the next 18 years have in store for me.

Today was a huge milestone for us.

She started at her new day care.

I have been worried about this day for weeks.

I think I probably slept for 3 hours last night.... All I could do was imagine the worst.

I ended up with the largest stress zit (some may call it a goiter) on my face that my co workers and I gave it a name.

Andy.

It was super fun all day to say things like "Andy and I are headed for lunch" or "Andy has a lot of paper work to get done this afternoon"

Andy came for no reason though.

She killed it at day care today.

Not one cry, Not one 2 year old shit fit with "fists of furry"....

Nothing.

Just a great report from her new friend "Caffee".

She was loud.

I could hear her as I walked up the drive way to get her.

It made me smile.

My girl is loud.

importance.

2010-08-17T22:02:00.004-04:00

The word shots being screamed at me from across the room used to mean something different.

It used to mean get "get your ass over here, we are going to drink something that is going to make us sick later"

Now, it means "get your ass over here.... you need to get in the net so I can take shots on you with my pink mini stick"

I will willingly admit, that my life had been about christian louboutin shoes and my gucci purse.... about the nice things I had or the nice things I wanted.

Now, it has become about the ways I can make her life better, the things I can do to make her happier.

My girl is demanding. My girl is impatient. My girl is the 3 foot version of me.

Before you have kids people constantly tell you "having a child changes you". They warn you how tired and how busy you will be....

But no one warns you about what happens to your heart.

This girl has changed me from the inside out.

Some where along the way it happened, I can't pinpoint the time exact time......

all I know is it did.

From a distance I witness love differently now.

I see it so clearly in the smallest things... that I would have never noticed before.

As I sat and talked to a friend of mine she described to me how her husband took two hours to shave her head before her first chemo treatment.

Her hair is curly, and he took so long to do it because he didn't want to hurt her.

That is love.

It is strange to me that it took this little girl in my life to change my perspective on just about everything.

Things that I never would have noticed before seem so important now.....

She is the answer to the questions I have always had in my mind.

She is the answer to me.

The one about the polysporin

2010-07-31T22:01:00.004-04:00

Months ago before I had moved back home, there was a moment.

A moment that stopped me dead in my tracks.

Apple took a small fall.

It was nothing major. All she had done was scrape her knee.

I went to grab the polysporin... and realized that she was too young for me to use the adult kind... I would have to go get some of the kids kind......

and with that, I was done for.

That was the moment.

The first moment in my life that I could not just go to a store and buy what I needed.

Financially, it was over for me.

I had used every ounce of savings, I had used every credit card.... I had used everything.

I had nothing.

I sat on the step in my living room and cried.

My brain told me to call my parents, to tell them.... to ask them for help.

But my pride as usual got in the way.

They had no clue how bad it was. No one had any clue how bad it had gotten.

I was carrying the weight of the bills on my own most months, with no job and no source of income.

Things with my support had not been going easily, and I was not receiving regular payments.

I had already started to work part time at my new job, but it wasn't enough.... I had yet to miss a payment but I knew that would only be a few short days away.

That night I laid awake in my bed for hours, hoping for a miracle.

Wishing that something would change.

Words he had said to me earlier that day echoed in my mind..... "no ones coming to save you"

"no one" he kept repeating.

What he said lit some sort of fire in me.....

I started to think to myself.... No one might be coming.... but I will save her and I.

I will fix this.

No one would ever again tell me I couldn't.

The next morning, I went through my normal routine--- but two huge things happened.

I got an email from a friend, just a random forward that I would normally delete, It was one of those email this to three people and something good will happen.... but that is not what caught my eye.

It was a line at the end that read... "You must be the change you wish to see in the world"

I thought about that for a long time... that I had to become the change.

I realized that you can't just sit back and wait for the change, you have to take charge and see what you want out there and go and get it.

That morning I decided that for good, I would be in charge of what was going to happen to us.... and that the best way to do this was easy.... to simply DO IT.

Get out there and get it done.

I did not forward the email for the "good thing to happen"

I just knew it would.

Minutes later I did what I always do, and checked my banking online.

There had been a rather large deposit, from my former employer.

I checked and re checked and called human resources to make sure it was mine.

It was.. infact mine, Some holiday pay that had gotten lost in the shuffle... something that I had not been expecting.

I could breathe.

For the first time in weeks.

I got myself and my best girl ready for the day and we headed out to shoppers.

Where I bought 2 tubes of polysporin, the kids kind.... that we probably didn't need at that point, but I needed it to feel safe.

I still have the two tubes of polysporin.

Each time I use one, I remember.....

I remember that I had to stop wishing for a miracle and make one of my own.

I'll Promise you this.

2010-07-21T21:31:00.002-04:00

There are cracks in my mind formed from all of this.

Cracks where one story starts and another begins.

Cracks where I have pushed a memory so deep inside me that it is hard to recall. But it is there, waiting patiently until I am ready.

Day three of being left by him I got myself to the doctors.

I was a mess, I had not slept in days, I had not eaten in days and all I could do was sob uncontrollably.

He was kind and immediately gave the guidance that I so desperately needed.

Since I had yet to tell most of the people in my life, he encouraged me to reach out..... the help I was going to need with apple beyond important.

I needed rest, and I needed to eat.

I could handle most of that.

It was rational.

I could still be rational. I just needed a plan.

We put a plan in place for the next few and agreed to meet up the next week.

It was going to be ok.

When I stood up to leave... he quickly with one hand on my shoulder sat me back down.

Looking me dead in the eyes, he said " you are both going to need to be tested for stds"

I shrugged it off and told him, " I will, but you will have to talk to him about getting one for himself"

"No, not him he said... Apple. You will have to get Apple tested for aids. She was breast fed"

A whole new kind of rage filled up inside me.

It was never something that crossed my mind.

Ever.

I fought him on it.

I rejected the very thought of it.

No, No way would I do this to her.

No way would I put my baby... my beautiful 9 month of baby girl through this.

But he reasoned with me. He explained to me that it was what was best for her, that without question it would need to be done.

I told no one.

I said nothing.

But we went.

I held my daughter down for more than 4 minutes while they drew the deepest purple color blood I have ever seen.

It took 4 minutes.

4 minutes that felt like 6 hours.

She screamed and cried and stared at me with her big worried eyes.

She would try to them stop by rolling on to her tummy and reaching out for me... all the while I could do nothing but hold her down.

It killed me.

I put my head next to hers and told her over and over again how sorry I was.

I promised her .... that this moment would be her worst.

That everything after this would be better, everything after this would be ok.

When they were finished we sat together on the chair.

I stroked her hair, and she slowly settled.... when she became calm enough to get back home

I put her in her car seat and sat in the parking lot of the medical clinic and sobbed.

Our tests came back clear of any problems.... and for that I am grateful.

Those 4 moments broke something in me that will never be fixed.

They changed me.

But those 4 moments also gave me the strength I needed to complete the rest of the journey,

To keep the promise to her.

"That moment" will be her worst.

Everything. Means, Everything.

2010-06-27T23:12:00.003-04:00

When I was about nine I broke a china doll, I shattered her face while trying to give her a tighter pony tail.

I was scared for my life.

I knew my parents were going to kill me.

I had been warned not to play with the china doll, but I had a hard time with rules even then.

I was so ashamed.

I worried constantly that I would be found out, that my parents would actually kill me and bury me in the backyard by the birch tree.

Months later my dad and I took our first solo trip to Toronto to see the Leafs play.

We took the train and talked the whole way down, I probably annoyed the crap out of him with my questions and my stories but he sat there and listened patiently with his arm around me the entire time.

I was so happy and so comfortable with him.

It was my nine year old heaven.

As we got closer to Toronto, I can clearly remember thinking......

"this is it, this is my chance to tell him... he can't kill me with all these people around"

The confession started with the words no parent ever wants to hear:

"I have to tell you something really really bad"

It came out in the same sort of "verbal diarehha" way I speak today.

In haste I also copped to the fact I was the one that had called the WWF hotline to hear the macho man randy savage tell me to have a good day.... several times actually... over the corse of a single day.

I know I cried and he held me for a long time and promised me that as soon as we got home we would fix that china doll together and that he nor my mother would not actually kill me and bury me out by the birch tree.

He wasn't kidding either.

The next day he and I went and bought the glue and sat out at the kitchen table and piece by piece glued the china doll back together, all the while my mum stood in kitchen telling me how everything was always fixable."Everything" she kept repeating.

The relief I felt was overwhelming.

I knew it was going to be ok.

I have spent most of my life reliving the same cycle with those closest to me.

My actions are typical when things aren't ok.

I push.

and I push.

I live in a dark world alone, with brief phone calls and quick bullshit email updates, and excuses of why I can't come or how tired I am.

But, it's no longer just my parents that can spot this happening.

It is those closest to me.

They know.

They always know.

They know when my mind starts to fade to that dark black part that I can't seem to shake some days.

And what I've learned is that they collectively push harder than I do.

They fight the way into that dark place and drag me out of it kicking and screaming the whole time.

They smother me like you would with a blanket when someone's on fire.

I love them for it. All of them, More than I could ever explain.

Because they know it's not "me".... and they want "me" to be here with them.

The support that I have in my life is not something that is easy to explain....

It had always been there, but a lot like my confession to my dad on the train that day, I just to learn that needed to say it all out loud.

I shake my head in disbelief most days that this is my life because things are good.

Really good.

The darkness still finds its way into my mind.

But they know.

They always know.

And they come to get me.........even when I push.

The Leafs lost the night my dad and I took our trip..... but I think you could have guessed that on your own.

A little bit older, A lot wiser.

2010-06-18T22:25:00.002-04:00

I turned 33 on tuesday, and nothing changed.

But there is a change in me that I find hard to explain.

The changes came late on a wednesday night when I saw something clearly for the first time, or early on a sunday morning when I woke up to apple calling my name.

It was never as fast or as easy as I would have liked it to be, but it happened.

I became, however slowly... the person that sits here today.

More confident.

More settled.

More patient.

More alive.

More aware of what and who I want around me.

My birthday itself was a reminder of both the love that surrounds me and the loneliness inside me.

When I shut the door each time people left from a visit, the silence was still there.

It's not as loud as before, and it's manageable but it is still there inside me.

I wonder every single day if it will ever leave me.

If there is something that will change this.

I'm not sure.

I got a phone call from a friend to wish me happy father's day today.

It surprised me.

He explained to me that I'm both roles to my daughter, even if she may see her father....

I am the one daily that is both her mother and her father.

I cried a bit, like I always do when we talk... and realized he was right.

My girl is upstairs where she belongs, sleeping soundly after a day at the park with my parents and a golf lesson from my brother.

We had an amazing day together

Tonight, I don't hear the silence.

two years.

2010-06-01T22:01:00.002-04:00

This weekend marked the two year anniversary of this mess starting.

Regardless of the time that has passed, anniversary's of events still get to me.

It is not as consuming as it used to be, but it weights on me. Like when you get a bad case of the chills that you can't get rid of.

I know how much things have changed in the last two years, and I am grateful for how far things have come.

But somedays.... well somedays it still hurts.

Some times I still lay awake at night and wonder how or why.

What upsets me is that i will never ever know the truth.

Recently I heard, you can't find peace until you find all the pieces.

I'm searching.

I am trying to fix what was wrong with me then, and what's wrong with me now.

I am coming to some sad conclusions about who I use to be.

That is the piece of the puzzle that I can fix-- the piece that I was never knew that was broken until two years ago.

I am working on this daily, sometimes by the minute, and when I have it sorted in my head, you'll be the first to know.

That chill that followed me around this weekend was warmed by that beautiful girl of mine.

We enjoyed the sun, and the rain but most of all our time together.

It's full sentences and meaningful conversations on a daily basis here. She likes to pick her own shoes and tell me the colour of elastics that go in her hair.

Lately when I am laughing or smiling Apple will look at me and say..

" look mommy...... your happy"

She sees it, which pushes me to not just look it, but to be it.

She can see my happiness even on the days I can't.

where we are.

2010-05-13T21:32:00.003-04:00

Resentment is a dangerous thing.

I don't feel it everyday, but I feel it.

Alot.

Some days I feel it when I am racing home after work to pick her up from day care.

I am never fast enough.

I can never seem to get diner on the table or get changed out of my work clothes or do just anything..... with out a struggle.

Sometimes I feel it when I am doing a million things well, but nothing great.

Like I am never enough.

Sometimes I feel it when I am sitting at my desk at work, wishing I was at home with her.

But I had no choice.

Some days I feel it when he tells me he can't take her on his weekend.

He has a choice.

I don't.

I just need to make it all work.

I need to shuffle things around and back out on commitments.

The resentment builds frustration, anger and stress in me.

I can't stand it.

It is not who I am.

This week something very important dawned on me.

I truly believe that if you are not frustrated, angry or stressed sometimes as a parent, then you are probably not doing your job right.

Most parents are.

Most of us are constantly any or all of those three things at any given time.

What I am feeling is ok.

It's right.

It is where I am right now.

Recognizing this makes me hopeful.

just another one.

2010-05-08T23:26:00.004-04:00

I want to be able to tell you i am ok everyday, but I am not.

I still struggle some days, and I still feel weak others.

It is days like tomorrow that I find it hard to deal with.

It's mothers day, and I am a mother that will have her daughter with me all day long.

I am grateful.

Beyond grateful that I will be able to spend the entire day with my best girl.

Beyond grateful that I have friends and family, that will call not because they feel sorry for me, but because they love me.

But days like this are a constant reminder of this life that was meant for three, now being lived by two.

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt even mentioning something so seemingly trivial.

My brain tells me to push this out....

My heart reminds me just how alone you can feel.

Even when your not.

Not her. Me.

2010-04-27T23:25:00.004-04:00

As I lay in bed tonight I hear the same music coming from her room that I have played for her every night since she was born.

It tones down the sharpness of the dogs bark and makes the sound of the washing machine fade away in the distance.... but mostly it is a familiar sound that both of us like to hear at night.

Being here has settled us both. We are calmer versions of who we were a few months ago, very quickly we have gotten use to this new routine.

I am back to work four days a week, and she is with her sitter and my mum for those days.

She has come leaps and bounds since day one.... now going with out much fuss, and enjoying her time while she is there.

I have not.

I miss her.

I miss her so much every day that it is painful.

I cry most days at some point, when I look at the time and wonder what she might be doing, or when I think of the way she ate her breakfast like a big girl in the morning.

Mostly I just wish it was me that could take her to the park or open her raisin box.

Mostly I am resenting the person that took that away from me.

I understand the bottom line well.

This is what happens; this is what has to be done; this is the sacrifice that I have to make;

But I miss her.

My god do I miss her.

I have been blessed with an amazing boss, and a great work environment.

They are BEYOND accommodating to my situation, and they are 100% on board with my "apple comes first" attitude.

I have also been blessed with the most amazing parents.

They pick up the slack and more on a daily basis.

Not a single day goes by when I don't regret being an asshole to them when I was a teenager. (and maybe early 20's... ok and maybe my late 20's early 30's.... come to think of it I was probably an asshole baby too)

So, I get it.

We all have to do this, and it sucks..... and not many people are as blessed as I am.

I will get through this.

I should also probably re think how much of an asshole I can be.

But that's another blog.

A letter to my friend.

2010-04-05T23:33:00.002-04:00

I know you are not ok.

The truth is you won't be for awhile.

I know that you are in more pain than you ever thought possible.

The truth is this is the beginning of a very long road.

I know you just want to hit rewind and get it all back.

The truth is there will come a day when you won't want any of it back, you'll just want to move forward.

I know that some days it takes every ounce of strength you have in you to get out of bed.

The truth is you have to, for those two beautiful children of yours.

I know that you are blaming yourself for all of this.

The truth is none of this is your fault... you have always been a dedicated wife and mother who never wanted anything more than the best for her family.

I know that you don't understand.

The truth is you never really will.

I know you think it will never be the same.

The truth is it won't... it will be different, then better.

I know you feel alone.

The truth is we all do, but none of us every really are, there are so many people who want to be here for you, not just through this... but forever.

Most of all I know that you feel lost.

The truth is you are.... but those two children are your map.

You will get through this.

I promise.

Moving recap.

2010-04-05T23:00:00.003-04:00

Home.

It's weird to say, but even weirder to feel.

The last day at my old house was painful and full of a profound sadness that I knew had been waiting in the dark shadows of my mind.

I was blindsided by how empty the house looked as the movers took everything out of my house, piece by piece I watched it all leave the house....

easily remembering the days that all of it came in the house.

I was alone.

In our house.

I was alone.

Again.

And then, out of no where I wasn't.

My neighbours who have now become more like family, were there beside me.... just like they always had been.

My last memory of the house on Farmhouse Road will always be of them.

Standing in the garage hugging so tight that I didn't want to let go.

My first memory of my new house will always be of my dad, standing on my driveway waiting for me.

It already felt like home.

Seeing him standing out there felt so familiar, mostly because I never came home on time as a teenager so when he was really pissed he would stand outside on the driveway and wait for me....

The weekend flew by and by the time Sunday came my best girl and I were comfortably living in our new house.

It's more real now for me than ever before.

That I am alright now.

I slept better my first night here then I had slept in years, and when I woke up.... I instantly knew I was home.

We love it here.

This was the best thing we could have done..... It has already started to change things for us.

I feel it slowly but surely, a new normal.. that I adore.

The bittersweet.

2010-03-09T22:24:00.002-05:00

It's been too long. Bottom line.

Life gets ahold of you sometimes, and I tell myself I will write tomorrow... then tomorrow turns into next week and next week turns into next month.

But, here I am... living in a half packed house... trying not to go nuts.

The last month has been so overwhelming in so many ways.

The memory's from a life gone by are everywhere I look these days.

As I pack, sort and throw out parts of our life I am constantly reminded of a life created by two, is now being lead by a different set of two.

I have been stand-offish and I have been distant to those closest to me.

I have not been myself... for weeks.

My ability to clearly recall moments of "us" in this house is paralyzing, and I am often left in tears.

No longer because I want my life back, but because of the pain I feel that someone I had loved so much hurt me this badly.

I have come to a very clear understanding that this pain is a part of me and no matter how much time passes I will always shake my head in disbelief that this is what he chose to do to Apple and I.

The more good things that happen to me soften the edges of my heart... my happiness is daily and I am comfortable in my own skin but I believe the process of packing and moving has taken it's toll on me.

In the middle of all this Apple and I got sick.

She was first.

It was fast and violent and with 100% certainty the most frightened I have ever been in my life.

It came on so suddenly and with such force that I was beyond shocked.

I had never seen her like that and pray every night that I will never have to see her like that again.

It was 7 solid hours of getting sick every twenty minutes.

At around 345am as we layed in my bed... she reached out for my hand and held it tightly, she used her other hand to brush her little fingers over my eyes, as if to tell me to shut them.

That it would be ok to sleep for a bit.

When I woke up she was cozied in beside me like she used to when she was a baby, the dog and cat had joined us on the bed at some point after we both fell asleep....

Easily I forgot about the night before and layed there with my family and felt content.

It is nights like that one that I understand more why I am going to be ok.

Because I stayed, for better or worse, in sickness and in health-- I stayed, and I make this life great for us every single day, without him.

But not without help.

My parents were unbelievable through out the entire ordeal... ( I got sick a few days later, and they kept a pretty miserable Apple occupied for the day.)

The weekend also brought some good times that I need to mention.

Some great friends of mine had a party for me on Friday night.... one that I am sure they... or I will not easily forget.

We laughed and we cried....and I made a middle eastern man say the f word.

Not because he was mad at me, but because I pressured him into it.

It was amazing, and exactly what I needed.

I also got a suprise sleepover with one of my besties on Saturday night, so all and all great weekend.

I move in 10 days.

I'll do my best to keep you updated on how we do over this next bit,

but bare with me....

Everytime a bell rings.

2010-02-11T22:33:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago, while in therapy I was asked a very interesting question.... one that I think we should all ask ourselves.

If you had to chose one... and only one which would it be.

To care for... or be taken care of by your partner.

Right there....

I know you think your answer just popped in your head

So did I.

I was wrong.

Let's see if you were too.

At first my gut said "to care for". Because that's me.

That is what I do. I care for those around me.

My therapist stopped me when I tried to answer.

She told me to give it time. Two whole weeks in fact.

So I did.

Until Today.

I kept my feet firmly planted in the "care for" column for about 3 days.

Then I wavered.

I started to think about all of my past relationships and why they never worked.

Mostly I thought about the one I just got out of.

I have "cared for" in every serious relationship I have ever been in.

I don't remember a relationship that I have been in that I have been "taken care of".

I think most of it stems from the fact I have a really hard time giving up the control of what is going on around me.

Most of the time, I know I let myself think that I was being taken care of....

but being taken care of based on what someone else thinks you need is not really being taken care of.

I didn't make my voice heard, I accepted what someone else thought I needed as fact and continued to let myself believe that I getting all I needed.

When really I was just accepting what someone else thought was enough to give.

I need to be taken care of.

Bottom line.

It is difficult and almost shameful for me to admit, but I do.

I am told that the more I say it the less shameful it becomes.

I need to be taken care of... NO, still feels shameful.

Collectively my family and I love the movie "It's a Wonderful Life",

That movie is so full of love, strength, faith and friendship.. that I try to watch it a few times a year, Not just at Christmas.

We called it "looking for your Mary".

Trying to find that one true person that will walk with you through the fire.

George needed his Mary. Just as Mary needed her George.

I need to find my George.

127 includes 2 swears.

2010-02-01T22:39:00.004-05:00

I wonder what she dreams about at night.

Sometimes late at night I wake up to her talking to herself.

I roll over and watch her on the video monitor with amazement.

Some nights she will lay there and talk to her self for twenty minutes before she falls back asleep.

I love this.... more than I could ever explain.

With each day more words come.... and so do some of the most profound... yet simple moments of my life.

A few nights ago, when I was tucking her into bed... without being prompted she said "love you mummy" as I was closing her door.

I told her I loved her and ran back in to give her another kiss.

After I shut the door that night, I sat at the top of the stairs and cried.

I honestly never imagined those words having any affect on me ever again.

Because "i love you" had become something that had been so callously said to me.

Just words, with nothing behind them.

But hearing them from her, my beautiful little girl was enough to melt my "cold dead heart".

There is a word that she doesn't say all that often.

Dad.

She still sees him once a week and every other weekend.... but he is just not a subject that comes up when she is with me.

It's odd to me that at two, maybe she knows he is not something I am ready to talk to her about.

I pray for the strength and the restraint when the questions come.

As recently as three weeks ago, he said to me in a heated argument

"you have no clue what it's like-- to be dealing with my life"

He is right.

I don't.

I have no clue what it must be like to not know all 127 words(yes i keep track) that she says off by heart... or that she jumped off the edge of the pool at swimming into my arms last week.

I have no clue what it must be like watch her grow up right before your eyes and not get to be a part of it daily.

So yeah.... I don't have a clue.

Thank god for that.

As I began to pack tonight I was filled with a sense of closure.

This close to last step of the puzzle is finally taking shape.

We are closing in on the last lap in our journey to get back home.

We can't wait.

Getting older.

2010-01-22T12:34:00.003-05:00

I officially have a two year old.

Her birthday was the 19th.

We had a party for her over the weekend with a lot of our friends and family.

She was happier than I have ever seen her.

Her love was boiling over that day.

Most of her favorite people were in the room that day and she could barely contain herself.

Neither could I.

The joy I get from seeing her like that is like nothing I can explain.

All I can tell you; is that it is worth every ounce of pain that I have ever felt.

I felt a sense of pride that afternoon; one that I have been able to carry around with me most of this week.

As we all sang happy birthday; I whispered to her "we made it".

I know now she doesn't have a clue what I mean.

But one day she will.

One day she will know that I didn't break.

That I kept going for her.

I sat down last week and read my whole blog start to finish.

I had been meaning to focus on the entry about Apples last birthday; but I got stuck.

Stuck trying to remember what it was like back then.

Stuck with all those same emotions weighing heavy on my heart.

It has been one hell of a year since I started to write this blog.

It has provided me with some really amazing opportunities, and above all else strength.

I can only imagine what the next year holds for us.

I am finally in a place where I am excited and at peace with what is to come.

The one about the house; and the girls.

2010-01-14T23:44:00.006-05:00

It's been some time.

I waited for a reason.

I wanted to be sure that I could tell you this.

It is SOLD and we are going home.

I have not yet been able to fully come to terms with what this means or let it sink in.

I am have been really down the last few days, a lot of it is financial stress but some of it is coming to terms with the fact that this is it....

This is the home I almost died in.

This is the home that I learned I was pregnant.

This is the home we brought her back to live in.

This is the home that she took her first steps in.

This is the home where she called me Mommy for the first time.

This is the home I came back to life in.

But my heart tells me that this isn't home.

Our home is anywhere we go together.

The place we are living in is just that.

A place.

Where promises were made and lives were changed forever.

March 15th will be a difficult day; But March 15th will also be the first day of the rest of our lives.

I know my life has had some serious ups and downs in the last year; but nothing could have prepared me for today.

Today we made some new friends.

One of my closest friends teaches at a high school, and has been sharing the blog with her students.

Today we met.

Today they made us feel welcome and special and loved.

These are beautiful girls, each and every one of them with different stories to share; who wanted nothing more than to sit and talk and watch Apple destroy there classroom.

I struck me today on the way home from this; that I wish at 15 or 16 someone would have pulled me aside and told me that at 32 I would feel just as lost some days as I did then.

I am so glad to have had the opportunity to talk to them today.

It is not a day I will ever forget.

I won't forget the message that my friend left for me when I got home either.

Her words were some of the kindest that I have ever heard; and today for the first time in a really long time I not only listened to the words that she said but I felt inside of me without doubt that they were true.

These are some of our new friends; with my best girl.

I know you are probably reading this in your last class of the year today with that amazing teacher of yours.....

So from the bottom of our hearts;

Thank you.

The Frame.

2009-12-28T22:49:00.002-05:00

Last december I threw out a frame.

Every time I walked by the god dame thing I would scream cry or have some sort of rage fit.

Yes, Every time.

The frame was a wedding gift; from who.... I don't remember.

It was wooden and had an inscription on the front that read..

"All Because Two People Fell In Love"

Back then it felt like an attack.

Like each time was the realization that my husband had fallen in love with someone else.

I think I went at that frame with a hammer, a can of febreze and threw old gross cat litter on top of it... just to make sure it was really really broken.

No matter what I did.... or what I do, I can't get those words out of my head.

"All Because Two People Fell In Love"

It's only now that I can see that the reason I was so mad at that stupid frame was because I was so angry that I let my self fall in love with someone that would do something like this.

When I heard those words "All Because Two People Fell In Love" in my head I was ashamed.

Ashamed of him for what was done, and ashamed to actually be the girl who let it happen.

But time changes things.

Now, when I hear those same words in my head, I think of Apple.

She exists "All Because Two People Fell In Love", and for that I am blessed.

I now feel and have for sometime, that this is the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

Yes, this whole thing has become one of the biggest blessings in my life.

I can fully admit, that I am happier now than I ever have been.

I am a better version of that girl I kept searching for in the mirror.

I am myself. Finally and happily.

I am lonely and crusty somedays, but I am dealing with it knowing this:

I get a do over, on my own terms and in my own way at no fault of my own.

Why?

"All Because Two People Fell In Love"

Love is the reason we do 70% of the things we do in life,

We change things about ourselves and our world for the ones we love.

We fix things about ourselves for the ones we love.

We do a lot of shit we really don't want to do for the ones we love.

We fight harder and push longer for the ones we love.

We sacrifice for the ones we love.

"All Because Two People Fell In Love"

It is just that simple.

When the punishment fits the crime.

2009-12-22T21:20:00.005-05:00

This one took forever.

It has taken me two solid weeks to write and re write the words to this post.

I would write then delete, then undo then undo the undo.

It felt harsh and cold, which is not where I am today in my heart... but it is the reality in which I live.

With christmas around the corner the push and pull of where we go is ever present.

We are back and fourth from that place we call home 3 or 4 times in the next week or so.

Trying to arrange drop offs and pick ups can be overwhelming on the best of days, but during the holidays it often feels more stressful.

A part of me hates that this is how our life is, but another part is so glad that she will never know any different.

He will always have her on boxing day, that won't ever change. That is his christmas day with Apple, mine is Christmas eve and Christmas day.

It had been decided 8 months ago, and it is understood how our holidays and birthdays work.

There was no arguing when it was decided. Just acceptance on both sides that this is the way it was going to be.

I respect him for that.

As much as it must hurt to not see her on Christmas day, I believe that it is something that he feels he could give to me in an effort to make things right.

Last year Christmas was a blur. I don't really remember most of it to be honest. I know where I was and I know what I did... but I wasn't really there.

I am crazy excited about the holidays this year. I can't wait t

o see her face when she opens up her presents. (she has had some practice--- she thought it would be a good idea to open up a gift or two early last week)

I can't wait to watch her in her jammies that match her cousins.

I can't wait to watch her dance with excitement when she likes her presents.

I can't wait to see her smile her big smile... the one she gives me when she is in love with the world around her.

Although there are hardships being a single parent.... there is good stuff that people don't tell you.

There is something to be said for knowing that everyday until she has her own family;

She will wake up with me on christmas day and we will smile those big smiles at each other.... and understand each other like only her and I can....

The happiness that this girl brings me is the best gift I have ever been given.

Merry Christmas from Apple and I.

(one more post before christmas coming at some point in the next 2 days; I had to break todays post into 2)

Really? Yeah. Really.

2009-12-07T20:05:00.003-05:00

My life in general provides both my family and my friends with laughter.

It's not always in the ways that I would like, sometimes well actually most of the time it is the sheer volume of embarrassing things that happen to me on any given day.

On Sunday, I went to my niece's baptism. I am one of her god mothers.

I think a relevant part of the story is to tell you up front that I am not catholic.

I don't pretend to be either, I curse like a sailor and don't go to church on a regular basis.

For starters, I knew apple was not going to do well in church.

I can't get her to sit still at home on the couch for ten minutes... so i was positive that the likely hood of her doing so a church would be slim to none, especially because she doesn't understand the whole "i'll put the fear of god in you thing"

Apple with some help from me scaled the pew to get to my parents sitting behind us.... who were able to control her far better than I.... which allowed me to take part in my first official godparent duty.

I had to make a cross on my niece's forehead.

The two other god parents went before me and I didn't really pay any attention to what finger they used so I just used good old peter pointer.

If you are catholic than you are probably laughing right now....

This anglican girl didn't know that she was supposed to use her thumb.

I still don't get why, but apparently it is just what you do,

who knew that your thumb was more holy then peter pointer....

After that Apple started to get a bit crazy... not really crazy just loud.

So I decided it was time for me to get her out of the church for a bit. We went to the front of the church and I let her walk around for a bit. Which was making things a lot better until she saw a cat outside.

She ran to the door and started screaming "KITTY" KITTY". (not just twice, probably close to 25 times) People were starting to turn around in the back three isles and I knew that she was just going to get louder, so I opened the door so we could go outside and see the cat.

But the cat had other ideas.

It scooted into the back of the church much to the delight of Apple.

I without thinking set Apple down and ran for the Cat.

I caught it quickly, and turned around to see something scarier then a cat in a catholic church.

Apple had both hands on the rope dangling from the celling.

That rope rings the church bell.

So... I ran with a cat in one arm over to apple and scooped her up with great force... which caused some crying and headed outside in FREEZING cold weather with no coat.

My dad came outside seconds later to relieve me from my duties so I could go up and finish my godparent duties at the front of the church.

Which I did... without any other incidents. Well, other then the fact I wondered to myself if holy water tasted like sweat.

That was Sunday.

Today was a new day.... Today I started a new job.

New on a lot of levels, but to be honest.... It is something that I know a lot about... So I didn't have a lot of fears of it not going well.

It did go well.

It actually went great.

Despite the fact that with in the first two hours of being on the job I "BY ACCIDENT" hit the silent alarm at the front desk which caused the police to show up within two minutes of me hitting the alarm "BY ACCIDENT".

Hours later I fixed the Christmas tree at work, much to the delight of my boss.

She told me that fixing it all but cancelled out the fact I hit the alarm "BY ACCIDENT" and that I could keep my job.

I'll let you know how day two goes.

the one about home depot.

2009-11-30T21:41:00.003-05:00

My girl and I have some pretty serious adventures day to day.

Most days we make everything we do fun, with vanilla oreo's... and what ever random toys are shoved in my purse that day...Including but not excluding balloons, beach balls, flash lights, headbands, dolls, legos, thomas, percy, bertie the bus... you name it we have taken it with us out and about.

Late last week we went to Home Depot, we needed some light bulbs and clear garbage bags.

That was it... that was all we needed.

Light bulbs and garbage bags.

Seems simple doesn't it.

These two items are mere feet away from each other... It was a maximum eight minute job.

I got the light bulbs quickly, and was checking out my options in the garbage bag section.

Apple was happily singing and clapping safely in the cart.

I looked over at her a few times, making sure that she was alright... and each time she was.

Until something looked different.

Keep in mind I was looking at garbage bags, this whole process took under two minutes.

Apple found a way in seconds to take off both her coat and her shirt....In the middle of Home Depot.

I stared at her for a few seconds trying to process how and why she had felt necessary to do this when a man approached from behind me to tell me that my daughter was half naked in Home Depot.... and that I was not doing anything about it.

I stared back at him blankly and said.... "yes she is.. but it doesn't seem to be bothering her"

He said.... "yeah, but I think it is a little cold"

I then ran over and began to re dress her.

Which did not go smoothly.

There was screaming and crying and what I like to call "fists of furry".. which means she air punches and if she hits you... well that's your problem because you were in the way.

That my friends is what a trip to Home Depot can be like with a two year old.

My dad constantly tells me that Home Depot is a great place to pick up men,

Yes, he tells me that ALL the time.

I guess one of us was trying.

Ready to run.

2009-11-21T12:58:00.003-05:00

After a visit to my therapist on Tuesday I searched for answers.

I looked deeper then before.

Deeper than I wanted to.

I am the kind of person who can deflect any question or any comment into a joke.

I avoid dealing with my emotions and feelings although they always feel like they are right there at the surface... ready to come out.

On Tuesday we talked a lot about why.

I used to think it was because I was afraid of how people around me would react,

now after a lot of thought, I think it is just the opposite.

I am actually afraid of how I will react to the emotion.

Of actually admitting the real way I feel... Of actually feeling the emotion, letting it get a hold of me and losing some control.

I know why it changed, that is easy.

I started to shut down what I was feeling so it wouldn't hurt so much.

So I wouldn't have to listen to everything inside me telling me to run.

Where that leaves me today is with a place that makes me uncomfortable, scared and vulnerable.

A place that is new to me.

A place where I know what is wrong and I know how to fix it....

I'm just not so sure that I can.

I still got it.

2009-11-16T22:46:00.002-05:00

First off.... I am sorry to all of you that have emailed and called that I haven't had a chance to get back to.

When I opened my inbox on Sunday night I was shocked to find 47 emails from a lot of you who read this blog.

It was overwhelming.

It was gratifying.

It was love in it's purest form.

I spent the entire weekend in the small town I call still call home... the same place I dream about getting back to.... the place where I feel most like me.

I got home in the early afternoon and spent some time with my grandpa.

He and I had a pretty serious heart to heart about life.

He told me what it was like to get old... and see the inevitable staring you in the face... to know that your time is limited and to still have worry in your heart.

That worry is for me.

He explained that he would love to see me be married again, and have more children if that is what I wanted... Mostly he told me that he didn't want me to be alone.

I held is hand tightly and told him the same things that I tell most of you.

That I am fine.

Is it a lie?

Is it accurate?

Is it what I really feel?

Most days, yes it is.

Yes, at the end of the day I am physically alone, but now more than a year ago my life is filled with people who love me and with people who want to be around me.

People that care enough to send the emails and people who care enough to call.

So... Saturday was it rough?

Yeah, a bit.

But so are random Monday mornings when the ladies at swimming ask why Apple's dad never comes.

This is a life that has taken some getting used to, but it's a life that I accept and have grown to love.

Keep looking...

2009-11-06T22:35:00.008-05:00

As the days grow darker faster and the cold mornings stay until the late afternoon my mind drifts back to the place I was last year.

"Our" anniversary was October 1st.

I didn't write about it, I didn't talk about it.... I attempted not to think about it.

But I did end up dealing with it.

I think that no matter how much I attempt to pretend that I am not affected by holidays, birthdays, anniversary or even just the every day memories.... I am.

As each event comes and goes...it does get easier to deal with.

Or maybe I am just getting stronger.

That night my memories came flooding back as I put my daughter to bed.... I remembered where we went for dinner and what we both ordered. I remembered how happy I felt and that I thought that things were getting better with us. I remembered feeling so connected to him.

I kept the card he had given me on that night until a day or two ago.

It was a beautiful card, one that I had also picked for him years earlier, but it wasn't the card that held the meaning.... it was the words inside.

He told me then, that his gift to me would be simple... He wanted to be a better husband to me, and that he would spend the rest of his life trying.

45 days later he would walk out the front door forever.

It took me by surprise later that same night to start remembering more.

Actually, not more.... just the truth.

I remembered how he got up from the table at least 4 or 5 times to go to the washroom,

I remember that he stayed up late that night to work,

I remember feeling empty

But mostly I remember knowing.

I knew with every thing inside me that he was still having an affair.

There had been no connection, only deception....

There had been no happiness for me on that night, only fear and sadness....

It was not getting better, it was getting worse.

We are eight days shy of being on our own for a year, and we do things everyday that I never thought we would be able to do on our own.

I can finally say out loud for probably the first time in my life, that I am proud of myself.

For kicking this things ass

For getting on with my life

For playing fair

For being true to myself and my daughter

and most importantly....For starting to live again.

Clap for him.

2009-11-02T19:38:00.003-05:00

Last thursday night I got to do something that I have been waiting to do since I was 18.

I sat 6 rows from the front with one of my best friends to watch Jay Z.

It was unreal and so real all at the same time.

We laughed harder then I have in a long time and did not sit down for about three hours.

By far it was the best concert I have ever been to.

Although it took 3 days to restore my hearing fully.... it was worth it.

Normally, I don't do things like this... even if it's something that I really want to do.

I always tell myself next time... or think about some reason why it doesn't work for me.... but this time I made no excuses, I have found that lately I push my self harder then ever to do things that I would not normally do.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

But at this point I think just putting myself in situations that I am nervous about or uncomfortable with is what's important.

As a year of this new life is quickly approaching... I am only now realizing the lessons that I was always meant to learn in all of this.

But that is another post to come later this month.

Apple has had a great few days... she is going on the big girl toilet like a champ and loves company while doing so.

In fact, every person that is in my home at any given time is forced to come in and watch "it."

"It" can be one of two things and you know what those two things are.

She expects all of us, to sit/stand and watch until she is completely done.... at which point she jumps off the toilet to stare at what has just gone into the toilet.

Normally screaming "Uck". Followed by trying to stick her hands into the toilet to fish "it" out.

All and all, it is a lot grosser then i thought it would be, but I am thrilled with my big girls progress.

Next on the list is training her how to unload the dishwasher and cleaning up dog poop in the backyard.....my dad's out of town for a month so somebody's gotta do it.

as a favor.

2009-10-26T20:43:00.002-04:00

What I need today more than anything in this world is for my house to sell.

It consumes me night and day.

It is one of those things that I go to bed thinking about and I wake up thinking about.

There are so many reasons why I want it to sell, but mostly it is to cut ties with my old life and move home to be closer to my support system.

It no longer feels like something I want.... It is something I need.

Each day without a showing or an offer is painful.

I sometimes think that it has taken so long because I needed to see and feel more to be 100% certain of my decision.

Probably the day I listed the house I was at about 80%, and now.... I am at 110%.

So if you can... as a favor before you go to bed tonight....or as you are reading this,

Think some really positive thoughts for me.

We need this, more than you will ever know.

Chapter 4.

2009-10-23T16:21:00.004-04:00

When i first started seeing my therapist she told me that through this process I would have to sit down and write four letters.

One to my former husband, one to the other woman, one to a person I felt that saved me and one to my daughter.

I have written the first two listed above and you have read them here, the third was recently written but the fourth I have struggled with for months.

Below is my best effort at telling her how it is today... and how it's been since she came into my life.

My best girl;

It took me four hours to fall in love with you.

That is by far the fastest I have ever fallen in love with anyone in my life, so don't feel bad.

Minutes after you were born and they layed you on my chest... I felt nothing.. but pain and confusion.

It was not until we were alone in our room four hours later that I looked past the cries and the fear inside me... and saw you.

Really saw you....

That moment was the most defining moment of my life.

I had this feeling then that I still carry with me today...

That you and I would be forever.

I had no clue about what was to come, or that this is where we would be today... but I would do it all over again and more if it meant having you in my life.

In the first months of this mess it was you that pulled me out of bed and gave me the focus and drive to live and for that I owe you .

I promise that I will spend the rest of my life giving you the life that I wanted for you and nothing less.

Please know that we will always be ok.

No matter what life throws at us, there will never be a problem too big or too small that the two of us can't fix head on...

you and I will make it through it together, always my girl, I am never going anywhere.

Nothing in this world means as much to me as you do... and everyday I am grateful to have you by my side.

I know that one day when you read all these words that I have written, you will have so many questions.

I will always do my best to answer them, but all you need to ever know is this;

You are loved.

So loved by so many, and that my girl will never change.

I love you through and through,

Mummy

xoxo

briefly

2009-10-22T22:28:00.003-04:00

When you least expect it.. life kicks you in the ass.

I wrote last week about the broken furnace and broken gas fireplace. I rounded out the week with a broken dryer and the dog getting sprayed by a skunk.

As calm as I try to be, I am not a calm person by nature....I lose my marbles on a regular basis.

Each thing that happened made me think, well at least it can't get worse then this..... but it did again and again.

After the dog got sprayed by the skunk I sat down on my laundry room floor and cried. A lot.

But, I picked myself up and went into the garage and washed him with this magic stuff....

and tried to take a look at things from a different perspective.

The facts are as follows

My furnace broke: but i was gullible enough to buy the crazy insurance from my gas company so if it breaks they come and fix it for free. (so $1100 of work done for free)

The gas fireplace broke: but was fixed for free with in 24hrs by my trusty neighbor dan.

My dryer broke: it is actually dead and beyond the world of fixing, but my other trusty neighbor jessie just happened to have a spare dryer that he is letting me use.

The dog got sprayed buy a skunk: my house and my dog wreaked like bloody hell, but both were fixable with in 24 hours. (thanks to lindsbabes fancy skunk smell recipe)

Each of these things which seemed like the end of the world at the time---- are small things that with help from those around me were fixable.

All I had to do was ask.

My Best Girl

2009-10-16T20:15:00.004-04:00

I leave a lot out when I write. I know, I say that a lot.

Mostly because it sometimes seems like to much to say, but other times I think I am the only one in the world who must be feeling this way....or maybe I am just to ashamed to admit what really goes on.

But lately I started to understand that we are all sort of interconnected with our emotions and feelings.

An easy example is my beautiful little girl.

That same little girl that I tell you says and does all those sweet and amazing things also does the following;

Screams bloody murder when I tell her no.

Screams bloody murder when I take something away from her.

Screams bloody murder basically at the drop of a dime.

She slaps me.

She hits me.

She throws down any where at any time... meaning, she will lay on the floor at home, shoppers, my family's houses and lose her mind for no good reason.

Throws food on the floor, at the dog and at me.

Rips apart books.

You name it she has done it.

For example, I went to fill up the dog's food container the other day in the garage, it is a two minute task.

This is what happened with in that two minutes.

After this, she decided it would be a good idea to rip down the entire wood part of the toy bin.

The funny thing about all this is that for the longest time I only told the people closest to me what a struggle she had become. It is sometimes so painfully hard to even get through an hour with her.

There are more days then I would like to admit that I want to run screaming from the house.

It wasn't until I started to open up to everyone around me that I realized, everyone with kids is dealing with the same things I am.

It has nothing to do with being a single parent, and everything to do with just being a parent.

So these days instead of saying she is "great" when people ask, I tell them how she tried to rip the cats tail off, or how she threw a massive tantrum on the floor at Walmart.

The honesty about what I am dealing with or what goes on here on a daily basis is so important, to not only those closest to me.... but to everyone.

This is what life is like, it's the things we don't say that tend to be the most important.

from a we to a me to an us.

2009-10-11T20:34:00.004-04:00

It's thanksgiving this weekend.... and it is freezing, and my furnace is broken and I can't get the gas fireplace going.... so we are cold.

In fact one of us is still in her sleeper from last night, because it is the warmest thing that I can find for her to wear.

It's a good thing I have a little girl who constantly runs about 2 degrees higher then the average person.

This weekend has been hard, because as the seasons change I am reminded more and more of where we were last year at this time.

He was still here, and I was still believing in us.

He was gone this weekend last year to Vegas, opting out of Thanksgiving to go on a trip with some of his work friends.

Or that's what I thought...... actually that's what I forced myself to believe, because thinking it was anything else seemed so impossible at the time.

It becomes clear after all this time that I was just so unwilling to see the obvious. That I was so blind to what was happening right in front of me.

The clear part me to is this: we were not a priority then.... something like Thanksgiving, although seemingly unimportant to some... is still a time to be shared with family, together.

Setting those expectations for my daughter now has become so important for me.

It's days like today that create her memories.

Like what Nana's house smells like when she walks in.... or how Grandpa makes her feel like the most special little girl in the world.

I want her to feel love on a day like today sitting around a crowded table and laughing about how many drinks my brother has on the go at any given time, or how my other brother at 35 still refuses to eat any form of vegetable.

Yesterday as we walked down by the path close to where we live, we ran into a couple and a child.

They were both holding the little boys hands on either side and doing the 1, 2, 3 weeeeee game. (you know the one, where you swing them up in the middle of you)

We play this when she is walking with Nana and I in the mall.

She looked up at me and said 123 weeee, and my eyes filled with tears.

Knowing that it was just me and 123 weee, is not a game I can play with her on my own.

But my best girl solved our problem.

She stood in front of me and lifted her little hands into mine.... and we 123 weee'd all on our own.

It reminds me that we can do this, that against all odds.... we are going to make this life,

our life..... just that... ours.

Waiting in the Cold.

2009-10-05T20:07:00.004-04:00

Have you ever had one of those phone calls that last so long not only have you had to change ears, but you actually change to speaker for a portion of the call because both ears are now sore?

I have had plenty in my life... but only few have ever made me really re evaluate things as much as one I had the other day.

A friend of mine, who suffered a loss far greater then my own called to check in.

The call was filled with tears and laughter.... but mostly it was filled with a profound connection that I never would have expected.

To raise a child alone is an experience like no other.

The only people that ever really understand are the ones that actually do it on a daily basis.

It's those people that I can laugh with about the strange yet amazing parts of single parenthood....

There is something to be said for restraining your child in a headlock in her highchair after she has shoved a french fry up her nose.. and pulling the part that is logged so far up her nose you can barely see it...... out with a pair of tweezers.

Those are the times when i miss someone walking in the door at 5 to ask me how the day was....

because that is not the kind of story anyone wants to hear, but a parent.

We discussed those moments when random strangers ask if our daughters look like there mothers/fathers.... or what it's like when your child is calling other people mama or dada.

Believe me, you can't make shit like this up.

I have cried in the checkout line at walmart, after someone asked my little girl where her daddy was.

The other thing we talked a lot about was love.

The way my friend talked about losing the love of a lifetime was heartbreaking.

The pain I could feel coming from the other end of the phone was so familiar.

The pain I felt knowing that I have never been loved like that was a deep blow that I never would have expected.

It hurts to know that I haven't had that in my life yet, and it may never happen for me.

Ever.

The pain I feel is like a cut that's healing....

some days I barely feel it...

and other days I feel like someone just poured salt over it.

I don't know when this goes away completely or if it ever will.

fear.

2009-10-02T10:06:00.004-04:00

The new me doesn't work so well sometimes.

Although there are good things about it, there is also bad.

I take things to heart more, I take things to seriously, I regret more, I am hurt more.

The things that used to roll off my back don't.

I feel somethings so deeply, almost too deeply.

The smallest things that really shouldn't hurt so much, shake me to my core.

It scares me.

It scares me that there is more out there that can be lost, and that I will end up with that same pain I had in my life on day one of this for the rest of my life.

It forces me to push away the good things out of fear.

Like I said, the new me doesn't work so well sometimes.

I'm going to need hearing aids later in life.

2009-09-28T18:02:00.004-04:00

All day long, my day is filled with the following sounds...

Apple crying, screaming, yelling, talking, laughing...

Apple throwing, dumping, ripping toys in and out of bins....

the dog and his non stop pacing, barking and whining...

the cat and her non stop indy 500 race around the house..

the phone ringing...

the washing machine running...

the dryer buzzing....

the dishwasher hissing...

the tap dripping...

the tv and its quiet show, then louder then the listed above commercial...

It is enough to drive a sane person crazy.

There are days when I walk away from it all..go into my bathroom, sit on the edge of my bathtub and cry.

Sometimes I just want it all to stop.

I just want some peace. Well, that's what I tell myself.

But as I walk down stairs each night at 8pm, I am surrounded by the deafening silence that has become my world.

I tend to isolate myself at this time at night, mostly because I know that people are putting there kids to bed or trying to unwind after a long day.

People are all around me... being families.

I am being a family too, just alone.

I remember when she was so small, I would pray that she would just keep sleeping and I would get one full nights rest.

Now, I run up those same steps at the first sign of any action on the baby monitor.

Willing to break all of my old rules, just for the company of my best girl on my lap for one more minute of the day.

time and time again.

2009-09-23T22:52:00.006-04:00

Like I said the other day, I don't believe that time heals all wounds.

I feel like for the longest time I was living in a haze. Unable to see my own reality clearly.

Some of that was because of what he would say. He could never tell me that he was happy with his choice, he could never fully say that this was what he really wanted, he could never just tell me he wasn't coming home.

I hung on every word that he said, trying to carefully decipher each statement. Reading into something as small as "maybe" and something so huge as early renewing our mortgage... together, as if nothing had changed.

I wouldn't explain this to my friends and family because I thought "they don't know us"; "they would never understand"

But all along it was me that wasn't understanding.

So the question remains... what changed?

How did I get from not understanding to the place I am standing steady at today?

Well, I opened my eyes for one thing.

I began to understand that for what ever reason it was going to have to be me that made the choice for all of us.

It was me that would have to find the end to all this.

Yes, he had clearly made his choice to leave this house and start a new life with someone else, but with hope still lingering from his words to my heart... I held on tightly.

Until one day I didn't anymore.

Yes, I know the exact date.

On that day I stated something that I had not done in months... I focused on apple, on myself, on friends that needed me and on a family that loved me.

Loss is a funny thing. A friend of mine once said..."loss is loss, doesn't matter if they are gone from this world or gone from your life= they are gone, and you have to mourn"

So that is what I have done, and what I will continue to do.... mourn.

Until one day I don't.

Those were the days.

2009-09-21T09:57:00.003-04:00

I am home safe and sound, and glad to be back in my reality.

It was an amazing trip, with a lot of great opportunity's to see and do some great things.

But, there is nothing like coming home.

The last few hours of travel just about killed me.

All I could think of was getting home to my best girl and holding on to her as tight as possible.

Which I did.

For the next two days.

She got a little sick of me by day three.

Well I was there, I soaked in every detail... I ate pretzels on the street with an obscene amount of mustard and smelled the hot grossness bum who threw matches at people passing by him, I hit time square... where I thought I got pick pocketed and ran the forty minute walk back to my hotel in 13 minutes in four inch heals to find my wallet on my bed... left by there by the giant dork who assumed she would get pick pocketed in time square. (ohhh the giant dork is me)

I couldn't help but think of my previous trips to nyc... and how different life looks now.

How much I have changed in just one short year still baffles my mind on a daily basis.

But I did.

I heard over and over again that "time would heal all wounds", to me though.... that's complete and utter shit...

you can go on and on and on doing the wrong things from now and until the end of time and you will not be healed.

It's not until I started doing the right things for myself that things started to change.

What were the right things?

It's what he says so well.

2009-09-12T23:48:00.001-04:00

So some big news....

I leave for New York for a few days next week. It's a trip that I have been dreaming about for some time--- but did not think that it would become a reality, but it has and I am going to make the most out of my time there.

I am nervous and excited all at the same time.

Mostly because a guy that I dream about meeting on a daily basis says things like this about the city;
"In New York,

Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
Theres nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you"

Do I have the idea that these three days will be life changing?

Well, yes they could be... because this is yet another thing I have to fight like hell to force myself to do.

Its a push to take time away from apple take time for myself--

time to regain control--

time to sort some things out---

time to plan what's next--

time to remember what it's like to leave the house without a sippy cup, goldfish crackers,diapers,wipes,a plastic cow,tyrone from the backyardigans and aunt mel's old cell phone in my purse.

Oh, that guy I think about meeting on a daily basis?

That would be Jay Z.

If you have to ask me why then I think we might have a huge problem.

Of that I'm sure.

2009-09-06T12:00:00.004-04:00

As my beautiful girl sleeps upstairs.... I breathe easier.

Our time away from each other, although necessary is often something that can push me into a not so great place.

I fill my time wisely these days--because to me... there is a huge difference between "filling" my time-- and "killing" time.

After seeing this more clearly over the last few months.... and using my time away from apple as time for myself... I realized that I needed to start applying this theory to the rest of my life.

Instead of just rushing through days so I can get to the next one, I attempting to slow down my life and start being happy now... and not wishing ahead time so i can get to the next thing coming up.

There is too much good right now that I am missing out on.

In the next few months I have so much to be excited about and so much to look forward to... but it is on me, and me only to chose to be excited and happy about all of it.

The things we don't say.

2009-09-02T11:34:00.002-04:00

I think it is probably pretty obvious that I have been in a dark frame of mind from the last few posts I have written.

The thing is, I hide from the truth of what is inside me.

I tend to lie to myself and say that it isn't really there, and I am not really feeling what I feel.

It is a depression.

Plain and simple.

It has been brought on by a laundry list of things, some of which I write about... some of which I can't.

Depression is a difficult disease because it strikes when you are already low.... almost like a bully that kicks you when your down.

It creeps into my mind and my heart when I am alone--- and although I know I am never really alone... this disease makes me feel more isolated then ever.

I have chosen to forgo medication, because I have been down this road in life before. I didn't like who I was when I took medication-- so I am trying some other things. I am reaching out to friends and family more then ever and asking for what I need...

It is not that I don't agree with medication, it's just that for me right now it isn't an option.

I am still having great days that are filled with happiness... and excitement about moving and starting a new life at home, I am just lower then I would like some minutes or hours or days....

So.... I will work on this like I have worked on everything else.

I will push through and keep my head up.

All because of that beautiful girl who is sleeping so peacefully upstairs as I write this...

Just dismal.

2009-08-30T22:09:00.003-04:00

Another week comes and goes and although I am empty, I am full at the same time.

I struggle with the anger and resentment that now lives in my heart.

At first, I had convinced myself that this "anger" would lessen and I would start to heal from it, but right now.... It is the same.

Not because of what he did, but because of the new problems that present themselves on a regular basis.

I feel like this will never end.

I think about things like Halloween, and how it is on his weekend-- and the argument that will come when I tell him that she will be here with me.

I think about her tears when I put her in her dad's car and how I can't explain to her that she will back in twenty seven hours....

I think about the tension and arguing that happens when he is around.

These things will never go away, This is my forever.

excuse me miss.

2009-08-21T22:46:00.006-04:00

Lately, I have doubt in myself.

I am sure all of you reading this do as well.

There are days... so many of them, where I doubt my choices and most importantly I doubt my feelings.

Sometimes things seem so clear to me... almost like I can see the future.

I can see that we will be fine, I can see pure happiness in my life, I can see the life I always wanted happening for us

It's so real... It's so close.....

Then, the dark cloud of doubt sinks in.

Within minutes I can talk myself out of what I am feeling and thinking and convince myself that things will be complete and utter shit for the rest of my life.

How is this possible?

That I can feel so good some days and so "complete and utter shit" others.

I don't think I will ever know the answer.

Funny thing is, today is not one of the bad days.

I have pushed harder then ever this week.

I have made a lot of progress on things that were really hard for me to do, but i finished what I had to do, and I am on to the next step.

There is something that I have been reminding myself of a lot lately that my grandpa used to say to me;

"Never fight an ugly person, cause they got nothing to lose"

Remember, ugly isn't always on the outside.

It's called a rally for a reason.

2009-08-15T21:27:00.004-04:00

I took some time off. Almost two weeks.

I had a reason.

My real estate agent came here on monday.

He had some not so nice things to say.

Mostly that I had a great deal of work to do, and that my house might not sell for the amount I originally thought.

When he left, I sat down and cried. I was overwhelmed with the amount of work that would need to be done, and that I was alone to deal with it.

Slowly I regained composure. Slowly my phone began to ring... with calls asking how it went.

I told each one of them the story.

Very quickly before I could even second guess myself.. a plan was put into place.

Family and friends were here around the clock from that night on.

I noticed through out this week that my family and friends don't ever say,

"let me know if you need anything" they say... "i will be there wednesday at 7"

Without being asked, without being promised favors, without anything.... they were here and I finally got it.

I am not alone.

I never was.

On Wednesday, I dropped apple off at home with my parents.

When I got back to my house the sign was up. (the for sale sign)

It took me to a new place.

I was messy.

I was miserable.

I was devastated.

I was doubting everything I thought I wanted.

I talked to a friend.... one who knows that sometimes I need to be told things harshly..

the words they said calmed me down.

With that I took one of the hardest nights head on.

I sat with one of my best friends and got rid of all the things of "us" I knew were in the house... and some that I had forgotten about.

We came across an email he had written to me at the beginning of our relationship, and like any girl would do.... I read it.

His words were so real, so true, so honest.... It is easy to see now, why I ended up where I did.

He told me the things that every person on earth wants to hear, that they will never be alone, and that nothing will ever come before "us" and that he could and would never love anyone more....

But that is all they were... just his words, years ago... that i believed in.

Words that I chose to believe in.

I realize now more than ever that it is the actions a person takes that are so much more important then the words they say.

Since that night, I have made great strides.

I have still had to push myself to see the bright sides of my choices... but the great part is they are there.

The bright side to my life shines everymorning at 7am... and everytime the phone rings to hear a friendly voice ... and everytime i pull into the city i call home.

I went to a physic a few weeks back with some friends.

She told me something that I think I instinctively already knew...

"everything you need in your life is already in your there"

I get it now.

I finally do.

She's got Green eyes.

2009-08-02T20:09:00.004-04:00

I was one of those people that said that my relationship would always come before my child.

We had talked about that before apple came. That we would put each other first no matter what.

It doesn't happen that way, and news flash it shouldn't.

I believe we say these things to make ourselves think that we are invinciable as a couple, that nothing and no one can come between us.

I will tell you today and I will stand by this until the day I am gone from this world, that I put apple first. I did from day one.

For the first months of her life, I felt like she never slept.

It is so hard for me to explain what it was like in those first 6 months, but all I can tell you is I was tired.

I was always so tired.

It was broken sleep when I did get some, because I was always waiting, always worried, always aware of the cries that would shortly be coming.

She became my priority, She became what mattered.

I took on my new job full steam, never looking back.

I started a routine to get her to sleep.... and I was relentless. Some might have considered me crazy or anal, but I never cared. Like I said, I was just so tired.

The reason I am telling you this is because I have thought a lot about the why's lately.

I wonder a lot if it was this "priority" shift that I had that sent him elsewhere.

It's not that he stopped mattering, It's just that Apple mattered more.

I wanted to balance, but it was impossible at the time.

My life completely changed the day she came into it.

His did not.

He still had the time to go out on the weekends, and fly to vegas, and go to the gym at night.

It's not that he didn't "allow" me the same things, but I just wanted different things.

I wanted to get up early on Sundays with her and go for a walk, I wanted to spend Saturdays at Storybrook Gardens.... Don't let this be misleading, I love a good rip it up night... but they are just so much less important to me then they used to be.

So now, I do all those things I want and the great part is I do them with out anger or resentment.

I used to be upset that he would not want to go or be occupied with other things...

Now, it's just us.. doing things the way we want.

The other night, she wasn't sleeping well. I went up to sit with her for a bit and hold her...

I tell her the same things every night before she goes to bed.

"apple, you know we are going to be ok right?" and she'll say "yeah"

"apple, you know you are mummy's best girl right?" and she'll say "yeah"

"apple, mummy loves you" and she'll say "yeah"

this night however was different it was her that did the talking.

she took my face in her hands and said "good mama" and i said "yeah"

To begin, again.

2009-07-29T22:27:00.004-04:00

More often then not these days, I am great again.

Recently I went to an event with some friends and a woman I don't well came up to me and said "you'd never know anything was wrong with you.... you carry yourself so well"

In the moment; I thanked her and walked away.

It got me thinking.... actually for weeks it got me thinking. I actually haven't stopped thinking about this comment since the moment it was said out loud.

Many times I wanted to email her and ask " what the hell did you mean by that?"

I think there is a misconception that I am some how "less of a person" than I was a year ago.

Maybe that because I will be a 32 year old divorced single mum, I should feel the need to hide out and to be say less unwilling to share this part of my life with people.

It's not that I don't feel the shame in this, or the embarrassment..

I do still, daily.

I feel like I failed my daughter.

I feel like I failed my parents and my grandparents.

I feel this yes, still daily.

I refuse to run from this, or hide away like I did something wrong but to tell you this next part may sound like I am doing just that.

I have decided that apple and I are going to move back to the city I am from.

We are going home.

I have spent weeks, if not months making this decision.

I did not take it lightly and weighed all of the pros and cons like any good girl with ocd would.

The pros....they far out weighed the cons.

For example:

a pro being my dad will pick up dog poo in my backyard

a con being my dad will will be over everyday to pick up the dog poo

It's a new chapter

It's a new adventure

It's re learning how to drive 35 in a posted 50 with out honking and giving the finger.

come back and haunt me.

2009-07-23T13:14:00.003-04:00

I melted down last week. Worse then I would like to admit.

Her moving here.... it really started to get ahold of me. I thought I had gotten passed it, and it just stopped me dead in my tracks.

It hit Thursday night and lasted right through until Monday.

For the life of me I could not shake it. I couldn't call get a handle on myself.... and I 100% shut down.

I didn't answer the phone, I didn't call anyone, I didn't do anything.

I knew there were things that could get me out of the place I was in.

I chose not to do them.

For no other reason then I feel like my story is old--- I shouldn't care about this.

But I did... for those days nothing seemed worse to me then having her here in this city.

I figured out why I had gotten so upset originally, and from there I tried to find my way out of this mess.

You see the simple truth is...I am humiliated.

Not only did my husband have an affair for months on end, but he then proceeded to move her here---

(I know as some of you read this... you say to yourself "get over it" I can only tell you that until this happens to you, you will never ever have any idea of what this feels like---- my only advice to you, is if you don't like what you read, then please just stop reading)

On Tuesday of this week a reader made a comment on my blog that changed my humiliation into the most positive boost of energy I could have asked for. (thanks so much for the comment)

There were also a few great people who gave me the kick in the ass i needed to snap out of it.

Someone pretty smart said to me that "as long as your just taking side steps and not going backwards your going a good job"

So i'm back to this new normal place, where life looks good and I feel a lot like a girl i used to know, I just got stuck on a side step.

Not sort of like one, It was one.

2009-07-14T22:26:00.003-04:00

Apple is getting another four teeth.

In a way I am grateful... she only has 6 and that is strange for a 17month old.

I had already made her a dentist apt to figure out if she was missing some of them.

Apple goes haywire when she gets teeth. She doesn't eat well, or nap well, most of the time she is up screaming in the middle of the night ... and gets up ridiculously early.

All and all its a nightmare.

To lighten the mood on Monday, I took her to the splash pad close to out house.

The first fifteen minutes were great, she was happy... I was happy. I even half ass attempted to talk to some of the other mothers that were there. Big step as normally, I just stand there with that deer caught in the headlights look.

I noticed one of them, the one with the biggest diamond i have ever seen checking my hand for my ring.

I adjusted my hand behind my back like I always do, but the shameful look on my face probably gives her the answer she was looking for.

Then the unthinkable happened.

A young boy stood on the water cannon that Apple wanted to. He was 7 or 8 and heavy set.

She attempted to push him away... but he was having none of it. He stood his ground and would not move. (at this point I am looking around at these other mothers thinking -- which ever one of you owns that one, go the hell over there and get him off that water cannon)

None of them moved.

At this point Apple dropped down on all fours and proceeded to scream. Not just the "mum i really want a freezie scream" the kind of scream that tells you she is getting four teeth and she wants to hurt this little boy.

I ran over to get her up and show her the other 75 water cannons going off... (and maybe kick this little boy) and as I bend down to pick her up something very horrific happens in a very short amount of time.

The water cannon from underneath me starts to go off.

I am paralyzed because within seconds water is shooting at a very powerful rate of speed up my shorts, through my underwear and yes up my ass.

It was not good.

In fact was so not good that I scream " What the Fu$k!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs.

(This is something Apple has heard several times believe me, I am in the process of teaching her earmuffs)

Now.... I see some movement from the other mothers.

Running to shield the children's ears from the profanity filled single mother at the splash pad who just got an enema.

I need to stop with the google search.

2009-07-08T22:43:00.004-04:00

Apple's new thing is freezies. She loves them. She would eat an entire bag of them if i would let her. Which I don't. Ok, sometimes I go overboard... but not all the time.

Apple can't say freezie, instead of learning the word she goes up to the freezer and hammers her little fists against said freezer in a fit of rage.

Its actually really funny.

So a few days ago, I gave her my favorite flavor of freezie - white (due to its stainless feature)

after dinner while she was still in her high chair.

I used this opportunity to get the kitchen cleaned up from dinner and to eat my own dinner.

After about 5 minutes of being a neglectful parent, I noticed that Apple was being a bit rammy in her chair... more rammy and cranky then a child should be when they have a freezie.

So, I checked and the freezie was gone. Not just the white frozen part but the entire plastic part. I looked everywhere for the freezie wrapper, took off clothes, searched diaper, scoured the floor,rechecked the diaper, the highchair.... you get the point.

It was at this point I have convinced myself that Apple has eaten the plastic part in some sort of freezie feeding frenzy.

Quickly I google search "eating the plastic part to a freezie" then i realize i don't know the proper way to spell freezie (as you all probably noticed at the beginning of this blog)

So I change it to "eating plastic"---- bottom line-- not good.

So I get her up and put on fresh clothes and debate how I am going to call my parents to meet us at the hospital due to a freak freezie accident, and how my dad is going to scream at me.

Then by the grace of god, something catches my eye.... It's a very shinny spot on my dogs back...Well not shinny per say, but more like the way it looks when you don't rinse the shampoo out of your hair.

With a closer inspection, It is the freezie... both the white part and the plastic part... Which has dried in minutes and has attached itself to his fur.

As a negligent parent I also did not notice him spinning in circles trying to get the dame thing off his back.

And that is the story of the freezie and the dog fur.

Viva La Hova helped too.

2009-07-06T20:50:00.006-04:00

Good with the bad this week, a lot has happened.

I never know how to start or what to say with some of this stuff.

So... here it goes.

She is moving here. (I actually have some doubt about the "is" part and I sort of think she already has been)

How do I feel about it?

Well...day one was hard. I was messy. I had a hard time figuring out why I was so upset ..If you don't want to be with someone anymore then why does it matter?

I spent a lot of the day thinking about this and came to some pretty amazing conclusions.

Bottom line , I am not ready to have her around my daughter. I am not yet at a place where I can be "OK" with them meeting or being around each other.

So how when I do not trust him, do I trust the fact that he won't betray me again?

I don't know the answer to this yet... but I am working on it.

Secondly, I don't feel ready to see her. Here is why....

I want to be in a place where I do not yell or scream or swear at her. I want to be the girl I know I am. I want to be the bigger person.

Right now I am not that person.

I am angry with her, for all the reasons that you can already imagine and some you could probably never understand.

I spent the day and night coming to terms with how I felt and why.

To be honest it was a relief not be crying over the loss of him.

I reached out to a friend late that night, and they said something that I will never ever forget:

"why fear seeing the two of them holding hands walking around the city?

just remember who's hand you'll be holding"

It's funny... So many people told me that it would never work between them...

Let's be honest, I can't name one person that didn't say that to me.

But I knew in my heart since he walked out the door that he would do everything in his power to make it work with her... and it has.

Good for them? Well... sort of.

I am glad that I get this opportunity to change the course of my life.

Looking back we were on his course, not mine-

Now- I am making choices for Apple and I on a daily basis that make us happy and safe.

I am in control again, and it feels good.

Just as an FYI,

Day two was awesome... I saw a lot of my favorite people and had a blast.

Day three was great enjoyed a girls day with apple.

Day four... even better.....

I'm getting better at this aren't I?

Got a funny blog tomorrow for you all about freezes and dog fur.

when the night comes.

2009-06-28T15:20:00.004-04:00

My hardest part of a day is after 8 when apple is in bed. It is unavoidable.

There is something about the silence in this house that makes me crazy. The loneliness is something that I have still not come to terms with.

This weekend was unavoidable as well. Apple's dad had asked to take her for some extra time... normally he takes her on Saturday mornings until Sundays at noon. (every other weekend)

He picked her up on Friday morning... and she arrives shortly after dinner tonight.

This is the longest that I have been separated from her. This is the longest period of time I have gone with out seeing her beautiful face, and hearing her laugh.

I have come to terms with the facts.

The reality is that I need a break. The second part of the of this reality is that this is what my life looks like now. I have to get used to this.

I attempt to busy myself with time with friends and family, and with projects and work... but it never really feels the same with out her.

I am constantly feeling like someone cut my arm off.

Let's just say I am a work in progress.

The great thing that I did this weekend was steam cleaning the carpets.

Yes, I said that.

Apple had quite a barfy night last Sunday... and i had cleaned the carpets.. but lets just say that I did not realize how disgusting the carpets had actually become until i saw the difference between the barf spot that I cleaned up and the rest of the carpet.

So because I am stubborn and refuse to ask for help, I ended up lifting a 700lb couch on my own...Not the smartest idea today as I can barely feel my arms, and every time I attempt to sit down my legs scream in pain. (yes that includes when I have to go to the bathroom.... so i have cut myself off liquids for the rest of the day in an effort to reduce the sitting)

But I got it done on my own.... which again, is a little victory for me.

Apple will be back in my arms in about in an hour.

Another little(big) victory.

goodbye for you and i.

2009-06-18T19:15:00.005-04:00

To You,

I often wonder how you remember me.

I wonder if it is the begining the middle or the end. Or a cross all three.

The begining is a story I thought we would tell our daughter, and her children and they would laugh and laugh about how you got so sick the first time you ever stayed over.

I remember so much about that period. I thought we would tell them all about how I was the only girl that ever made you laugh. Do you remember when you told me that?

We were at my apartment before you moved in, and we couldn't stop laughing, and you looked at me and told me that you loved me for the first time.

It meant everything then.

The middle was filled with love to, our first house, our engagement, planning our wedding. It is a time in my life when i felt the most safe. I always felt that it was you and I against the world.

I remember you did too. There was so much ahead of us then... we took it all head on, together laughing the whole time.

When our daughter was born I felt as though we were finally complete, I felt as though this was "it"... for the rest of our lives there would be the three of us.

But six short months after she was born you were so far gone that I knew that you were never coming back. Not the you that I knew.

This part, this was our end.

The last year is the part I wish that I could forget, the part that I wish you could forget too.

I don't want you to remember me the way I was then.

I was not me.

I was so lost, and so alone. I would have done anything to get you to come back to us.

I thought it was the only way I could survive.

It was almost like I forgot how to breathe if you were not standing by my side.

There are somethings that I want to forget, but there are other things that push me to survive. They remind me why I am better off now.

You left me.

You left our daughter.

You left me laying on the floor of our home, with our daughter crawling on the floor behind me.

You left me for my friends to find me hours later laying there , incoherent, barely able to breathe, and unable to care for our child.

You left me... that same girl that made you laugh, that same girl who you made your lunches and got your towel for you when you showered..... like that.

Like I was nothing.

I will never forgive you for that.

You have told me that I deserved better.

You are right. I did. So did you.

We all did.

I know now, more than ever you think you did the right thing for you.

I can tell you now that it was the right thing for me too.

I am ok now.

We both are.

My hope for you is that you find some sort of peace in your life, that you find the strength to do the right things, and that most of all you find what ever it is you were looking for.

I do, truly hope you are happy.

It happened.

2009-06-15T21:08:00.004-04:00

It's a process.

I tell myself that every minute of every day.

It's a process.

Things change, people change, feelings and emotions change.

I have changed.

I am not the same person I was a few months ago, or a few years ago.

This whole thing has changed me.

Not everything. But a lot of really important things.

I remember that I was always nervous, I was anxious all the time at one point I took medication for it.

I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always waiting for "it" to happen.

Well, "it" did.

It happened, and I lived through it.

I am no longer nervous, I am no longer scared....I'm not actually just letting each day pass me by. I am living it--happily living it.

I look back at the last few months and realize that my path here was riddeled in mistakes and bull shit. I have some regrets, but most of all I am looking at everything I did as a way to get where I am today. I am proud of apple and I.

I feel like we are rounding this corner... and all I can see ahead is the good stuff.

Today is my birthday, and I am 32 years old. If I am realisitic about this--- I have had the best year of my life.

I gave birth to my daughter, who I love more than anything in this world.

I found a career, that I am so excited about and love-- and that I am good at.

I got closer to my family.

I got closer to old friends.

I got closer to new friends.

I lived through hell, and came out the other side smiling.

Who gets this lucky in life?

I know I didn't get here alone.

So Thank You, for your love, your calls, your strength and your patience.

I owe a lot of you more than you will ever know.

I will be posting a pretty tough blog in the next few days that I have been working on for 2 months and 15 days.

When you read it, Please remember todays blog.

what a weekend.

2009-06-07T20:27:00.002-04:00

Just winding down from an amazing weekend.

Apple was left with my parents here at my house and i broke free for 2 straight days of fun with my girlfriends from high school for a wedding

Using the word girlfriends is totally inaccurate to describe them actually, they are my best friends---- 15 years of ups and downs.... we have seen it all together, one of them even married my brother... Also in attendance were some new friends that I have met over the last month or so making the weekend even better.

The entire weekend was filled with those laughing fits where you start crying because it hurts so much, and with dancing... a whole lot of dancing.

It was great to let go and enjoy myself with people that with one look at me know exactly what i am thinking.

I gave a speech at the wedding... which went over well, and the minute i sat down, two things came to mind--

I did this, I came to this wedding very happily with no thought of "how am i going to get through this?"or "i can't do this alone"

Secondly it came to me that I was so happy for my friend, I was so overwhelmed looking at the two of them sitting up at the front of the room... just beaming at each other. It made me remember that love is still out there.

Love didn't die the day he walked out the door.

I can tell you that this was one of those things in my life i will look back on and always remember as something that brought me one step closer to being whole again.

stupid or not stupid socks.

2009-06-03T21:52:00.003-04:00

I used to like coming home to tell him about the deal I had got, or the crazy thing that happened to me while I was out. I miss having someone here when I walk in the door.

I know that I have someone(the most important little someone in the world), but since apples conversations with me consist of the words dog, cat, kitty, hi, bye, potty,no, done and mama.... she doesn't really get it.

It's these small but huge things that upset me.

Today I bought apple some Canada Day socks, and I realized as I pulled in the driveway that I had no one to tell.

It is a totally unimportant thing, that in the grand scheme of things... should never matter.

Who gives a shit about Canada Day socks?

Well, I guess I do.

To level out.

2009-06-01T23:06:00.003-04:00

Sorry, It has been awhile.

No excuses.... just had a lot on the go. Good and Bad. But both important.

Apple is thriving right now. She is getting to be such a big girl. Her words are coming along nicely, and she had her first poop on the potty. (yes i know that is totally gross... but come on, she is doing so well)

We have been doing a lot of activities during our days, and I can see a real change in her lately. She is really starting to understand things on a whole new level. She asks me for things now... like uce? uce? which is juice. It is pretty awesome to be able to still be at home with her. I feel so lucky for that.

We have a great thing going the two of us. It's like the song says...."everything she knows i taught her"

As for me.... well I have procrastinated on the blog for a bit because I was unsure what I should and shouldn't say. I then had a lightbulb moment.

This is my blog.

This is where I write to sort stuff out and try to come to terms with all this.

This is where my family and friends check in on me... so i do not receive the dreaded..."how are you doing today? no really, though... how are you..." phone call.

This is where I go to see my progress in the last 6 months.

This blog is me.

The last 30 days have been filled with great things for me.

I have put my thoughts into action and have opened my own small business.

After taking my photography course-- and realizing that it was something that I loved.... I have decided to do it professionally. So far It has gone really well. I still have a long way to go, but I am highly dedicated to making this work.... for myself and for apple.

It is not something I ever would have thought of doing, but now I could not imagine doing anything else.

It is a great feeling to realize your potential and actually move forward with it.

Dougie will be so proud.

Emotionally I have had a lot of highs and lows in the last week.

It's 100% something that I am working on. To level out, and see if I can make the bad times shorter and get on some sort of even keel.

It's hard, but I have found an amazing amount of support in the strangest places.

Still some how.

2009-05-25T23:23:00.003-04:00

I wish that I could draw a line in my life, a line that would divide the past from the future. A line that would make all of the messy stuff stay in the past and away from my thoughts.

I am learning though that no such line exists.

This is a very complicated process. It changes and evolves with each day, and because of that you must change and evolve with it.

It is more then just him, apple and I. It is a huge circle of family and friends that have been effected by this. At this point, you watch these relationships evolve and change as well....

but we all move forward knowing that you can only do what works for each day-- and even then it might not ever be the same.

I live with the words of my father in my head at all times. He has always said the following....

"there is a certain amount of shit in life you will have to eat.... but it doesn't mean you can't walk around the corner and spit it out"

Remember that....it can take you a long way.

When it hits to close to home.

2009-05-20T23:04:00.004-04:00

I don't think any of us out there are ever prepared for those dreaded phone calls from a friend tell us bad news.
I got a call on Monday from one of my favorite people on the planet. He has been a friend for a long time, someone that has always brought a smile to my face.
He has remained friends with both fh and I, through out all this-- he made it clear to me in the very beginning that although he did not agree with what fh had done, he would remain a friend.... because friends are with us through the bad and the good.
I respected him for doing that, and still do today.

This is a guy who has a job that takes him on the road a lot, But he still manages to call me weekly, if not twice weekly ... to make me laugh, or to help me through a bad day.... most of all he calls to check on apple and I and make sure we are ok.

His phone call was heart breaking. He is now in a situation similar to mine.
I watched my knuckles turn white when he told me, I felt the blood rush from my head, and had to sit myself down to take it all in.

When we hung up, I sobbed for him.
Knowing the pain and heartache he feels, knowing that things like this should not happen to people like us.
Knowing what it feels like to be told in that very simple way "I'm sorry I did not mean for this to happen, It just did.... You don't understand... I'm sorry"
Knowing every thought that races through your mind in the months to come are enough to make anyone crazy.
Knowing that you could ask 1000 questions, and you will never ever get the answer that you want.
Knowing that coming back from something like this can seem impossible.

Tonight when I said to him " I wonder why the good people get left behind?"
He replied.."Well if all the good people are getting left behind... I guess that means all the douche bags are up ahead-- and that's a good thing"

Something tells me he is going to be just fine.

better days.

2009-05-18T16:23:00.004-04:00

Love looks a lot different then it used to.

It is no longer a word that I throw around easily. It is an emotion that I feel on a daily basis from the most unexpected places.
I'll explain....
A few weeks ago at a close friends birthday party, I watched as couple after couple trailed into the restaurant. I immediately knew I was going to be the lonely rider at the end of the table... I excused myself and went to the washroom, and when I came back... my friends had moved things around so i would be surrounded by others. not alone at the end of the table.
that is love.
On mothers day my neighbour friend stoped by with a gift a hug, and some amazing words of encouragement for me.
that is love.
One of my guy friends stoped by on saturday morning at 745am, with a coffee and a donut.
that is love.
The phone calls I get from my friends, not to ask "how's it going" but to tell me to "keep going"
that is love.

The way my daughter calls for me in the morning, and gives me the biggest smile in the world.
that is love.

This love is what keeps my head up. I at times feel like I am draining all of you that read this, because i know how hard it must be to know that I am still struggling....
But I still need to do this to get better.

I get angry a lot now, thinking of how he could be doing this differently or "better" in my eyes.
I have come to the conclusion that this is the best he can do at this point in his life.
To be totally honest with you, It is not good enough for me-- and that is ok. I expect the best when it comes to apple... actually I expect better then the best, I expect perfection. She deserves that.
I can't tell you how disappointed I am today, that he didn't take the extra time with apple this weekend. He should have, and that is all I can say. Nothing in this world should come before apple... nothing, and no one.
Tell me how this is going to get easier... when I feel like I am constantly going to be cleaning up his mess.

I'm getting to it...from l and oboy (you wouldn't get it)

2009-05-13T21:08:00.003-04:00

There are so many great stories that I think about, that only he knows about. Cool stuff that happened, funny stuff, sad stuff... all of our memories over the last eight years... are just that only memories.
It's hard to look over the last years of your life and have them wiped out. There's not anyone here at night to say "remember when...." to.
No one wants to hear about those stories from me right now, it is to painful for them to hear about the past... as if never talking about it will delete it all from my life.

At this point I do not know what is worse, not remembering or remembering.
It is pretty easy to sit back and sugar coat my life, and to push all of the bad memories out.... believe me, I've done a lot of that.
Lately though, I have tried to remember that bad stuff too. I am still working on talking about the last day he lived here. I am working on it very slowly. My therapist tells me that once I get past the "recall" part... Remembering the rest and being able to piece together the time line will be easier.
Its not that I do not remember per say, Its more that I have blocked it all out from my mind because it is to hard to come to terms with.

oh, and he had a mustache.

2009-05-11T22:54:00.004-04:00

Today was amazing for me. Well the last few days have been unbelievable.. but today was the best day i have had in a long time.
Not only is apple back to her old self... 3 hour afternoon naps, and waking up at 730... (any parents dream) but i am having some unbelievable progress with my life.

Today I went back to 2 different doctors appointments. Both for my heart. (In different ways)
First one went great. I am back on track from a physical standpoint in almost all the ways I need to be. I am keeping weight on, I am sleeping more... I am physically starting to heal from the damage I did to my body over the last few months.
The second one was even more rewarding. I went back to see the physiologist that I was originally sent to back in January. I have only met this man 3 times. I go to my councillor on a now bi weekly basis... But this guy is the real deal. My doctor refereed me to him for a clinical diagnosis.
He told me then that I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.
I didn't tell anyone this at the time, because of the shame and embarrassment of it. I kept thinking that if I didn't say it out loud it wasn't true.
But it was.
I am not afraid to say it now though. I am not ashamed of this... any of this, anymore. I am so proud of myself.
At the worst times in this, it was more horrifying then i can ever tell you. I honestly don't know how I came out on the other side alive. I was lost, so lost.

The good news for me is that he has seen great progress in me...He's not the only one. But he is the one with all the diplomas on the wall ,the round glasses and the accent.

We talked about a lot. Mostly how to keep going. How to keep this moving in the right direction.
How to reclaim my own life, not just for me but for my beautiful little girl.

Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I've lost.

2009-05-05T22:35:00.003-04:00

Apple is on the mend!! We went to the doctors today, and after a "screaming" check up we discovered she had some sort of viral thing and an ear infection. We loaded up on drugs and came home with smiles on our faces knowing this new rage filled apple would be gone soon.

I am also on the mend. I feel it everyday. Sometimes in big waves, other times in little ripples. During the last few days I have been thinking a lot something, and i think i am ready to put it into words that make sense now.
When you start to heal from something like this, I have noticed there are days that I don't want to heal. I don't want to let the pain go, and I could never figure out why.
Until now.
It's because it is the last piece i still have of him, It is the last thing that connects me to him on any level other then him being the father of our daughter.
I think that is why a lot of people in my situation become so bitter and jaded. They are afraid that if they let go of the pain and the anger they no longer have anything that connects them to there old life... or to the person that left them behind.
I do not expect the pain to just go away one day, but i feel it less and less each day.
There are still days (many many days) I sit here and cry all night. I cry for what we were and what we could have been, but there are so many more days now, that I go to bed with a smile on my face and I wake up excited about the day ahead.

I am still really angry, my doctor and my therapist tell me that is where i need to be right now and i agree. It takes a certain amount of anger to get through this stuff.
But i don't want to be this way in 10 years, or 5 years.
I know i am not even close to being ready to talk about forgiveness.... But for me healing does not have to go hand in hand with forgiveness.

I am choosing today to not let this be what defines me.
I don't want him walking out on us to be the first thing that comes to mind when my name is said in someones casual conversation.

What i do want to define me is how i recovered from this, and what happens in the years to come. What I did to make sure apple and i have the best life we could.

I want apple to look at me and know with out any doubt that her mum did the best she could, I want her to be proud of me, I want her to understand what it took for us to get through this.
I want her to know that I fought for my family, I fought for her. I fought for what I thought was right.... but in the end I gave up to give us something even better than I ever could have imagined.

waiting games.

2009-05-04T22:12:00.003-04:00

It has been a bad few days... apple is very under the weather.
As I have said this before, these are the days that send me over the edge of dealing with being alone.
She has been sick since Saturday, and let me tell you it is a lot to deal with.
Yesterday she cried for 2 hours straight. No break just screaming...

He did come over today to help... and it did.

But tonight like every other night recently I am alone, waiting to see if she is going to wake up or not.
I have had a lot of good days and things happening recently and I feel like days like this bring me down again.
I will write my real blog tomorrow to keep you all up to date on the good stuff.
Apples doctors apt. is tomorrow at 3, wish us luck.

good days and bad days

2009-04-29T22:37:00.002-04:00

I feel so many different emotions everyday. I can't remember if I did that before all this.
That's the strange thing about something like this happening to you, you can actually start to forget what you were like before.

One of my guy friends who has been going through something similar lately asked me the other day..."do you ever think that we will love the same again"
My answer right now is no.
I don't think what i got was worth all this.

To clarify... apple is worth it,apple is worth every ounce of pain i have and I would never ever change that.

But i guess what I am saying is that the last eight years of my life were not worth the pain that I have been in for the last 10 months of my life.
So it's a question of risk vs. reward in my mind.
Can I ever really risk giving myself to someone 100% if this is what can happen.

With that said, I have had a lot of good days recently.
I catch myself waking up happy, and going to bed with a smile on my face.
It's a great feeling.

Some other math came to me today that shocked me. In August he will have been gone from Apple's life.. for half her life. In August that beautiful little girl will be 19 months old. He left when she was just 9 and a half months.
That's a hard thing to write, just as I am sure it's a hard thing to read.

Now, I have gotten a few questions about the blog lately that I thought I should address here...

1. Did I send her the letter? and Who in the hell was on the blog from Henderson, Nevada(you can guess why people might wonder why)

--No I didn't send her the letter.. I am working that out in my head. I feel like at this point, It won't matter. She does not have children of her own, or was not married so I do not think she will understand what she has done at this point in her life. But it's up in the air.
--- Let me tell you I was just as surprised as all of you, I have no clue. (If you don't know what i am talking about-- there is a widget on the side that tells you who is on the blog and where they are from)
I have asked the people that might have a clue of how to send this blog to her, they said it was not them.
But.. yes it may have been her on here..To which I say... Welcome, and really nothing else.

2. What's with all The Band music.

--If you have to ask, then we have a problem. The Band is my favorite band of all time.. and in an effort to get back to me I have been listening to them a lot.

3. Does fh know about this and why do you call him that?

--i think i said it back in the first post that I call him fh, for former husband. I was told not to use his name to protect myself.
--he knows there is a blog, but to the best of my knowledge he does not know where or how to find it.... but if I'm wrong about that to... Then Welcome to you too.... don't know how you've been able to read this and not cry yourself to sleep each night.

Stage Fright.

2009-04-27T13:20:00.005-04:00

I have been struggling a lot with this post.
I have so much to say, but so much I am not ready to say out loud yet.

All I can tell you is that it is amazing to see how much your life can change in hours.

I am getting ready to do something I never would have thought possible. But with the help of my friends and my family, I am going to go ahead with something that will be life changing.

I notice that with all of my nervousness, and all my fears, I am no longer afraid to fail.

Listen to the song stage fright. (in the side player)

andre the giant.

2009-04-24T12:44:00.005-04:00

This week has probably been one of the most draining in recent memory.
I have a lot of problems with apple's dad, and I have had a alot of stress in other areas in my life as well. Like I have said before 5 steps forward 3 steps back.
A good friend said to me the other day.."it will be great when you can get to a place when his choices and decisions don't affect you at all"
That statement is 100% correct.

You see, although waking up those few sundays ago and realizing that I did not want him to come home... I am still tied to this man for the rest of my life.
His choices and His actions continually affect us... emotionally and financially.

That alone is hard to deal with, but now add in the following.
I disliked what I did for a living before I had apple, and to be honest I had very little intention of ever going back. This was something that we both knew and we were both comfortable with.
I wanted to be a stay at home mum to apple.
That may not seem like your dream job, but it was mine.
It is now no longer a possibility. I have faced that, but here is the problem. How do i go back to a job i cant stand for 40hours a week and not resent him for that to?

To be clear, he does not want me to go back to work. He is not forcing the issue but i feel like i need some sort of financial security, for myself and apple-- to protect us.
I have lost so much in this process, and i am afraid to lose.

I feel like you get over one thing, and life slaps you in the face with the next.
I am not this girl, I never wanted to be a divorced single mum at 31. Who would?

Now...If this does not put a smile on your face I dont know what will.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that we went to a birthday party for our little friend V who lives on my street. She was turning 1.
The following is what I didnt tell you.
We arrived at the party about 25 minute late, so it was in full swing when we got there. I set apple down and let her run wild with the other kids...
I focused on talking to v's mum and dad and saying hi to the rest of the people i knew at the party.
When i turned back around to see how apple was doing, I noticed something very strange and something very scary. Apple was at least a full head taller then all the other babies. Seriously, a full head. I casually walked over to the kids and their mums and started asking "ohhh how old is he/she" Most responses scared the crap out of me..."18 months, 16 months, two years.."
All i could think is why in the hell is my baby so big? what in the hell is wrong with her? and where in the hell is the closest computer so i can google search the following:
"how do i know if my baby has the andre the giant disease"

what happened next was even more disturbing--- apple started stomping(yes i am not kidding... stomping) around the room ripping toys out of the other kids hands... and since she towered over all of them, they let her have them. Not to worry, I ran around behind her and made her give them all back.

So in my mind at that moment, apple was going to be the next andre the giant. I was imagining her career as a wrestler in my mind. It scared the shit out of me.

We seized, well... I seized the first opportunity I could to get out of there. Apple was exhausted from all of the stomping around the room so i put her right up to bed.
I ran down the stairs and started researching about apples new found ailment.
I was able to find "andre's" measurements as a young child online. So like any sane person I searched the house for a measuring tape, as luck would have it all i could find was the one from the garage.... you know the metal kind.

I ran back upstairs, and very quietly started to measure my sleeping child with the loudest metal tape measure ever. Carefully measuring and remeasuring her limbs and head.
Turns out, she is pretty normal.
I now think it's me that might have some sort of problem.

my mini me.

2009-04-22T22:28:00.004-04:00

Tonight i am highly frustrated, but i am not going to get into detail. I will later this week.
I just wanted to write a bit about my beautiful girl.
Everyday she shocks me with something new. Today it was her ability to drag a chair over to the ottoman we use as a coffee table then use the chair as leverage to get up on to the ottoman and scream at me. Most of you reading this are probably thinking one thing... "she is just like her mother"
yes she is.
When she was born, she looked so much like her dad. Everyone would go on and on about it to me. There was a small part of me that was jealous, because i assumed i was going to have blue eyed, blond haired-mini me.
As each day passes i realize more and more now that she is just like me.
We are chatty, loud, short fused, silly, emotional, man voiced girls.

After all is said and done, this is by far the hardest thing i have ever had to do..... I hurt a lot, but at the end of the day, I always have my mini me.

the letter.

2009-04-19T21:51:00.004-04:00

This is something I had to do, not something I wanted to do. It may or may not be sent. But it's here and that is a start.

To The Other Woman,

I remember the moment I first found out about you, I had just finished feeding our daughter. I came across some sent messages from you in his hotmail account, they were replies from facebook messages he had sent you. This all happened very innocently on my part, as his hotmail had been left open. I read each message carefully... so that I could be sure what I was reading. All of these messages were easily explained by him, and it was brushed off in a very matter of fact way, that you were someone he met while in lasvegas.... someone who didn't matter, someone who wanted to be with a friend of his, someone who he felt sorry for.

One message is never far from my thoughts. You asked him if and i quote "was it all worth it? getting married? having a baby?"

To this day, I still imagine his response. I was unable to see it, but at the time I assume his answer was Yes.

Our life at the time was concentrated on one thing, our beautiful little girl, our days and nights revolved around her. What I loved about him most then was his utter and complete devotion to her and I. Nothing was more important then us. However inconsequential each fever or heat rash or update was on our daughter... he wanted to be there with us doing it all. He was an amazing example of a new doting dad.
He has made a horrific decision to give up on our lives together, the life that I know is worth all of the effort in the world. Please believe me when I tell you that I do blame him. I blame him for getting caught up in this. What we had was together was amazing, and i will never truly understand how anyone could ever walk away from "our" relationship, and from our eight month old daughter with out putting up some sort of fight.

With that said, You are also to blame. You knew about us. You asked about us originally, if we were worth it.
You saw my pictures of my daughter and I constantly being added to facebook, like I said... You knew about us.
What I blame you for is putting your feelings above the family the three of us created. Your complete disregard for myself and my daughter.
You will only understand this pain if it happens to you, and even though you have done this to me, i would not wish this on my worst enemy. The hurt and sadness that you have created for myself, my daughter, our families, and our friends is overwhelming on the best of days.

What he and I have to that you could not understand and You never will because you will never have a child as wonderful as ours. You will not have the opportunity to see my child. You will not be having any kind of relationship with her. This is the consequence of your actions-when you destroyed the only family that she ever knew.
I often wonder how you sleep at night, knowing that my daughter that sweet beautiful girl is now with out a father.
She is the one piece of him that you will never have, and that is unfortunate for you because she is the best part.

no sleep tonight....

2009-04-16T22:14:00.002-04:00

Today hasn't been a great day. I feel like I am fighting an unfightable fight that I dont want to be a part of any more.
Every part of has given up, and now--- i am just scared and tired of the uncertainty that life presents me with at every turn.
Just when i think i have done something right or i am on the right track with something--- i feel like i get dragged back down into this mess.

I am at a loss for what he wants or expects from me... or anyone else for that matter.
Whats difficult for me is that I cant help him anymore. I can't fix the things I so naturally want to.
Its hard, to take that piece out of your relationship and just try to be two people that share a child and nothing more.

I am scared tonight for the first time in a long time, like things aren't going to be ok.

Alot of talk of pee in this one.

2009-04-14T21:53:00.002-04:00

Big day for apple today.
She actually pointed at the potty... I put her on and she peed. It was all very exciting.
But is inconsistent as later on this afternoon she pointed at it and after 10minutes of sitting with her pants around her ankles and her diaper off only to have her jump off every two seconds to retrieve objects to put in the potty...
She then ran as fast as she could away from me with her diaper off and pants still around ankles.. as you can guess this ended with a face plant and some tears.
During nap time I watched some PVR'd episodes of Oprah... What I watched made my day.
The episode was about amazing fathers.
One of the dads was matt...http://www.mattlogelin.com/ I read the entire blog today, and it truly made today so much better. He has done such an amazing job raising his daughter on his own. I am inspired by him.

It made me remember that there are good people out there that i have not yet met, and that its ok to be having crap days, and be sad--- but to most of all admit it.
I think i tend to sugar coat things at times, and give the "im fine... no really im fine" alot.
I need to stop that. If i am going to get better, then i am going to have to get better at being honest about that. so be prepared.

I had a request from friend the other day to tell you a short story about an incident that occurred in florida when apple and i went on vacation with my parents.
Its a typical me story... shit like this just does not happen to other people.... so here it goes

My parents took apple down to the pool on morning and I was waiting for the maintenance dudes to come and fix the coffee maker, Just as i was exiting the shower i heard the knock on the door... so i found the first thing i could to put on ... my two peice bathing suit..i didnt go in the towel because the towel i was using was the size of a sock.
so i run to the door and talk to the dude.. he asks a few simple questions about the problem with the coffee maker and i explain we only need the carafe part, so he says "ohh ill be right back with one, can you grab me the old one?"
so i turn around, and as my arm comes up i feel something strange, what is it you ask? well its my boob fully exposed from the bottom of my bathing suit. let me tell you.... I later re-inacted this to see just how horrifying it must have looked in the mirror and it was no good, actually it was like an add for baby formula... "why not to breast feed"
i screamed.. yes screamed because im 11.... and i yelled at him "immm soooo sorry".... he scooted back in with the coffee carafe and i abruptly grabbed it and he asked me some question about heading to the pool... which i did not answer i just shut the door quickly and sat immediately down on the floor with the reddest face on the planet....
it is also red as i type this...
but most of my friends that are mums that are reading this are probably peeing in their pants due to weak blatters, so that makes it worth it.

Just For Today

2009-04-12T20:00:00.003-04:00

So, Easter comes to an end.... it was a beautiful day here and apple and i took advantage of it in every way. We had such a great day, she was super excited about all of her gifts and went crazy over her new thomas the train set. After a big chocolate chip pancake breakfast we had an egg hunt in the backyard then headed to home to my parents late afternoon and had a great dinner.

But.... with all great days there is the possibility of a little rain. There was today, a small bit of rain for us. As i had told you before apple threw my phone in the toilet. My cell phone is how fh usually communicates with me when he is away... through text.
I did think that he would call my home phone to talk to her today, being that it was Easter. I thought at some point he would call just to hear her voice.... but he didnt.
To be honest I am ok with it.... I truly am. I have come to the place where i believe that it is no longer necessary to communicate with him about apple everyday.
I feel that he gave up the right to have that kind of communication when he left.
This isnt just something i have dreamt up, it is something that my councillor has been pushing me towards for weeks.
It does not help me to have to "answer" him on a daily basis about apple.
I got a book last week that i started to write in... about change in schedules or less milk at second bottle etc.... and i am going to start to give it to him both nights of the week he takes her and every other weekend.
Then he will have a clear picture of what is happening on a day to day basis.

What makes me sad about the situation is that he does not take the time or have the guts or the want to call her on Easter to hear her little voice. She 100% knows his voice. She knows when its him. Bottom line it disappoints me even further.

I received the following in a forward from a friend.
Today.... it was exactly what i needed.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play..

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and turn off the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms , and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer.
It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more day.............

Happy Easter.

2009-04-10T22:29:00.001-04:00

since i wrote my last post i have done alot of thinking. that is generally why i take days off in between... because i have to much on my mind, or i just cant get the thoughts clear enough to write down.
my councillor tells me alot that i need to go back to the day he left. i need to start talking about it and dealing with it. its not something i have even dealt yet. its actually pretty hard to remember that whole two week period.
but that's next weeks issue.
this week i have been focusing on whats going to happen next. if this were a book... now is where the man would come in. we would meet in a cute way, and i would think nothing of it... only to find him on my door step hours later with all of my favorite snacks. (im a snack girl, what can i say)
here is the problem with that.
i cant let anyone save me anymore. i really need to start saving myself. i am a bit ashamed to admit this, but i have always let the men in my life fix things for me. well actually not things, i have always let them fix me.
i have always had problems dealing with my own issues, i hide them alot, i tend not to talk about them... they fester then come out when i least expect them to.
but with this... for the first time ever i have taken it head on... just me.
yes, i have the love and support of my family and friends behind me but at the end of the day its just me here.
its me who is getting through this.
so the man with the snacks will have to wait. but fixing me doesn't have to.

its easter weekend, and this is actually apples second easter... but last year she actually fit into her easter basket.
this year will be a little different. we had a dry run this afternoon with hiding some eggs around the living room. she actually ran around and scooped them up and put them in her shopping cart, then hammered her shopping cart into the cat which spooked the dog and all hell broke loose.
another very special event that occurred this morning... which i need to mention was apple throwing my cellphone in the toilet.
this is mostly my fault because i let her rip around my room today while i had a shower.... who knew she was aware of the toilet seat going up and down? hmmmmm i guess i should have been considering i have had her on a potty everyday for the last week. (its worked four times so far)
so i am without a cell phone for a bit... but its been a very peaceful day on the upside.

when your roads bends.

2009-04-08T21:01:00.004-04:00

i am not altogether sure i will get all of this done tonight.... as apple is a bit crusty. (i think its teeth... but then again, i always think its teeth)
something so big happened to me on sunday morning, but i didnt think i had the strength to write about it with everything going on.
but i do now.

here is a small amount of back ground info on the weekend.
apple was with her dad, she stayed at his place for the second time since all of this happened.
i had 2 events over the weekend, one being a close friends wedding and the second a birthday party for a close friends daughter who was turning one.

the wedding was beautiful, i really enjoyed myself.
when i woke up on sunday morning my first thought was of apple, and that she would be home soon, my second thought was how can i work it so fh does not come in the house.
in that second... i understood what was happening.
i have no desire to see him, or speak to him, or be with him in any capacity.
i gave up and let go.
i spent most of the morning in bed, crying. not because i was alone or he was gone.
but because i fought so hard, and for what feels like so long to get here.

i had felt this happening before sunday, as things have progressed... like i have said before there was just to much inside him that had changed. there were so many actions he had taken that i was both disappointed and embarrassed of.
but i dont think it truly sunk in until i was laying there on sunday morning.

i am not altogether proud of this to be honest its difficult for me to come to terms with the fact i have given up on him as a person, or a father, or a husband.
but i think it just happens over time.
you loose the most important elements of how you used to love someone-- trust, faith, and integrity--- when thats gone, it hits you like nothing else in the world ever will.

send it my way

2009-04-06T22:14:00.003-04:00

tonight is going to be short and sweet.
tomorrow is the day i have been dreading, but i am going to deal with it head on.
because that is who i am and that is what i do.

ill get through it, i have gotten myself this far...
think good strong thoughts for apple and i all day, and i will do my best to feel them.

After a while.

2009-04-02T22:24:00.005-04:00

I just don't have enough in me tonight... but a friend sent me this last night, and i think it sums it up.

AFTER A WHILE
After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight
And after a while, you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn..
With every goodbye, you learn.

even the best fall down sometimes.

2009-04-01T21:00:00.001-04:00

its easy to be sorry after the fact..... when things didn't turn out the way you want them to.

that is a line i heard today in my favorite show, being erica. the premise of the show is erica going back to fix the regrets in her life...
every week i watch this show and i think, oh my god it relates to me in every way. each week i can take something away from it... some sort of lesson. this week was no different.
she tried to fix something that was unfixable.... (i am not going to tell you what because you should really watching the show because it is that good)
the point is.... the thing she wanted to fix wasnt what needed to be fixed.... what needed to be changed was the way that she was dealing with the problem, or not dealing with the problem in the present.
Thats where i am today. trying to fix the me right now-- the new me.
I think from the outside looking in some of my friends and family think i am at some sort of stand still, because i live in the same house.. with all the same stuff... and i am doing the same thing i was doing when he left.
But i can tell you, with 100% certainty, i am moving forward. Some days its at a snails pace, but its happening.
My new life is starting to take shape, and that girl that i see in the mirror in the morning is starting to look more familiar.... she is starting to laugh alot more, and she is starting to let people in, she is getting stronger, she is trying so hard. please know that. I want to be me again soon to.

I need to add that i had such a great conversation with an amazing friend tonight.... i had attempted to shut out the world today... i was having a sad day. But i picked up when she called, and it made my day. It reminded me of all of you out there who are reading this and worried about apple and i.
It reminded me that there is strength in numbers.
It reminded me that we are loved.

where my mind goes.

2009-03-31T21:46:00.004-04:00

I think about something alot.
I have yet to write about it but i think about it every single day since he left.

This is probably one of the most difficult blogs i will ever write, but it needs to be said.

Two years ago this month I almost died. He found me on our couch barely breathing, he called an ambulance and I was taken to the hospital and hooked up to every machine known to man kind.

The first thing I remember waking up and seeing his face, that was the first thing i remember his face.
i knew something terrible had happened. I had never seen him look like that. the pain in his face, the tears streaming down his face. he held my hand so tightly.
without warning my parents were in the room, and i realized how bad it was. I was in and out of conciseness for the better part of the day . its all pretty blurry.

Here is the hard part, this is very difficult for me to write.. but i wonder if he wishes he didnt. i constantly wonder if he regrets saving me.
i understand how it sounds.
i am not slighting him as an individual. i am not trying to give the impression he is some kind of moster, that would want me dead. that's not it.
you see this statement although about him, really isnt at all.
you see its about me, wondering if its possible for a person to change so much that they would do everything differently.

thats it. i honestly cant write anymore about this right now. its just to hard for me. but thats where i am at, and thats what i am dealing with.
its something i am working on....
but lets be clear my life is worth living, i will never give up on me. i will never give up for apple.

its all about the change.

2009-03-29T21:04:00.005-04:00

what do you think of the change?
i love it.... i think so much about nyc, i thought it would be nice to log in and see it on a daily basis... and to remember that apple and i will be there soon.

tonights blog is going to be a little different... its a 20 questions thing

1. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
- the first thing i can remember is an archaeologist. i even took it as far as to chip away at some sort of screw in the brick at the side of our house for the better part of two days... i am sure my parents were thrilled with this.

2. What have you done in the past week to help someone else?
-yes, i try to every single day. i am a helper and a fixer by nature. i come by it honestly. (meet my parents and you will understand)

3. Who is the best-dressed person you know?
-Julie, even in sweats this girl looks amazing.

4. What is on your nightstand?
-lamp, baby tylenol ,my new joe torre book and some water

5. If you were a cat, what kind of a cat would you be?
-honestly, i would be a really fickle cat like oussie and monsie

6. If you lived in a house surrounded by acres of trees, what particular type of tree would you want flourishing on your land?
- weeping willows

7. What do you find to be very overrated?
- over planned nights out

8. How many email addresses do you have?
- two, one for hotmail and the other is on my blackberry

9. Have you ever felt replaced?
-Yes.

10. Would you rather watch football or baseball?
-baseball

11. What is the wallpaper on your phone?
-come on, its apple... of course

12. Name a lyric from the song you're listening to.
-everyone is running and i come to find the refuge in the easy silence you create for me.

13. Do you use a feed reader?
- no--- no clue how i would

14. What chocolate do you always leave in the box?
- anything with cherrys in it

15. What would you do if you found out your ex is engaged?
- not good.

16. Do words hurt you?
-Yes, too often.

17. Are you a talker or a listener
- i want to say both

18. Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
-yes, i have also ran, as i was being chased by police and i had open alcohol and i was 15

19. Who is your favorite professional athlete?
-derek jetter

20. Which TV show have you seen pretty much every episode of?
-friends and sex in the city

new song... ohh, its a good one.

2009-03-27T13:29:00.002-04:00

so, another busy few days have come and gone and here we are on friday nap time. its one of my favorite times of the day.... not because she is asleep but because of how happy she is when she wakes up. she is always happiest after her nap..... she wakes up so excited to see me.
the latst few days with apple have been amazing, she is learning so much everyday.... now she says done!! and wipes her hands when she is finished dinner.

the last few days for me have been hot and cold, i went with a great friend on a little trip to toronto for a basketball game, and had a great time. alot of laughs and alot of good conversation. i find that when i talk to her, i work things out in my head alot quicker. she is an amazing person that seems to have such a great outlook on life, and i sometimes wish that i could be more like her.
i talked to her alot about how i am feeling at this point and something that i have been thinking alot about lately. foundations.
i think that each of us has a foundation....one built of our family, friends, our careers and most of all our own morals and values. i think that sometimes its where we get lost.... because we can get a crack in our personal foundations... a bad choice in a friend or a lack of interest in work, i think those things change us as people.
my foundation is as strong as it could be right now. i am gaining strength each day... understanding more, growing more... and most of all trying to let in the good stuff.

needing something to believe in

2009-03-23T20:45:00.002-04:00

this blog feels like it is going to be a long-ie.
i am sorry in advance.

this last few days has been emotionally and physically draining, i have the dark circles and beautiful growth on my lip to prove it.
apple wasnt feeling well over the weekend, on saturday she woke up with a huge fever.... which scares me. i wasnt able to help her break the fever until 430am. so needless to say it was a long night. this has happened to us before and there is no rhyme or reason to it.
atleast it is not fifths!!! thank god we didnt get that! here is hoping that my other nephew does not get it from the rest of the kids at school this week.

i have a hard time when i am alone and apple is sick. i get pretty down about being on my own then. believe
i struggle mostly because i feel like i didnt sign up to do this alone.
now... he can say that i didnt ask him for his help that night.. but how do you if you are me? knowing that he is with someone else... actually physically with them at that moment?
you don't. you take care of your baby, on your own... because thats what life looks like now.
there is 100% something so amazing being the one that your child wants when they are sick, its the way apple looks as me as if to say, thank god your here. that is what makes it bearable for me at 3 am, her little head on my chest, and her hand in mind.

over the weekend i went to a funeral for fh's aunt. i was there along with the rest of his family, all of them except of the immediate family... do not know that he left us.
i went to show support for his mum , to pay my respects to his aunt , and because thats the kind of person i am.
our time alone, was needless to say... not great, as explained in my previous post, i am finding more and more difficult to be around him, because of the things that he has said and done.
at the visitation and funeral itself, i was asked several times---- yes several when we were going to have our next child. chills ran down my spine. part of me wanted to scream..... the other part just wanted to cry. (and did... in horrific sobs later)

i listened closely to what the minister said... (some of which scared the shit out of me... liver serpent, damnation to hell etc) he spoke for a bit of how a there is a time when a family must lift each other up, when we all must take turns to rally around the person that has fallen and help them to stand back up. If i had a few minutes with the minister alone i would have asked him something,
how do you help someone that does not think they need it? how do you support someone when you disagree with 90% of there actions?
i truly dont know the answer this. my only thought is that i am no longer part of the group or family that can help him.
i do pray constantly for him. i truly do. i do pray that there are people around him that will help him, not to "get home" but to get back to who he is and recover from all this.

on a daily basis, i find out more things that drive me further and further away from the person that he has become. it makes me sad tonight.

im kinda like the green hulk... but my clothes dont rip.

2009-03-18T22:39:00.003-04:00

its been awhile. but i am back.
there are alot of reasons for it being awhile... some of which i will get into and some i wont.
the last 2 weeks i have been all over the place with emotion. i have thought and felt a million different ways, but i have ended up here... which is truly where i need to be.

i have graduated to anger on a new level. i have been truly blinded by my own pain..and though i knew the real person to lose was apple i dont think it had ever sunk in until this week.
i went to meet my family in florida for a week long much need break. it was everything i needed it to be relaxing, fun and time away from this mess.
something unexpected happened to me while i was there, i finally started to see what he has done to apples life... as i read that it seems like some drastic statement about how he has ruined her life.... that is not what i mean. i mean she gets 20% of his time... there are no family vacations, or daddy everyday at breakfast... the normal stuff isnt something she will have with him. it makes me angry. she asked for him every single day we were there... she asks for him every day he is not here. who is left to explain? i am.
i guess what i am saying is that we were not part of the thought process... i dont think that he weighed it out.

he dissipointed me on so many levels in these last two weeks.... he did so many questionable things that made me face the facts. i dont like the person he is today. he is not someone that i would want to be with if i met him today.
he is truly missing some core values that i want in people that surround me. i am being hurtful with these words, i am being honest... about what i feel and what i think.
i am not judging him for these changes. i have just come to terms with the fact that he changed.
he is not the man i married, he is not the man i planned my life with.
the person i see monday, thursdays and every other weekend is a stranger.

something has clicked, something has changed. i feel stronger then ever, i feel like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.
i just want apple and i to move on from all of this as happy and as healthy as possible.

a close friend asked me yesterday.... how do you get to sleep at night knowing he is with her.... it took me awhile but i have my anwser.
i know at the end of everyday i did my best that day, with apple, with my family, with my friends. i know that i put others first when they needed something, i know that my day was full of love and support from the ones that matter, i know that i tried and i fought as hard as i could.
thats how i get to sleep at night.

no 5 things.... because i feel life i have 50, and thats a step in the right direction.

never really had a chance.

2009-03-05T20:45:00.003-05:00

Its hard to believe that it is already Thursday. I have had a really long week... sick me, cranky pants apple.... it happens.
A few things happened this week that hurt like hell, but i guess most of it is to be expected... we all make our own choices in life and have to live with them later.
it still hurts all the same, and i am still not sure how to deal with it..but its just one more piece to this complex puzzle that i am trying to sort out.
i am still so unsure of whats next for myself, i keep looking and keep searching for what is in i want out of life.
i know i don't want this part... the lonely part, the part where i feel like i have been discarded so easily. the part where i feel i am not enough. i really want this empty part to go away.

5 things
i asked a tough question
i put me first
i kept my cool
asked for help
was the bigger person.

Song 19.

2009-03-01T16:11:00.003-05:00

Sundays used to be my favorite day of the week. i used to love getting set up for the week ahead and planning what was to come... now i dread them. i still look forward to the week ahead, but Sundays just leave me feeling lonely and sad.
most if not all of my friends and family are generally busy doing family stuff... which is what they should be doing..... and yes i am with apple.... i just miss the Sunday night talks and dinners that used to be part of my life.
if i could stress to people something that i have learned in all of this, its that they have to take the time in life to look around and be grateful. look around you, and see whos there with you on a Sunday night.... thats who loves you the most.
hug them a little longer today, make sure that they know how much you love Sundays with them.
make sure that they know despite you being angry they forgot to pick up paper towels or cat litter.... you love them and would not want to spend the day any other way then in your cozy pants with them.
maybe if i would have said it more none of this ever would have happened.

5 things
got some sleep
talked to a good friend
took a day bath
drove for a hug
didn't dwell.

Hope Floats....

2009-02-25T22:28:00.002-05:00

what is that undying piece of us that clings on to what we had? what is it in me that still has so much fight for my marriage? why would anyone still love a person after all of this? how can i sit with him so peacefully in a room? why do i feel better when i am with him?

yes.... i ask myself these questions. i know what people must think.
poor girl, doesn't know when to give up. stupid girl, what is she thinking. desperate girl, why is she so blind?

i'll tell you why, i am a fighter. i do not give up on people. i may be tempted to... and try to, but i can't.
i don't know why i can still love him, but i do. it breaks my heart to type it... but i do.
i can sit with him, because it feels like the most natural thing in the world.
i feel better because at the end of the day, he is still him, and i am still me... and for 7 years of my life... he has been my life.

you see in this process i have figured out one thing. one true thing.
you dont know what its like to be here until you are living it.

i wish so much that i could just fast forward and see what happens... see how all this is going to play out, and good or bad i would go back to the beginning and live it. i just wish i knew what my life was going to look like in 6 months or in 6 years.

thats it. good or bad. thats it today. the most honest i can be.

5 things
asked for what i wanted
layed still for an hour and a half
had a good talk, that didnt take a sour turn
had another amazing day with apple. even tho she says the f word.... whoops.
told a great friend how much i appreciate them.

its a title shot.... fingers crossed.

2009-02-23T22:54:00.002-05:00

tonight... i am proud of me. i won.. a very very nothing award... but a big big award to me... and probably only me. i the best of the 5 classes my teacher has.....for a picture i took of apple.
i won a small personal dvd player and a few other things..... but wow... really i won a bit of me back tonight.
i was good at something without him, i did something that he didnt even know about, and i did great at it.
its strange for me... because the best memories i have in my life... yes of my life, are ones with him. i feel sometimes like it will never be as good as it was, that i will never find that kind of happiness and contentment again.....good god, i hope this isnt it. i pray each day for good things to happen. then i think of something the gm told me.... everyday above ground is a good day.

there are other memories in my mind without him that get Honorable mention....

the pop spill in the truck(i am laughing as i type this one)
begging for tiny dancer at my funeral finding out ann savage was there... when we had no clue, double ozzie devil horns at bayfest
judie and me days, they are few and far between, but they are the best.
feeling my way to hamiton with my bff... then the coffee on the top
mason peeing of the foor because... nevermind........
the day i knew i found my best friend, and that she would never ever leave me. (the phone call early moring in windsor... after a long.. long night)
muffin, in general...
the apple with my mum... the one that she made perfect....
the Elizabethan with the am everytime....
the train with the gm when i asked him about all the lights.... the trip to T.O with the gm when i told him about my misfortune with the doll...
the way i met norie, and the way we knew we were supposed to be like this for each other,... yes i remember the moment, the easy silence i felt i will never forget. the best thing i have in this city.
the way chi chi looked at me the day i told him i needed him
the way i laughed with d last month on the phone
the expected and loved phone call i get from my sisters each day

i am smiling. i am laughing out loud right now, this is a good trick... type it out, and smile and laugh about the great things that have happened.
there is a life without him.... its just hard to find sometimes.

we started to change our names today, well i started apple just kind of sat there.... it was sad for me. like giving up a piece of us. but, i think its the right thing to do.

5 things (over the last few days).... and more
not losing my marbles on several occasions
accepting new friendships
bj kicking his ass, with his squirrel picture
being objective
not driving the barbie car over there....
smiled though my heart is breaking
doing everything the d asked me to
set someone straight, even though it was hard to say
being proud of me.... just me.

i have become comfortably numb....

2009-02-19T22:42:00.004-05:00

i can hardly see my neighbours house, thats how much the snow is blowing at my house. i dont hate snow, i dont even dislike the cold, i just cant stand when it whips you in the face and you get it up your nose.
apple hates that to. she waves her hands in front of her face as if to stop it, mid air. its super cute. there is alot of stuff her and i do, that only we know about. like a game called little bites.
i dont know how this game came about all i know is that i sneak up behind her and nip at her shoulders and arms and she laughs so loud normally she falls down. then proceeds to get right back up for me to do it all over again.
if child services reads this they may take apple away from me. Note: little bites is a safe consensual game
as for me, well im ok today. i had to get more tests this week at the hospital, i was a bit loopy and of course completely embarrassed myself. i had this heart monitor hooked up to my chest and i heard the nurses asking one another about something that sounded alot like well the word... tits... they kept saying, do you know if its right on the tits.... and finally in my loopy states
i asked them if they were talking about my tits..... and they all stared at each other. apparently they were taking about the Tips... of the heart monitor. awesome.
you see i constantly do stuff like this in my life. i say and do some of the most embarrassing crap.
but it makes for great stories.... which distract people from the the other parts of the story i dont want to get into.
other than that like the title says i am pretty numb right now. its a good place to be for now.

5 things
ph lunch
played alot of little bites
took the time to write
laughed at myself about the tips.
did a good thing for someone just because it was the right thing to do.

tug of war.

2009-02-16T22:03:00.004-05:00

i feel like i haven't written in forever.... but i am back.

do you ever notice that when people go away sometimes they get a fake accent... or they take on the lingo of the new country?

i know someone that went to italy this week and i have already received messages from them starting with "ciao bella". i think that if you are Italian, and you come back from italy... you are allowed to say it. or if you are an Italian in general you can say that, or if your married to an Italian you can say it.

but if you have been in italy for 4 days, you are not allowed to say it.
for some reason i have rules like that in my head.
others are that you cant wear jean on jean. like a jean jacket and jeans. (i used to think you could but ive changed since then)
you have to scratch my back under my shirt not over
you cant eat 2 meats in one meal. (like mixing animals) its just not right.
there are many more, but thats something ill get to at a later date.

things have been good today, i went to see my family.... a great visit, expect apple was a wendy whiner. she and i both saw fh, which went well.
more then ever lately i have put aside the situation and just tried to live. it works some days, and some days it doesn't. i feel like there is this internal pull at my heart that i cant find the way out of. but today im not to concerned about it. today i am just comfortable with the silence that is in my head, and thats good enough for me right now.

5 things
went to see the people that make you feel like you again
did everything on my list
dealt with today
got ready for tomorrow
held apple as close i could and gained the strength i needed.

this ones from last night, the computer died...

2009-02-14T20:27:00.002-05:00

I had a great day today, did alot of stuff for myself. i had a massage, i had a pedicure, i had a facial..... lots of great stuff. i also got a haircut.... its a little reminiscent of jennifer aniston friends... right now, i am not sure if thats because i was laying on it all day, (massage and facial)
tomorrow may be a challenge. to see just how it looks after i have attempted to do it. the weekend has gone ok with fh here. it will come to a close tomorrow... which i am not to sure what to say about. part of me feels more normal with having him here, and a huge other part feels like it is two strangers sitting in the same room.
i dont get when he is kidding, or when he is serious... i dont get when to say something and when to just sit in silence and deal with the fact he is most likely texting his girlfriend while he sits in my living room.
i am wondering if i am pushing myself to fast and to soon with this.
i probably am.
i just don't know another other way to do these things.
i think as i layed in bed last night it became clear to me thatthe change is coming quicker then i think. he is going to have to get his place ready and start to take apple with him soon.
a huge part of me is going to have to let go. every other weekend, let her go.
maybe thats when it will happen. when i let her go, will i let him finally go from my heart to

5 things
did the right thing
kept a smile on my face
enjoyed my self
laughed
slept

Maybe I'm Amazed at the way.....

2009-02-13T23:18:00.003-05:00

today was a strange day. for starters my dog ate(well more tore at... and by accident ate) a dirty diaper. it was gross, and i am dry heaving thinking of it. i had to chase him around the basement to get it back. it was not a good scene.
then the woman at tim hortons called me sir through the speaker, and when i pulled up to get my coffee she called me sir again. i didnt like it.
i went to the movies with a friend tonight, and saw hes just not that into you.
alot of lessons that i know, some i didnt.
something that stood out is this."sometimes making someone else happy will give you the happiness that you are searching for" i believe this to be true. i think that there are times in our lives when you need to put ourselves on the back burner, and fix whats broken around us... and in turn find happiness in other peoples joy.

other than that i guess the strangest thing is that fh is here actually here... like 15 feet above me. it is his weekend with apple, and he still stays here with her.
i left the last time he was here, but it didnt work that well for me. so i am trying this for a bit. the inevitable being he is going to get things set up at his place for her.
i am not sure how it is going to work, but i assume ill know more tomorrow.
it has been three months since he has slept here. its been three months since weve been around each other this much.
do you wonder what a girl like me does in this situation? she gets nervous diarrhea.
not because i am excited or scared to be around him. just because it is so difficult to pull in the garage and see his car or to see him in the same chair he used to be or listen to him tell me funny stuff... and not think.... what in the hell happened? where did it go so wrong? how did it get this bad.

5 things
slept in because apple did
did not actually vomit due to diaper incident
tried my best
enjoyed my time with a friend
added a new song to my playlist

already gone.

2009-02-12T20:11:00.002-05:00

so much on my mind tonight. not ready to talk about it. actually i dont know how to.
i know i am going to have to give up alot more then i already have to start over.
that is a difficult fact to face.

5 things
had a great time with apple
went out of lunch
went to the forbidden store
stoped guessing
walked away when it got to much

apples not from hawaii, but looks like it.

2009-02-10T12:34:00.003-05:00

the thought of all the stupid things i have said and done over the last few months weigh me down at night. last night i could not sleep, when i realized i told fh that he had ruined my life, that i told him i didnt know how i would survive without him, that i hated him....
i cant take that stuff back.
i know now, that my life is moving forward, and he didnt ruin it. he did end the world i was living in... our little bubble. i am surviving without him, and lets be honest for a minute. i dont hate him, i hate the lies and the betrayal but i dont hate him. i hate what he became in order to do all this, and the changes he made that took him away from us.

i have found some sort of loop hole in all this that is making me feel better, it is making me stronger. i still feel really weak at times and i dont know if i am doing any of the right things, but most days i can sit in bed and think... you did ok today.
i know i have alot of big decisions to make in the next few months, but something tells me that i will know when i know.

i am lonely everyday , i know i have said that before but its something i am dealing with every minute of everyday.
i am still so sad that this happened.
i am still confused.
i am still hurting.
i still don't think i have a heart that works.
but the mad went away at some point last week.
i just think my body can't carry it around anymore and to heal i need to let go of what he did and focus on what's happening today.

5 things
the bj penn lookalike
swimming with apple
switched to be a sox fan
did some things for me
danced hard core with apple for about an hour

go to the mattress's

2009-02-08T22:01:00.005-05:00

good news, my eye is offically healed. probably because its sunday and my parents went to church and they probably gave god the heads up about it, or because i googled my symptoms and good old web md told me what to do.

today was great, i spent some time with my parents and apple and i went out for some winter wonderland fun. she loves to be outside. she loves snow and they way it feels on her face and in her hands, she loves the crunchy sound it makes under her boots. she looks up at me every time as if its the first time shes ever been outside. it makes the cold bearable... just to see that look.
i think alot about what we would do for those looks, to be able to see them everyday. we wear fake teeth, we dance around our living rooms, we listen to the backyarigans for great lengths of time- really what wouldnt i do? i cant think of anything.
that is how i have always looked at love. i cant think of anything i wouldnt do for someone i love.
you say the word and you have me doing what you need.
thats who i am. thats who i still am today. that has not gone anywhere.

i am seeing more and more piece's of me come out everyday. they dont look like they used to but they are still there.

5 things
was grateful about my eye
prioritized
laughed about nothing
enjoyed my time with apple
called a friend that needed me.

good things, diaper eyes and mama no

2009-02-07T20:45:00.003-05:00

i am two eyes short of a good set. i had a secondary mysterious eye injury that occurred this morning. my eye was all wonky when i got up, i didnt think much of it at first.... then as i fed apple i realized i was in trouble. not major, just minor. i got my contact out and did some poking around... note to self never poke around at your eye.
now i have a swollen eye that is redder than diaper rash when your getting a tooth. the funny part is thats its the opposite eye from the one i got a shiner on. so... diaper rash eye on one side and shiner on the other, and i am wearing my glasses from 1992, so i look wicked cool.

though out all this i noticed something really really interesting. i was letting out the dog, and i thought well.... at least my necks not sore anymore.
my neck is not sore anymore. i had sort of strained it two or three weeks ago, and it was sore all of the time. nothing horrible just annoying. but i never even noticed when it went away.... when did that happen? when was i so busy that i could not notice something that had been annoying me for that long? i carried that around for weeks, and i was so frustrated by it... how could i not have taken the 2 seconds it would have took to notice it was gone?

i think i need to be more careful to take the time to look around at all of the good stuff . Its easy to get caught up in the bad stuff. i have so much good stuff in my life.
i can look over on the video monitor right now and watch apple stir in her sleep, and listen to her make the sweetest little nosies. i can go upstairs and stroke her hair and move her blankets back on top of her. i can close my eyes and know that i am a good mother everyday.
i have all the best stuff still, for that i am grateful.

5 things
i asked for help
i had a great day
my girl says mama no now
i noticed the good stuff
i did my best all day

keeping the meaning of me.

2009-02-05T21:45:00.006-05:00

today has been a good day. thats about all i can say. i am proud of myself today. i was honest with myself and did what i thought was right. i listened to my own voice, and it made me happy.

i was thinking tonight about "replacements" in your life. how we tend to replace people so easily. we replace spouses and friends, with new people at the drop of a dime.... and walk away so quickly. then we shove our life full of things that don't mean that much, just to be busy or keep our minds from wondering to painful thoughts of our past.
i dont want that to be me. i dont want to make myself busy with things i cant stand doing just for the sake of being busy, because at the end of the day.... this is my reality.
i actually can say that i like the pace of my life at this moment. i like that i am choosing what i want to do and to say very carefully.
for probably the first time in my life i have been this careful.
it feels good.

my shiner is just as i thought.... very bar brawl looking. im putting the ass in classy with this one.

5 things
i said yes
i asked for what i needed
apple and i learned to chicken dance this am (thanks to the wiggles)
i ate well
i made it simple

its the small stuff.

2009-02-04T20:40:00.004-05:00

today was eventful.
something happened to me that i think has scared me for life.
apple and i went to reading group today, she was happily clapping along to itsy bitsy spider when an eight year old boy entered the room went directly to his mother and asked for num nums.... i know right now your asking yourself what are num nums.... some sort of candy or snack? juice?
no.... it was breast milk. yes breast milk. he proceeded to lift his mothers top and breast feed.
i could not hide my reaction, and for that matter apple could not hide hers either.
another woman in the class asked the mother how old the child was, and she said "eight " sharply. what in gods name did she expect?
needless to say, we may be avoiding reading group from here on in.
i also had a spill today, not to sure how i fell... only that i did and i will be lucky not to have the worlds biggest shiner tomorrow.

i still feel really lost today. really lonely.
i miss him alot still. i miss how much we could do for each other, that we would call each other or email each other with stupid things just to make each other laugh, or that i would get a phone call from him each time he was on his way home... with this little song we made up about being on your way home..... its idiotic to think these are the things you miss about someone. but its all the little things that make your love so big for someone.
im tired of missing. not tired as emotion.... as an action... like i am so tired of feeling loss.
when i talk to most people during the day i bet they sit back and think, wow... shes doing great look how strong she is.
im not. i dont feel strong at all. i feel really weak. i put on a good show, but the truth is im so god dame lonely it is breaking me. not lonely for just anyone, just for him.
i dont know how to make it go away. i dont. if i knew i would do it today. i would just do what ever it took to not feel this way.

its the stupid stuff that breaks me each day. today i got an email from Disney asking if "the ourlastname family... wanted to come back and make our dreams come true again"
i wanted to hit the reply button and say yes.

i have made up a new happy ending for apple and i, i do what that.
i just still see him in our happy ending.
i know how it sounds, i get it..... im supposed to be over this i get it loud and clear from every direction.
im just not over it.

5 things
didnt scream outloud when i witnessed the b feeding
was honest about where i am at
spent an amazing day with apple
research
didnt give up

only the lonely.

2009-02-03T20:48:00.005-05:00

oh my god, i added music. who knew i would get good at this. the weird thing is there is one person who i know would be so so proud of me. but he has no clue this thing exists.

apple and i had a great day together, still doing our research feeling out options for our life, some good some bad... along with the feed back, some good some bad.
mostly today i thought of when i should act on plans. i am sort of at a stand still until we get back from flordia. which is good. i need the time.
today we took a sleigh ride and had a play date with a sweet little girl that lives on our street.
apple walks so much now, it is amazing.... and ran again today, at me with the phone.... yelling at the top of her lungs da da da da da. (sad moment for me but great moment for her)

i laughed alot this afternoon(as i put on my athletes foot medication) thinking about the state of my life. just how buggered up i am. but knowing from the bottom of my heart it could be worse.
i am pretty lonely right now, not just this minute... but at this point..... i sometimes wonder if i would have been just as lonely with him here.
i sort of wonder if i was on this path anyway. i wonder if i would have ended up being on my own if it weren't for all this. was i destined to be alone?
does that happen to people? are they destined to eliminate everyone from there lives in one way or another?

5 things
i put music on my blog all by myself
sleigh ride
lauged louder then i have in weeks at myself
ate well
made plans for myself

how faraway is faraway enough

2009-02-02T21:53:00.003-05:00

making decisions lately has become hard. i do not want to be irrational or do anything wrong or make any decisions that i will regret.
i am attempting to do what is best for myself, and in turn whats best for apple right now.
i do not believe that everyone that is included will agree with everything i do, but if it makes me better as a person and a mum isn't it always right.
i know now, that this environment that i am in is not doing me any good. i am cruelly reminded everyday of what's missing in this life. every morning when i wake up, the first thing i still do is roll over to see if he's there. i lay there for a bit wondering if i close my eyes tight enough if he will magically appear. fyi.... it never works.

on a hilarious note, dougie called a computer a puter tonight. yes a puter. dougie is a real jem.

5 things
i did alot, i mean alot of research
sent a necessary email
caught up with a great friend
prayed for another friend
acted like chris matthews from dateline how to catch a predator again.

I'm not jossie grossie anymore.

2009-02-01T19:26:00.004-05:00

the weekend has wrapped up. and i survived. i missed apple like crazy but made the most of it....
i had a great night on friday, spent some time with some amazing friends and laughed alot. no mention of my current situation which was awesome.
saturday i had lunch with my parents at a favorite sketchy restaurant and headed home.
it took alot of strength to not stop by. but i kept in contact with fh, and knew that apple was doing well. from there i went to my friends house where i would be staying and walked into a what some might call... a shit storm, and i look into a future i have to avoid.
my friends son from a previous relationship had just been disappointed by his father with news that he would not be able to stay with him that night. so, she was left to comfort her son and deal with the aftermath of a parent who cast his son aside so easily.
i could see the sadness in her son, and in her.... and it spilled into the rest of her family, causing arguments and frustration.
it scares me. i have no clue how to deal with any of that, but i know... that it is unavoidable. fh will most likely have more children with hg or another woman... and how do i keep apple from feeling second best? or from feeling that pain or sadness when her dad doesn't show up.
i know that if i asked him that, he would say "it won't happen" but the odds are that it will.
it will because life keeps happening, kids get sick and schedules get changed and there are misunderstandings with dates.
the one person in my life i want to protect from pain is going to get hurt in this... and i cant stop that. but i can prepare us.

today was interesting to say the least, i was and still am pretty overwhelmed. i dont always do well in social situations. well i do not appear to be the most shy person , i sort of am.
i did hold my own, and met alot of new people. tried to talk to as many people as i could. some awkward moments, but nothing unbearable. apple actually ran across the living room to chase a little boy... ran, on her own for the first time. she did this 5 or 6 times. the little boy, thought she was pretty special to, and the two of them spent most of the afternoon together. then shared a piece of pizza. i guess it was sort of her first date.

this weekend i noticed how much has changed. i was doing the same things i used to do while my fh and i were together, but i just wasnt the same anymore. it was almost like i was forcing it on myself. although i enjoyed it, it just didnt feel as good as it used to.
i almost feel like i forgot how to be happy.

5 things
i didnt bail on anything all weekend
i put my best foot forward today
i let go a bit
i made someones day
i got alot done