Sunday, June 28, 2009

when the night comes.

My hardest part of a day is after 8 when apple is in bed. It is unavoidable.
There is something about the silence in this house that makes me crazy. The loneliness is something that I have still not come to terms with.


This weekend was unavoidable as well. Apple's dad had asked to take her for some extra time... normally he takes her on Saturday mornings until Sundays at noon. (every other weekend)
He picked her up on Friday morning... and she arrives shortly after dinner tonight.
This is the longest that I have been separated from her. This is the longest period of time I have gone with out seeing her beautiful face, and hearing her laugh.

I have come to terms with the facts.
The reality is that I need a break. The second part of the of this reality is that this is what my life looks like now. I have to get used to this.

I attempt to busy myself with time with friends and family, and with projects and work... but it never really feels the same with out her.
I am constantly feeling like someone cut my arm off.

Let's just say I am a work in progress.

The great thing that I did this weekend was steam cleaning the carpets.
Yes, I said that.

Apple had quite a barfy night last Sunday... and i had cleaned the carpets.. but lets just say that I did not realize how disgusting the carpets had actually become until i saw the difference between the barf spot that I cleaned up and the rest of the carpet.
So because I am stubborn and refuse to ask for help, I ended up lifting a 700lb couch on my own...Not the smartest idea today as I can barely feel my arms, and every time I attempt to sit down my legs scream in pain. (yes that includes when I have to go to the bathroom.... so i have cut myself off liquids for the rest of the day in an effort to reduce the sitting)

But I got it done on my own.... which again, is a little victory for me.

Apple will be back in my arms in about in an hour.
Another little(big) victory.


Thursday, June 18, 2009

goodbye for you and i.

To You, 

I often wonder how you remember me. 
I wonder if it is the begining the middle or the end. Or a cross all three. 

The begining is a story I thought we would tell our daughter, and her children and they would laugh and laugh about how you got so sick the first time you ever stayed over. 
I remember so much about that period. I thought we would tell them all about how I was the only girl that ever made you laugh. Do you remember when you told me that?

We were at my apartment before you moved in, and we couldn't stop laughing, and you looked at me and told me that you loved me for the first time. 
It meant everything then. 

The middle was filled with love to, our first house, our engagement, planning our wedding. It is a time in my life when i felt the most safe. I always felt that it was you and I against the world. 
I remember you did too. There was so much ahead of us then... we took it all head on, together laughing the whole time. 

When our daughter was born I felt as though we were finally complete, I felt as though this was "it"... for the rest of our lives there would be the three of us. 

But six short months after she was born you were so far gone that I knew that you were never coming back. Not the you that I knew. 

This part, this was our end. 

The last year is the part I wish that I could forget, the part that I wish you could forget too. 
I don't want you to remember me the way I was then.
I was not me. 
I was so lost, and so alone. I would have done anything to get you to come back to us. 
I thought it was the only way I could survive. 
It was almost like I forgot how to breathe if you were not standing by my side. 

There are somethings that I want to forget, but there are other things that push me to survive. They remind me why I am better off now. 

You left me. 
You left our daughter. 
You left me laying on the floor of our home, with our daughter crawling on the floor behind me. 
You left me for my friends to find me hours later laying there , incoherent, barely able to breathe, and unable to care for our child. 
You left me... that same girl that made you laugh, that same girl who you made your lunches and got your towel for you when you showered..... like that. 

Like I was nothing. 

I will never forgive you for that. 

You have told me that I deserved better. 
You are right. I did. So did you. 
We all did. 

I know now, more than ever you think you did the right thing for you.  
I can tell you now that it was the right thing for me too. 

I am ok now. 

We both are. 

My hope for you is that you find some sort of peace in your life, that you find the strength to do the right things, and that most of all you find what ever it is you were looking for. 
I do, truly hope you are happy. 

M. 



Monday, June 15, 2009

It happened.


It's a process. 
I tell myself that every minute of every day. 
It's a process. 
Things change, people change, feelings and emotions change. 

I have changed. 
I am not the same person I was a few months ago, or a few years ago. 
This whole thing has changed me. 
Not everything. But a lot of really important things. 
I remember that I was always nervous, I was anxious all the time at one point I took medication for it. 
I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always waiting for "it" to happen. 
Well, "it" did. 

It happened, and I lived through it. 

I am no longer nervous, I am no longer scared....I'm not actually just letting each day pass me by. I am living it--happily living it. 

I look back at the last few months and realize that my path here was riddeled in mistakes and bull shit. I have some regrets, but most of all I am looking at everything I did as a way to get where I am today. I am proud of apple and I. 
I feel like we are rounding this corner... and all I can see ahead is the good stuff. 

Today is my birthday, and I am 32 years old. If I am realisitic about this--- I have had the best year of my life. 
I gave birth to my daughter, who I love more than anything in this world. 
I found a career, that I am so excited about and love-- and that I am good at. 
I got closer to my family.
I got closer to old friends. 
I got closer to new friends. 
I lived through hell, and came out the other side smiling. 

Who gets this lucky in life? 

I know I didn't get here alone. 
So Thank You, for your love, your calls, your strength and your patience. 
I owe a lot of you more than you will ever know. 

I will be posting a pretty tough blog in the next few days that I have been working on for 2 months and 15 days. 
When you read it, Please remember todays blog. 



 

Sunday, June 7, 2009

what a weekend.

Just winding down from an amazing weekend.

Apple was left with my parents here at my house and i broke free for 2 straight days of fun with my girlfriends from high school for a wedding 

Using the word girlfriends is totally inaccurate to describe them actually, they are my best friends---- 15 years of ups and downs.... we have seen it all together, one of them even married my brother... Also in attendance were some new friends that I have met over the last month or so making the weekend even better.

The entire weekend was filled with those laughing fits where you start crying because it hurts so much, and with dancing... a whole lot of dancing. 

It was great to let go and enjoy myself with people that with one look at me know exactly what i am thinking. 
I gave a speech at the wedding... which went over well, and the minute i sat down, two things came to mind-- 
I did this, I came to this wedding very happily with no thought of "how am i going to get through this?"or "i can't do this alone"
Secondly it came to me that I was so happy for my friend, I was so overwhelmed looking at the two of them sitting up at the front of the room... just beaming at each other. It made me remember that love is still out there. 

Love didn't die the day he walked out the door. 

I can tell you that this was one of those things in my life i will look back on and always remember as something that brought me one step closer to being whole again. 


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

stupid or not stupid socks.

I used to like coming home to tell him about the deal I had got, or the crazy thing that happened to me while I was out.  I miss having someone here when I walk in the door. 
I know that I have someone(the most important little someone in the world), but since apples conversations with me consist of the words dog, cat, kitty, hi, bye, potty,no, done and mama.... she doesn't really get it. 
It's these small but huge things that upset me.

Today I bought apple some Canada Day socks, and I realized as I pulled in the driveway that I had no one to tell. 
It is a totally unimportant thing, that in the grand scheme of things... should never matter. 
Who gives a shit about Canada Day socks? 

Well, I guess I do. 





Monday, June 1, 2009

To level out.


Sorry, It has been awhile. 
No excuses.... just had a lot on the go. Good and Bad. But both important. 

Apple is thriving right now. She is getting to be such a big girl. Her words are coming along nicely, and she had her first poop on the potty. (yes i know that is totally gross... but come on, she is doing so well)
We have been doing a lot of activities during our days, and I can see a real change in her lately. She is really starting to understand things on a whole new level. She asks me for things now... like uce? uce? which is juice. It is pretty awesome to be able to still be at home with her. I feel so lucky for that. 
We have a great thing going the two of us. It's like the song says...."everything she knows i taught her"

As for me.... well I have procrastinated on the blog for a bit because I was unsure what I should and shouldn't say.  I then had a lightbulb moment.
This is my blog. 
This is where I write to sort stuff out and try to come to terms with all this.
This is where my family and friends check in on me... so i do not receive the dreaded..."how are you doing today?    no really, though... how are you..." phone call. 
This is where I go to see my progress in the last 6 months. 
This blog is me. 


The last 30 days have been filled with great things for me. 
I have put my thoughts into action and have opened my own small business. 
After taking my photography course-- and realizing that it was something that I loved.... I have decided to do it professionally. So far It has gone really well. I still have a long way to go, but I am highly dedicated to making this work.... for myself and for apple. 
It is not something I ever would have thought of doing, but now I could not imagine doing anything else. 
It is a great feeling to realize your potential and actually move forward with it. 
Dougie will be so proud.

Emotionally I have had a lot of highs and lows in the last week. 
It's 100% something that I am working on. To level out, and see if I can make the bad times shorter and get on some sort of even keel. 
It's hard, but I have found an amazing amount of support in the strangest places.