good days and bad days

I feel so many different emotions everyday. I can't remember if I did that before all this.
That's the strange thing about something like this happening to you, you can actually start to forget what you were like before.

One of my guy friends who has been going through something similar lately asked me the other day..."do you ever think that we will love the same again"
My answer right now is no.
I don't think what i got was worth all this.

To clarify... apple is worth it,apple is worth every ounce of pain i have and I would never ever change that.

But i guess what I am saying is that the last eight years of my life were not worth the pain that I have been in for the last 10 months of my life.
So it's a question of risk vs. reward in my mind.
Can I ever really risk giving myself to someone 100% if this is what can happen.

With that said, I have had a lot of good days recently.
I catch myself waking up happy, and going to bed with a smile on my face.
It's a great feeling.

Some other math came to me today that shocked me. In August he will have been gone from Apple's life.. for half her life. In August that beautiful little girl will be 19 months old. He left when she was just 9 and a half months.
That's a hard thing to write, just as I am sure it's a hard thing to read.

Now, I have gotten a few questions about the blog lately that I thought I should address here...

1. Did I send her the letter? and Who in the hell was on the blog from Henderson, Nevada(you can guess why people might wonder why)

--No I didn't send her the letter.. I am working that out in my head. I feel like at this point, It won't matter. She does not have children of her own, or was not married so I do not think she will understand what she has done at this point in her life. But it's up in the air.
--- Let me tell you I was just as surprised as all of you, I have no clue. (If you don't know what i am talking about-- there is a widget on the side that tells you who is on the blog and where they are from)
I have asked the people that might have a clue of how to send this blog to her, they said it was not them.
But.. yes it may have been her on here..To which I say... Welcome, and really nothing else.

2. What's with all The Band music.

--If you have to ask, then we have a problem. The Band is my favorite band of all time.. and in an effort to get back to me I have been listening to them a lot.

3. Does fh know about this and why do you call him that?

--i think i said it back in the first post that I call him fh, for former husband. I was told not to use his name to protect myself.
--he knows there is a blog, but to the best of my knowledge he does not know where or how to find it.... but if I'm wrong about that to... Then Welcome to you too.... don't know how you've been able to read this and not cry yourself to sleep each night.

Stage Fright.

I have been struggling a lot with this post.
I have so much to say, but so much I am not ready to say out loud yet.

All I can tell you is that it is amazing to see how much your life can change in hours.

I am getting ready to do something I never would have thought possible. But with the help of my friends and my family, I am going to go ahead with something that will be life changing.

I notice that with all of my nervousness, and all my fears, I am no longer afraid to fail.

Listen to the song stage fright. (in the side player)

andre the giant.

This week has probably been one of the most draining in recent memory.
I have a lot of problems with apple's dad, and I have had a alot of stress in other areas in my life as well. Like I have said before 5 steps forward 3 steps back.
A good friend said to me the other day.."it will be great when you can get to a place when his choices and decisions don't affect you at all"
That statement is 100% correct.

You see, although waking up those few sundays ago and realizing that I did not want him to come home... I am still tied to this man for the rest of my life.
His choices and His actions continually affect us... emotionally and financially.


That alone is hard to deal with, but now add in the following.
I disliked what I did for a living before I had apple, and to be honest I had very little intention of ever going back. This was something that we both knew and we were both comfortable with.
I wanted to be a stay at home mum to apple.
That may not seem like your dream job, but it was mine.
It is now no longer a possibility. I have faced that, but here is the problem. How do i go back to a job i cant stand for 40hours a week and not resent him for that to?

To be clear, he does not want me to go back to work. He is not forcing the issue but i feel like i need some sort of financial security, for myself and apple-- to protect us.
I have lost so much in this process, and i am afraid to lose.

I feel like you get over one thing, and life slaps you in the face with the next.
I am not this girl, I never wanted to be a divorced single mum at 31. Who would?


Now...If this does not put a smile on your face I dont know what will.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that we went to a birthday party for our little friend V who lives on my street. She was turning 1.
The following is what I didnt tell you.
We arrived at the party about 25 minute late, so it was in full swing when we got there. I set apple down and let her run wild with the other kids...
I focused on talking to v's mum and dad and saying hi to the rest of the people i knew at the party.
When i turned back around to see how apple was doing, I noticed something very strange and something very scary. Apple was at least a full head taller then all the other babies. Seriously, a full head. I casually walked over to the kids and their mums and started asking "ohhh how old is he/she" Most responses scared the crap out of me..."18 months, 16 months, two years.."
All i could think is why in the hell is my baby so big? what in the hell is wrong with her? and where in the hell is the closest computer so i can google search the following:
"how do i know if my baby has the andre the giant disease"

what happened next was even more disturbing--- apple started stomping(yes i am not kidding... stomping) around the room ripping toys out of the other kids hands... and since she towered over all of them, they let her have them. Not to worry, I ran around behind her and made her give them all back.

So in my mind at that moment, apple was going to be the next andre the giant. I was imagining her career as a wrestler in my mind. It scared the shit out of me.

We seized, well... I seized the first opportunity I could to get out of there. Apple was exhausted from all of the stomping around the room so i put her right up to bed.
I ran down the stairs and started researching about apples new found ailment.
I was able to find "andre's" measurements as a young child online. So like any sane person I searched the house for a measuring tape, as luck would have it all i could find was the one from the garage.... you know the metal kind.

I ran back upstairs, and very quietly started to measure my sleeping child with the loudest metal tape measure ever. Carefully measuring and remeasuring her limbs and head.
Turns out, she is pretty normal.
I now think it's me that might have some sort of problem.

my mini me.

Tonight i am highly frustrated, but i am not going to get into detail. I will later this week.
I just wanted to write a bit about my beautiful girl.
Everyday she shocks me with something new. Today it was her ability to drag a chair over to the ottoman we use as a coffee table then use the chair as leverage to get up on to the ottoman and scream at me. Most of you reading this are probably thinking one thing... "she is just like her mother"
yes she is.
When she was born, she looked so much like her dad. Everyone would go on and on about it to me. There was a small part of me that was jealous, because i assumed i was going to have blue eyed, blond haired-mini me.
As each day passes i realize more and more now that she is just like me.
We are chatty, loud, short fused, silly, emotional, man voiced girls.

After all is said and done, this is by far the hardest thing i have ever had to do..... I hurt a lot, but at the end of the day, I always have my mini me.

the letter.

This is something I had to do, not something I wanted to do. It may or may not be sent. But it's here and that is a start.


To The Other Woman,


I remember the moment I first found out about you, I had just finished feeding our daughter. I came across some sent messages from you in his hotmail account, they were replies from facebook messages he had sent you. This all happened very innocently on my part, as his hotmail had been left open. I read each message carefully... so that I could be sure what I was reading. All of these messages were easily explained by him, and it was brushed off in a very matter of fact way, that you were someone he met while in lasvegas.... someone who didn't matter, someone who wanted to be with a friend of his, someone who he felt sorry for.

One message is never far from my thoughts. You asked him if and i quote "was it all worth it? getting married? having a baby?"

To this day, I still imagine his response. I was unable to see it, but at the time I assume his answer was Yes.

Our life at the time was concentrated on one thing, our beautiful little girl, our days and nights revolved around her. What I loved about him most then was his utter and complete devotion to her and I. Nothing was more important then us. However inconsequential each fever or heat rash or update was on our daughter... he wanted to be there with us doing it all. He was an amazing example of a new doting dad.
He has made a horrific decision to give up on our lives together, the life that I know is worth all of the effort in the world. Please believe me when I tell you that I do blame him. I blame him for getting caught up in this. What we had was together was amazing, and i will never truly understand how anyone could ever walk away from "our" relationship, and from our eight month old daughter with out putting up some sort of fight.

With that said, You are also to blame. You knew about us. You asked about us originally, if we were worth it.
You saw my pictures of my daughter and I constantly being added to facebook, like I said... You knew about us.
What I blame you for is putting your feelings above the family the three of us created. Your complete disregard for myself and my daughter.
You will only understand this pain if it happens to you, and even though you have done this to me, i would not wish this on my worst enemy. The hurt and sadness that you have created for myself, my daughter, our families, and our friends is overwhelming on the best of days.

What he and I have to that you could not understand and You never will because you will never have a child as wonderful as ours. You will not have the opportunity to see my child. You will not be having any kind of relationship with her. This is the consequence of your actions-when you destroyed the only family that she ever knew.
I often wonder how you sleep at night, knowing that my daughter that sweet beautiful girl is now with out a father.
She is the one piece of him that you will never have, and that is unfortunate for you because she is the best part.

no sleep tonight....

Today hasn't been a great day. I feel like I am fighting an unfightable fight that I dont want to be a part of any more.
Every part of has given up, and now--- i am just scared and tired of the uncertainty that life presents me with at every turn.
Just when i think i have done something right or i am on the right track with something--- i feel like i get dragged back down into this mess.

I am at a loss for what he wants or expects from me... or anyone else for that matter.
Whats difficult for me is that I cant help him anymore. I can't fix the things I so naturally want to.
Its hard, to take that piece out of your relationship and just try to be two people that share a child and nothing more.

I am scared tonight for the first time in a long time, like things aren't going to be ok.

Alot of talk of pee in this one.

Big day for apple today.
She actually pointed at the potty... I put her on and she peed. It was all very exciting.
But is inconsistent as later on this afternoon she pointed at it and after 10minutes of sitting with her pants around her ankles and her diaper off only to have her jump off every two seconds to retrieve objects to put in the potty...
She then ran as fast as she could away from me with her diaper off and pants still around ankles.. as you can guess this ended with a face plant and some tears.
During nap time I watched some PVR'd episodes of Oprah... What I watched made my day.
The episode was about amazing fathers.
One of the dads was matt...http://www.mattlogelin.com/ I read the entire blog today, and it truly made today so much better. He has done such an amazing job raising his daughter on his own. I am inspired by him.

It made me remember that there are good people out there that i have not yet met, and that its ok to be having crap days, and be sad--- but to most of all admit it.
I think i tend to sugar coat things at times, and give the "im fine... no really im fine" alot.
I need to stop that. If i am going to get better, then i am going to have to get better at being honest about that. so be prepared.


I had a request from friend the other day to tell you a short story about an incident that occurred in florida when apple and i went on vacation with my parents.
Its a typical me story... shit like this just does not happen to other people.... so here it goes

My parents took apple down to the pool on morning and I was waiting for the maintenance dudes to come and fix the coffee maker, Just as i was exiting the shower i heard the knock on the door... so i found the first thing i could to put on ... my two peice bathing suit..i didnt go in the towel because the towel i was using was the size of a sock.
so i run to the door and talk to the dude.. he asks a few simple questions about the problem with the coffee maker and i explain we only need the carafe part, so he says "ohh ill be right back with one, can you grab me the old one?"
so i turn around, and as my arm comes up i feel something strange, what is it you ask? well its my boob fully exposed from the bottom of my bathing suit. let me tell you.... I later re-inacted this to see just how horrifying it must have looked in the mirror and it was no good, actually it was like an add for baby formula... "why not to breast feed"
i screamed.. yes screamed because im 11.... and i yelled at him "immm soooo sorry".... he scooted back in with the coffee carafe and i abruptly grabbed it and he asked me some question about heading to the pool... which i did not answer i just shut the door quickly and sat immediately down on the floor with the reddest face on the planet....
it is also red as i type this...
but most of my friends that are mums that are reading this are probably peeing in their pants due to weak blatters, so that makes it worth it.

Just For Today

So, Easter comes to an end.... it was a beautiful day here and apple and i took advantage of it in every way. We had such a great day, she was super excited about all of her gifts and went crazy over her new thomas the train set. After a big chocolate chip pancake breakfast we had an egg hunt in the backyard then headed to home to my parents late afternoon and had a great dinner.

But.... with all great days there is the possibility of a little rain. There was today, a small bit of rain for us. As i had told you before apple threw my phone in the toilet. My cell phone is how fh usually communicates with me when he is away... through text.
I did think that he would call my home phone to talk to her today, being that it was Easter. I thought at some point he would call just to hear her voice.... but he didnt.
To be honest I am ok with it.... I truly am. I have come to the place where i believe that it is no longer necessary to communicate with him about apple everyday.
I feel that he gave up the right to have that kind of communication when he left.
This isnt just something i have dreamt up, it is something that my councillor has been pushing me towards for weeks.
It does not help me to have to "answer" him on a daily basis about apple.
I got a book last week that i started to write in... about change in schedules or less milk at second bottle etc.... and i am going to start to give it to him both nights of the week he takes her and every other weekend.
Then he will have a clear picture of what is happening on a day to day basis.

What makes me sad about the situation is that he does not take the time or have the guts or the want to call her on Easter to hear her little voice. She 100% knows his voice. She knows when its him. Bottom line it disappoints me even further.


I received the following in a forward from a friend.
Today.... it was exactly what i needed.



Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play..

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and turn off the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms , and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer.
It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more day.............

Happy Easter.

since i wrote my last post i have done alot of thinking. that is generally why i take days off in between... because i have to much on my mind, or i just cant get the thoughts clear enough to write down.
my councillor tells me alot that i need to go back to the day he left. i need to start talking about it and dealing with it. its not something i have even dealt yet. its actually pretty hard to remember that whole two week period.
but that's next weeks issue.
this week i have been focusing on whats going to happen next. if this were a book... now is where the man would come in. we would meet in a cute way, and i would think nothing of it... only to find him on my door step hours later with all of my favorite snacks. (im a snack girl, what can i say)
here is the problem with that.
i cant let anyone save me anymore. i really need to start saving myself. i am a bit ashamed to admit this, but i have always let the men in my life fix things for me. well actually not things, i have always let them fix me.
i have always had problems dealing with my own issues, i hide them alot, i tend not to talk about them... they fester then come out when i least expect them to.
but with this... for the first time ever i have taken it head on... just me.
yes, i have the love and support of my family and friends behind me but at the end of the day its just me here.
its me who is getting through this.
so the man with the snacks will have to wait. but fixing me doesn't have to.

its easter weekend, and this is actually apples second easter... but last year she actually fit into her easter basket.
this year will be a little different. we had a dry run this afternoon with hiding some eggs around the living room. she actually ran around and scooped them up and put them in her shopping cart, then hammered her shopping cart into the cat which spooked the dog and all hell broke loose.
another very special event that occurred this morning... which i need to mention was apple throwing my cellphone in the toilet.
this is mostly my fault because i let her rip around my room today while i had a shower.... who knew she was aware of the toilet seat going up and down? hmmmmm i guess i should have been considering i have had her on a potty everyday for the last week. (its worked four times so far)
so i am without a cell phone for a bit... but its been a very peaceful day on the upside.

when your roads bends.

i am not altogether sure i will get all of this done tonight.... as apple is a bit crusty. (i think its teeth... but then again, i always think its teeth)
something so big happened to me on sunday morning, but i didnt think i had the strength to write about it with everything going on.
but i do now.

here is a small amount of back ground info on the weekend.
apple was with her dad, she stayed at his place for the second time since all of this happened.
i had 2 events over the weekend, one being a close friends wedding and the second a birthday party for a close friends daughter who was turning one.

the wedding was beautiful, i really enjoyed myself.
when i woke up on sunday morning my first thought was of apple, and that she would be home soon, my second thought was how can i work it so fh does not come in the house.
in that second... i understood what was happening.
i have no desire to see him, or speak to him, or be with him in any capacity.
i gave up and let go.
i spent most of the morning in bed, crying. not because i was alone or he was gone.
but because i fought so hard, and for what feels like so long to get here.

i had felt this happening before sunday, as things have progressed... like i have said before there was just to much inside him that had changed. there were so many actions he had taken that i was both disappointed and embarrassed of.
but i dont think it truly sunk in until i was laying there on sunday morning.

i am not altogether proud of this to be honest its difficult for me to come to terms with the fact i have given up on him as a person, or a father, or a husband.
but i think it just happens over time.
you loose the most important elements of how you used to love someone-- trust, faith, and integrity--- when thats gone, it hits you like nothing else in the world ever will.

send it my way

tonight is going to be short and sweet.
tomorrow is the day i have been dreading, but i am going to deal with it head on.
because that is who i am and that is what i do.

ill get through it, i have gotten myself this far...
think good strong thoughts for apple and i all day, and i will do my best to feel them.

After a while.

I just don't have enough in me tonight... but a friend sent me this last night, and i think it sums it up.

AFTER A WHILE
After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight
And after a while, you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn..
With every goodbye, you learn.

even the best fall down sometimes.

its easy to be sorry after the fact..... when things didn't turn out the way you want them to.

that is a line i heard today in my favorite show, being erica. the premise of the show is erica going back to fix the regrets in her life...
every week i watch this show and i think, oh my god it relates to me in every way. each week i can take something away from it... some sort of lesson. this week was no different.
she tried to fix something that was unfixable.... (i am not going to tell you what because you should really watching the show because it is that good)
the point is.... the thing she wanted to fix wasnt what needed to be fixed.... what needed to be changed was the way that she was dealing with the problem, or not dealing with the problem in the present.
Thats where i am today. trying to fix the me right now-- the new me.
I think from the outside looking in some of my friends and family think i am at some sort of stand still, because i live in the same house.. with all the same stuff... and i am doing the same thing i was doing when he left.
But i can tell you, with 100% certainty, i am moving forward. Some days its at a snails pace, but its happening.
My new life is starting to take shape, and that girl that i see in the mirror in the morning is starting to look more familiar.... she is starting to laugh alot more, and she is starting to let people in, she is getting stronger, she is trying so hard. please know that. I want to be me again soon to.

I need to add that i had such a great conversation with an amazing friend tonight.... i had attempted to shut out the world today... i was having a sad day. But i picked up when she called, and it made my day. It reminded me of all of you out there who are reading this and worried about apple and i.
It reminded me that there is strength in numbers.
It reminded me that we are loved.