Saturday, November 17, 2012

Sometimes you need more.

I know you'll read this.

Because I remember you and the way you operate.


I know you'll read this.

You will roll your eyes and refute each word I write.


I know you'll read this and I know you'll know... you'll look in the mirror tonight before you go to bed and you will know.



She laid on me last week and asked you a direct question.

She asked you why you didn't want to live with us anymore.

You didn't answer.

You cried.

You stood in my home and cried.

I saw your pain.

I watched and waited for you to tell her something that would make sense.


You cried.

I waited.



Then I cleaned up your mess.


Again.



I explained to our daughter how lucky she was to have two families that love her.


I told her all of the bullshit things the books tell me to say.


I watched you.


You winced when I said her name.


When I told our daughter how lucky she was that you and her "loved apple".


You winced.


I watched you.



I didn't cry.



I was strong.



I am always strong.






You always thought it was you... didn't you?



You always thought you carried me.



Do you get it now?


That it's me?



It has always been me.



I make this work.


I don't break or fail.


Ever.



Go to bed tonight knowing that.



I get back up and I keep going.


And now....you need to do the same.


You need to think of some real answers to her questions.


You need to come up with a reason.


Here is where you should pause stop backtracking and rack that brain of yours.



You are intelligent..



I know you are.



I actually still tell people that.... how god awful smart you are.


So think of something to say.

Please.

Not a lie.

Not a glossy bullshit story about how we stop loving each other because thats not true is it?


Tell her a version of the truth that will make sense.


Because without a doubt one day she will find out what you did.


Not just to me, but to her.


You need to explain it.


In your words.

In your way.


With strength and resolute that you did the right thing for all of us.


I look forward to the answer.


I always have.